If only you knew what goes on in my mind
If only you knew what goes on in my mind
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If only you knew (what goes on in my mind)
makexianxianhappytoday
Summary:
We all know that bad decisions occur when you’re drunk,,
but for Lan Wangji? It was the best decision he ever made.
Notes:
,, currently procrastinating on my other fic so. HAHHAH
also, title is ‘In my mind’ by Lyn Lapid 10 years.
Lan Wangji walked aimlessly along the bustling streets. Everyone seemed to have a place to go, except for him. Even Gusu seemed to be just a place for him to rest, instead of his home. He trudged along on the path, once again, missing the chatter that used to surround him. Where was he supposed to go, when Wei Ying was long dead? He knows that he should’ve let go off the man, but how could he let go of his everything, the very existence of his soul?
“Long live the Jiangs! I’m glad that the scourge of the cultivation sects is finally dead!”
The cheers echoed in the crowds, as the civilians raised their jugs of alcohol up, and burned pictures of the Yiling Laozu. Everyone seemed to commemorate the death of his beloved, the Yiling Laozu, as if they hadn’t pushed him, step by step to destruction, and to his untimely death.
Who was it for that Wei Ying suffered for?
To protect the innocent Wens that had chosen death to protect him?
The Jiangs that chose to interrogate and torture anyone they deemed to resemble the Yiling Laozu?
The Jins who kept attempting to profane his name while claiming more riches of their own?
Or was it his own clan, who believed in righteousness but were blinded by their hatred of the Wens?
When had it all changed?
Lan Wangji wondered what happened to the energetic joyful youth he met on the rooftop that night in Cloud Recesses. The one who loved a good challenge, and would have never given up on the swordplay- what changed Wei Ying?
He was lost in his thoughts. He wished Wei Ying would give him a reply- any reply would’ve done. He yearned to talk to Wei Ying again, even if he would never see him alive again. Was Wei Ying mad at him? Was that why Wei Ying would never reply to his guqin?
Lan Wangji wanted to apologise, wanted to beg for an apology for not being able to stand firm ten years ago, he wanted to tell Wei Ying that this time around, he would definitely follow Wei Ying, no matter what.
But Wei Ying was dead.
But without Wei Ying, he would never be happy.
As if he deserved any right to be happy when he too, lead Wei Ying to his death.
He continued walking aimlessly, as his foot took him to a small stall at the back of the street. That shop was small and shabby but had never once hung the red celebratory lights on its banner- a rare sight on today’s date of the Yilling Patriarch’s death. The shop had never changed during the last ten years, or perhaps even longer. He recalled being a teen when the shop existed. His favourite shop.
He walked into the shop, as the store owner turned to look at him. A wrinkled face turned into a small smile, as the man hobbled in front of him, a white ribbon wrapped around his wrist, that was holding onto a jar of emperor’s smile. “Ah, young master, welcome back. It’s this time of the year again, huh?”
Lan Wangji nodded his head, as he took out his qian-kun pouch to pay the old man. “I wonder how Wei-Gongzi is doing now? If he’s happy wherever he is right now.” The store owner continued with a wry smile, stroking the white ribbon on his wrist. “I’ve never believed in what those people said about him. The Yilling Laozu? Wei-Gongzi was such a pure-hearted youth, he would’ve never done such things without reason.” The store owner sighed, offering Lan Wangji a cup of emperor’s smile.
On any other day, Lan Wangji would have never consumed it, the three thousand rules restraining him back, but today? Today was different. He raised the cup, taking a small sip, as a form of comrade between him and the store owner. He never believed in drowning his sorrows with alcohol, but as he tasted the slight burn of the alcohol in the back of his throat, he could understand the pain behind it. An apology of some sort.
“Wei Ying would be happy wherever he is,” Lan Wangji said with conviction. Even if Wei Ying had chosen not to reply to him, as long as Wei Ying was happy, Lan Wangji could accept it.
Lan Wangji placed the alcohol in his qian-kun pouch, before leaving the stall. He could feel himself getting woozy from the alcohol, and leaned against a wall, trying to regain his balance.
“Boy, you seem drunk, why not take a seat inside my stall?” An old hunched-back lady suggested, and before Lan Wangji could decline, he was pulled into the shop. Lan Wangji stood up, wanting to thank the lady, but could feel the effects of the alcohol seeping into his body.
He took a sip of the offered tea, as the old lady sat opposite him, the table illuminated only by a single candle. “You’re grieving over someone.” She said as Lan Wangji jolted back with shock.
Other than his brother and uncle, nobody could tell that he was grieving, so how did this old lady know?
“You must wonder how I know about it. This old lady has been through enough to know the thoughts of you youngsters. You must’ve been really hurt by his departure. Why? What do you wish to know about his death?”
Lan Wangji felt the alcohol loosening his tongue, to this old lady who managed to score a hit him in all his vulnerable spots. “If Wei Ying is happy now. Miss Wei Ying. Really miss Wei Ying.”
Lan Wangji watched the old lady pull out a mysterious orb, as she started humming an unidentifiable tune. “Would you like to watch his life before he died? You could see his every action as if you were in his shoes. You could perhaps, seek to understand his decision this way.”
Lan Wangji would never trust such a lady, but the alcohol was loosening his restrain, to agree to that condition, even if it was such a dubious source. “Okay,” He said- if that meant he could see Wei Ying one more time, to see them together one more time.
The lady pushed the bright orb closer towards him, as his fingers reached out to touch it. The moment the tips of his fingers made contact with the cold orb, he felt the world shift, as he fell into a state of unconsciousness.
Lan Wangji felt like he was not in his own body, but rather in Wei Wuxian’s body. He followed Wei Ying, as they sat on a donkey, with the deceased Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze beside him, humming to a soft melody.
He followed Wei Ying as his parents left him alone in an inn in Yilling, only to never come back. He followed Wei Ying as they scrambled for merger food to consume, to dig on the ground for watermelon rinds, and spoiled buns. He followed Wei Ying, as they trembled inside a tiny cave, avoiding the nasty growls of the wild dogs, their body is already worn down by the bite marks and scratches. He followed Wei Ying as he offered everything he has to the poorer street urchins, only to shiver in the disastrous cold.
How did Wei Ying manage to keep his smile on after all that had happened to him?
He smiled when Sect Leader Jiang made his timely arrival. Now, nobody would bully Wei Ying again. He followed Wei Ying’s happy smile, as they were carried away by the sect leader, with promises of comfort, food, and shelter.
Lan Wangji realised how vile the Jiangs were in his second week.
Lan Wangji also realised why Wei Ying stood up to his uncle every single day.
Wei Ying was only six years old at that time.
Lan Wangji hated how his elders would mention his mother as if she was some sort of vixen, but even then, they would not have mentioned it in front of him as a form of respect, but over here, Wei Ying had to repeatedly hear his parents being demeaning in front of him. Madam Yu, No, Yu Ziyuan held zero respect towards the dead, or the people living around her. She justifies her abusive actions, her insecurity, her unhappiness at her husband and child at a six-year boy with whippings, harsh criticism, and destroying every bit of his self-esteem.
How could she ever think that Jiang Fengmian loved Wei Ying, when he not only tolerated the actions she does but also chose to close a blind eye towards her actions- as if “taking more food” was a punishment deserving of a spiritual whip.
Lan Wangji watches as Wei Wuxian whines and groans at the Jiang siblings, only to receive mockings and ridicule from the Jiang sect heir, and warm bowls of lotus pork rib soups from Jiang Yanli, as she pushes away the faults of her parents- as if Wei Ying deserved all the punishments that he received for being “mischievous”.
How could years of punishments be soothed away by bowls of pork rib soup?
Yet, he knew- Wei Ying was conditioned to accept these, so as not to lose the only sense of warmth he had. Wei Ying knew deep in his heart to never take things for granted, that he might lose them as easily as he had received them.
Lan Wangji heart’s ache for Wei Ying.
He watches as the time and weather change, how Wei Ying grew up more rebellious while maintaining that bright smile on his face. He watches himself interact with Wei Ying, how ridiculous his actions were, how hurt he felt as Wei Ying, receiving all those mean words from himself. He watches as Wei Ying was kicked out of Cloud Recesses, for a fault that wasn’t really his.
He watches as Wei Ying was whipped again, and wondered again, how exactly did Wei Ying maintain that beautiful smile of his, even after experiencing so much abuse at the hands of the Jiangs?
He watches himself holding Wei Ying tightly in his arm, humming the song he wrote for him and realised that Wei Ying wasn’t able to catch the words he whispered. He felt his heart froze, when he saw Lotus Pier burn, how Wei Ying was resigned to give up his hand, if it meant it would’ve saved the sect, as if it would’ve saved the sect.
He watches, as Yu Ziyuan used the last moments of her life to abuse Wei Ying again, to force Wei Ying into a life a debt towards the Jiangs, to beat it into his head that the Jiang’s destruction was his fault. He watches, as Jiang Wanyin choked Wei Ying, as if the destruction of Lotus Pier was not a carefully planned decision by the Wens.
He watches again, as Wei Wuxian saved a coreless Jiang Wanyin out of Lotus Pier, only to receive bashings and hurtful words, again and again. He watches, with horror, when Wei Ying discovers a manual on the golden core transfer and realises what exactly happened.
He didn’t have to see any further to know what happened to Wei Ying- his selfless, precious, Wei Ying. Everything made sense then. How Wen Chao had bragged about removing Jiang Wanyin’s core, but Jiang Wanyin seemed to return back with a stronger core, while Wei Ying had stopped carrying his sword entirely.
How could Jiang Wanyin accept the core so easily, yet push his beloved into hell? How dare Jiang Wanyin kill his beloved- even when his beloved had done so much for him? How dare the Jiangs still hunt down any demonic cultivators, when he singlehandedly pushed his brother onto that path? How dare the Jiangs celebrate the death of the Yiling Patriarch?
Lan Wangji was burning with anger, a never-found before urge to murder the Jiang sect leader. He reverted his attention back to the scene, watching as Wei Ying suffered through the three days, being fully awake to dig out the little golden ball in his chest, and heaved in pain.
There was only a fifty chance, and Wei Ying beat the odds, but at what cost?
Before Lan Wangji could continue watching, he was dragged back to the present day. The orb was no longer shining, as the lady looked at him in concern. “Are you alright? You have been screaming and crying. Must’ve been painful.” She sighed.
Lan Wangji felt the cold sweat on his forehead and his damp back, and let out a sigh. It wasn’t enough, he hadn’t suffered what Wei Ying had. He needed to know what Wei Ying had done, what Wei Ying had been through that made him so… jaded by the world.
“Please, could you send me back? I want to watch what happens next.” He asked, hoping for the lady to send him back, for him to peek another glimpse at Wei Ying. However, the lady shook her head, “Young man, what’s the use of knowing, when the person is long gone and dead?”
Lan Wangji paused, realising what the lady said was true, but he was too far gone, he just wanted to see and feel Wei Ying again. “I’ve seen your suffering, young man. Sometimes people aren’t given a second chance, but you do. Would you choose to return back to the past to make things right, or continue viewing your beloved’s life?”
Lan Wangji immediately replied, “To return back to the past.” Since he knew what made Wei Ying like this, he too— could stop Wei Ying’s destruction.
The Jiangs were far too unworthy of Wei Ying.
And he would see that they never come close to Wei Ying again.
In a moment of fury and hope in seeing Wei Ying again, Lan Wangji bit into his thumb, stamping his bloody finger onto the array, watching it lit up with a red glow before he felt himself growing weaker, slumping onto the floor. As he felt himself blackout, he realise how bad the decision could be, if this old lady was an enemy of the GusuLan. “I hope you could change the past with the information you hold now. There are no exchanges available even if you regret it.”
However, what was there for Lan Wangji to regret? If it meant seeing Wei Ying again, to help and express himself properly, nothing could ever make him regret it.
As his eyes fluttered close, the last thing he heard was the sound of a fan being snapped open.