What a time to be alone

What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough

Chidera Eggerue

ometimes it’s not easy to find self-worth in a world that seems obsessed with telling us we’re not good enough. Empowering, intimate and full of heart: this highly-anticipated debut book from the online sensation ‘The Slumflower’, aka Chidera Eggerue, the unstoppable force behind the ground-breaking movement #SAGGYBOOBSMATTER, is essential reading for all young women. It’s time to take charge of your life.

In What A Time To Be Alone, The Slumflower will be your life guru, confidante and best friend. She’ll show you that being alone is not just okay: it’s just about the best freaking thing that’s ever happened to you. As she says, ‘You’re…

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8 февраля 2019 г.

Год издания: 2018

192 pages
Published August 7th 2018

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8 февраля 2019 г.

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What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough

Sometimes it’s not easy to find self-worth in a world that seems obsessed with telling us we’re not good enough. Empowering, intimate and full of heart: this highly-anticipated debut book from the online sensation ‘The Slumflower’, aka Chidera Eggerue, the unstoppable force behind the ground-breaking movement #SAGGYBOOBSMATTER, is essential reading for all young women. It’ Sometimes it’s not easy to find self-worth in a world that seems obsessed with telling us we’re not good enough. Empowering, intimate and full of heart: this highly-anticipated debut book from the online sensation ‘The Slumflower’, aka Chidera Eggerue, the unstoppable force behind the ground-breaking movement #SAGGYBOOBSMATTER, is essential reading for all young women. It’s time to take charge of your life.

In What A Time To Be Alone, The Slumflower will be your life guru, confidante and best friend. She’ll show you that being alone is not just okay: it’s just about the best freaking thing that’s ever happened to you. As she says, ‘You’re bad as hell and you were made with intention.’ It’s about time you realised.

Peppered with insightful Igbo proverbs from Chidera’s Nigerian mother and full of her own original artwork, What A Time To Be Alone will help you navigate the modern world. We can all decide our own fates and Chidera shows us how, using a three-part approach filled with sass, wisdom and charm.

11 Empowering Messages From “What A Time To Be Alone”

What A Time To Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide To Why You Are Already Enough is a delightful guide to self love and acceptance sprinkled with Igbo proverbs and beautiful design and illustration. Written by Nigerian-British blogger and writer Chidera Eggerue , the book isn’t designed to “fix” anybody. “I want people to use the book as a mirror that they can hold up in front of themselves and be able to address their own behaviours,” Eggerue said in an interview with The Daily Vox. The book is packed with important lessons, here are 11 that resonated.

1. Expect better from yourself, not others

Other people are going to disappoint you, it’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s true. Love yourself, care for yourself, rely on yourself, improve yourself.

2. Start something

It’s always scary to start something new: what if you fail? There will always be variables you cannot control but it’s important to focus on what you can control. As Eggerue’s father always told her: “Finish being where you are first, it will all make sense later.”

3. Own up to your privilege

The world is centred in a certain way so that certain people are treated better than others socially, politically and economically. Whiteness is a privilege. Prettiness is a privilege. Growing up in a country that isn’t wartorn is a privilege. Admit your privilege and unlearn the entitlement that comes with it.

4. Be nice to people for no reason without expectation

Be kind to people, but don’t expect anything in return. Actually, don’t expect them to react in any certain way. At the same time, when other people show you kindness, express your gratitude because you are not entitled to another person’s kindness.

5. But don’t let your kindness kill you

At the same time, there are no rewards for a saviour complex. No matter how good your intentions are, you can’t fix anyone. Be compassionate but it’s not your duty to save anyone from their own unsolved trauma. Always remember, you need you more than anyone else could ever need you, Eggerue says.

Image courtesy of Jonathan Ball Publishers

6. Don’t perform, live

We live in an age where it’s cool to be unbothered. Contrary to the trend, it’s not that cool to be apathetic, it means you’re dead inside. You don’t have to pretend that you don’t care if you do. Emotions are not that scary.

7. You don’t exist for anyone’s consumption or amusement

You do not owe anyone “pretty” – whichever state you choose to show up in will always be enough.

8. Life is too short to live in a way to convince other people that you’re worthy

You are worthy already.

9. “Where there’s peace, allow it to reign.”

Put your peace of mind first. This means protecting your space and paying attention to yourself, giving yourself love and attention. It also means not giving people a second chance at violating you.

10. Don’t be afraid to raise your standards.

It’s your life, you dictate your standards. Having high standards doesn’t mean you’re selfish or that you’re picky. Your standards are a recognition of your worth.

11. Your tombstone won’t say how many followers you have on Instagram.

Relevance offline is key. It’s always nice to be admired but how do you make people feel when they’re with you? That’s what you’ll be remembered for. “Your tombstone will commemorate the energy you left behind,” Eggerue says.

Image by Tom Oldham

The book is available at most good bookstores and online for R 250.

Featured image by Tom Oldham

41 Fun Things To Do By Yourself

Do you ever feel compelled by social media and cultural pressures to be more social and outgoing?

Or do you take the time to find fun things to do alone?

Sometimes it appears the only way to be happy and fulfilled is to cram your schedule with social events and spend most of your waking hours with other people.

There’s no doubt that we need relationships for our mental and emotional health.

Having a strong social network strengthens our confidence, adds joy to our lives, improves cognitive ability, and even helps us live longer according to research.

But there are times when we need to step back from our busy social lives to recharge, especially for those of us who are introverts.

You may also find yourself in situations when friends aren’t available, and you have to spend some time alone.

But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

In fact, what if you deliberately take some time to some activities alone and at your own pace?

Is It Okay To Do Things Alone?

Some people think being by yourself suggests you’re a recluse, unpopular, or awkward. But being alone at times is good for you, as there are many positive benefits to embracing your solitude.

If you haven’t spent a lot of time alone in the past, you may not know how to have fun alone or how to find things to do by yourself that bring you joy.

Here’s a list of fun things to do alone that will help you learn to your own company.

How Can I Enjoy Doing Things Alone?

As rewarding as it can be, getting yourself to do things alone isn’t always easy.

The mere thought of it can make you feel anxious or uncomfortable, especially if it’s in a new place or something you’re unfamiliar with.

What if something goes wrong? What if you get lost? What will other people think? What if you hate it or feel weird the whole time?

Breathe. Relax. And read on.

Flying solo gets easier the more often you do it, and while it’s sometimes nice to just go with the flow, spending time alone can feel empowering and exhilarating.

Instead of putting off that thing you want to do because there’s no one available to do it with, do it anyway by yourself with a few tips in mind:

41 Things to Do Alone

Fun Things to Do Alone

1. Go to a farmer’s market.

Enjoy a leisurely stroll through your local farmer’s market, grab a bouquet of fresh flowers, and find some new produce that you have never cooked with before.

2. Write a song.

Write your own song about your life or emotions and if you’re musical, come up with the music to go with the lyrics. Practice singing it until you feel confident sharing it with others.

3. Check out a nearby town.

Take a mini-vacation for the day to a town close by that you haven’t yet explored. Treat yourself to lunch and go to popular sites and stores to learn more about this new locale. You may want to visit again later with friends.

4. Shop.

Take your time to wander through your favorite store at your own pace. You don’t have to look for anything in particular, just take the time to look around at the retail eye candy and make a wish list for yourself.

5. Discover some new music.

There are endless online music streaming services available that can help you find music that suits your tastes. Just write in the name of a musician you like, and find a customized station of similar artists, which almost guarantees you’ll discover something new you will like.

6. Make a time capsule.

Grab a box and some items that you think represent your current life. These can be journals, photos, ticket stubs, news articles, or a letter written to yourself.

This is a creative way to reflect on who you are now and your hopes for the future. Your future self will enjoy opening it.

7. Travel.

This may seem like a big step if you are used to a travel buddy. But think about sightseeing in places that interest you that you might not visit with friends. Consider the freedom of not having to accommodate another person’s needs or priorities in your itinerary.

8. Learn a new skill.

If you’re getting bored with your regular old hobbies, teach yourself something new. You don’t need any experience or talent– in fact, that’s the point. Have you ever written poetry, learned a new language, or played the guitar?

Try a few new skills and see which one you enjoy the most.

Things to Do Alone Outside

9. Go for a jog.

Run at your own pace, burn off some stress, and stop whenever you feel like it. This is a great time to reflect, brainstorm, and work through challenges.

10. Read a book in the park.

Pick a comfortable place outside to enjoy that book you’ve been wanting to read. Maybe it’s a self-help book or a cheesy romance novel that you don’t want to display on your living room table. Relax and glance up to people-watch every now and then.

11. Start a garden.

Whether it’s flowers, vegetables, or just herbs, maintaining a garden is both fun and rewarding. Once it gets growing, taking care of your garden can also be a relaxing solitary endeavor.

12. Explore nature.

Being outside is an effective way to recharge, relax, and feel the peace and quiet that is around you. Exploring nature can be as easy as taking nature walks in a local park or going on a long hike in a national forest.

13. Play with your pet.

If you have a cat or dog, spending alone time with him is the perfect opportunity to bond.

Studies show that this bonding with your pet can lower stress, improve fitness, and make you less lonely.

If you don’t have a pet, offer to take care of a friend’s pet for the day. Pets can bring you a sense of joy that may surprise you.

14. Go for a bike ride.

Explore your city or local bike trails while getting some exercise. Bring along snacks and a good book and make a full day of it.

15. Do some stargazing.

If it is a clear night, head outside and look up to the stars. Try to pick out some constellations and keep an eye out for a shooting star. You can even use a phone app to learn the names of the stars you’re seeing.

Things to Do Alone on the Weekend

16. Take your dream car for a test drive.

The dealership doesn’t have to know how serious you are when you say you’re “just looking.”

17. Do a giant jigsaw puzzle.

This could take several weekends, but the satisfaction you will feel once it is complete will be worth it. Doing a puzzle by yourself will improve your focus and concentration.

18. Start a blog.

Write about something that interests you or that helps or supports other people. This will be your own area of the web to express yourself however you want.

19. Rest!

How much time do you give yourself to rest after a long week? Spend the weekend sleeping in and relaxing in ways you don’t otherwise get the chance to.

20. Go to a museum.

The good thing about doing this alone is that you can skip the parts that don’t interest you and spend as much time as you want in the areas that do.

21. Take yourself to a fancy meal.

Order what you want, eat as much as you want and enjoy watching the other diners in the restaurant. Resist the urge to check your smartphone and take your time while you eat and savor the delicious meal.

22. Go see the movie you want to see.

You don’t have to wait to see that foreign film that no one else is interested in. You can go without feeling any judgment or giving explanations. Enjoy your movie, leaving any worries behind that your choice might be boring someone else.

Fun Things to Do Alone at Night

23. Brainstorm some goals and break them down.

One of the best things to do alone is to brainstorm some long-term goals for yourself and break them down into short-term goals. Give yourself something to look forward to, and plan what you’ll do the next day to get closer to one of your goals.

24. Treat yourself to a nighttime spa treatment

This is the best time to indulge in some of those at-home spa treatments that have been sitting in your bathroom cupboard. Try some facial treatments, or give yourself a manicure. Turn your phone off and play some relaxing music.

25. Plan a weekend road trip.

Give yourself an adventure to look forward to by planning a road trip for the weekend (or the next one coming). Plan your stops, what you’ll do there, and where you’ll sleep. Decide what you’ll bring for food and drinks, and check the weather forecast.

26. Draft a short story with you in it. Make it messy.

You could be the main character, the antagonist, or a side character who’s narrating the whole thing. Have fun and just let the words flow as the story develops in your mind. If you finish and want to keep writing, do some voice journaling for one of your characters.

27. Practice with a language app.

If you’re learning a new language, or you need to brush up on one, spend some time practicing on an app like DuoLingo or Babbel. Practice speaking, and find some music in that language to listen to.

28. Dance to some of your favorite songs.

One of the most fun things to do by yourself at night is to enjoy your favorite tunes and dance to them. If you’re too self-conscious to dance in public, this is the time to let loose and discover your moves — or try some new ones. Drinks are optional.

Things to Do Alone at Home

Maybe the thought of your lonesome self in public is too much to bear or simply isn’t your thing (yet.) No worries! Start small and try a home-based solo activity to warm up to the idea.

29. Bake something yummy.

Or several something yummies!

Satisfy your sweet tooth with some indulgent desserts, or keep it on the healthier side with lighter versions.

Either way, grab a few of your favorite recipes, load up on all the ingredients, and bake your heart out.

And since sharing is caring, give some treats to your neighbors or friends to avoid consuming a week’s worth of calories all at once.

30. Become a meditation master.

Regular meditation offers a ton of mental, emotional, and physical health benefits. If you don’t already meditate, consider giving it a try.

Learn about the different kinds of meditation–transcendental, spiritual, loving-kindness, progressive, mindfulness, Zen, or even Kundalini yoga, to name a few– and start a meditation routine.

31. Prep healthy foods for the upcoming week.

One of the biggest motivators to eat healthily is to have healthy foods on hand and easily accessible.

Stock up on your favorites and prepare them all at once.

Wash and portion your fruits and veggies. Make enough salads for lunch for the week. Make a big batch of soup for leftovers for a few days.

32. Journal

You can write about literally anything.

Make a gratitude list. Write an inspirational letter to your future self. Find some journal prompts online. Practice self-reflection. Write a short story.

The possibilities for this creative outlet are endless.

33. Clean and organize.

It doesn’t have to be spring to get some heavy-duty cleaning and organizing in.

Maybe your closet is overflowing with clothes and shoes you haven’t worn in years or the cobwebs hanging off your walls are starting to make it look like Halloween all year long.

Don’t judge yourself for it.

Simply clear things out, get your space in order, and reap the rewarding feeling of a tidy home.

34. Create your bucket list.

Everybody has things they want to accomplish or experience in their lifetime.

It can be huge to include life-altering things or less significant goals – whatever you fancy.

Make a bucket list of things you want to do without worrying about the likelihood of making them happen.

35. Pamper yourself.

Create an at-home spa day with a relaxing soak in the tub, a luxurious mani/pedi, and a fresh makeover.

36. Play a game.

Playing a solo game is a fun way to pass the time, whether on a game console or with a deck of cards.

There really is a video game for just about everyone, from sports to adventure to fantasy (and so much more!). Or master a new Solitaire game.

37. Get your finances in order.

Do you spend too much money on things you don’t need?

Track your spending and create a budget to get and keep your finances where they need to be.

38. Redecorate.

You don’t need to spend a fortune to spruce up your home, or even just a small part of it.

Rearrange your furniture or print a bunch of pictures and create a wall gallery.

39. Practice the art of seduction.

You don’t need a partner to make yourself feel good.

Whether you’re single, in a committed relationship, or anywhere in between, there’s nothing wrong with taking the time to pleasure yourself.

Make it special by lighting candles, playing music, and wearing something sexy.

40. Start a home improvement project.

DIY projects are all the rage, and there’s no reason you should miss out on the rewarding experience of repurposing a flea market find, painting your bedroom, or retiling your bathroom.

Not so handy? No problem. The internet is packed with tips and tricks to help you get your project completed.

41. Take an online class.

Online learning has exploded in recent years. You can now learn just about anything without even leaving your house.

Choose something simply for fun or find something to benefit your health, career, or personal growth.

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What are your favorite things to do alone?

Hopefully, after reading these hobbies to do alone, you have come across a few things that strike a chord with you. Doing things alone may seem boring or difficult at first, but once you find some fun things to do alone, you’ll start to crave that time you have away from the world.

When thinking about what to do alone, remember that adding some solitude into your packed schedule is never a waste of time. In fact, the busier your life is, the more you will benefit from having fun things to do alone.

Even if it’s just for a few minutes a day, make sure that you find some time for yourself. This might stretch you out of your comfort zone, but creating some solo time could be the missing ingredient to perfect balance in your life.

What are some activities you enjoy doing alone? Do you know others who might appreciate this list of fun things to do alone? If so, please take a moment to share this list on your preferred social media platform.

Why You Should Find Time to Be Alone With Yourself

Don’t confuse loneliness with time by yourself.

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By Micaela Marini Higgs

Being lonely hurts — it can even negatively impact your health. But the mere act of being alone with oneself doesn’t have to be bad, and experts say it can even benefit your social relationships, improve your creativity and confidence, and help you regulate your emotions so that you can better deal with adverse situations.

“It’s not that solitude is always good, but it can be good” if you’re open to rejecting the idea — common in the west — that time by yourself is always a negative experience you’re being forced into, according to Thuy-vy Nguyen, an assistant professor in the department of psychology at Durham University, who studies solitude.

“We have some evidence to show that valuing solitude doesn’t really hurt your social life, in fact, it might add to it,” she said, pointing out that because solitude helps us regulate our emotions, it can have a calming effect that prepares us to better engage with others.

Choosing to spend time doing things by yourself can have mental, emotional and social benefits, but the key to reaping those positive rewards comes from choosing to spend time alone. In a culture where we often confuse being alone for loneliness, the ability to appreciate time by ourselves prevents us from processing the experience as a negative thing. In fact, getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout, said Emily Roberts, a psychotherapist.

The added bonus? Getting started is easy — all you need is yourself.

Why it’s hard to spend time alone

“Historically, solitude has had a pretty bad rap” because it is sometimes used as a form of punishment, said Robert Coplan, a developmental psychologist and professor of psychology at Carleton University.

The problem is that we forget solitude can also be a choice — and it doesn’t have to be full time. Because there is so much research demonstrating that humans are social creatures who benefit from interacting with others, “people will try to dismiss that it’s also important to spend time alone,” he said. “It’s hard for them to imagine that you can have both.”

“Some people make their solitude experience entirely about other people,” Dr. Nguyen added. Research has shown that people often feel inhibited from enjoying activities alone, especially when they think others are watching them. Overestimating how much other people are paying attention to us, and worrying that we’re being judged, can stop us from doing things that would otherwise bring us joy.

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Being alone with your thoughts, and giving yourself the space and unstructured time to let your mind wander without social distractions, can also sometimes feel intimidating, said Angela Grice, a speech language pathologist who has conducted research on executive functions and neuroscience at Howard University and the Neurocognition of Language Lab at Columbia University.

“There have been studies that show when we are by ourselves, what is uncomfortable is the lack of stimuli, that you can’t rely on other people to shape your experience in a certain way,” Dr. Nguyen said.

Our aversion to being alone can be quite drastic: A quarter of the women and two-thirds of the men in a University of Virginia study chose to subject themselves to an electric shock rather than do nothing and spend time alone with their thoughts.

Why it’s good to spend time alone

An online survey called The Rest Test showed that the majority of activities people defined as most restful are things that are done solo.

Despite the social stigma and apprehension about spending time alone, it’s something our bodies crave. Similar to how loneliness describes being alone and wanting company, “aloneliness” can be used to describe the natural desire for solitude, Dr. Coplan said. Since we’re not used to labeling that feeling, it can easily be confused for, and feed into, other feelings like anxiety, exhaustion and stress, especially since “we might not know that time alone is what we need to make ourselves feel better,” Dr. Coplan added.

Enjoying the benefits of time alone isn’t a question of being an introvert or extrovert, Dr. Nguyen said. More consistently, people who value solitude and who tend not to ignore their own desires in the pursuit of pleasing others will find time alone more enjoyable, she said.

The freedom of not having to follow the lead of others, with “no pressure to do anything, no pressure to talk to anyone, no obligation to make plans with people,” is a great way to process and decompress, even for highly social individuals, Ms. Roberts said. It also helps us discover new interests and ideas without having to worry about the opinions of others — one study even showed that teens are less self-conscious when they’re alone.

“Cultivating this sense of being alone and making the choice to be alone can help you to develop who you are, your sense of self, and what your true interests are,” Dr. Grice said. Knowing oneself makes it easier to find other people who share your passions, and can improve your empathy. It can also help you re-evaluate “filler” friendships: relationships you maintain because you’d rather do anything on a Friday night besides staying at home by yourself, even at the cost of spending time with people whose company you don’t enjoy.

Time with your thoughts sans social distractions can also be restorative, build your confidence and make it easier for you to maintain boundaries, Ms. Roberts said. In addition, it can boost productivity, engagement with others and creativity, and a study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science found that brainstorming was enhanced when participants alternated between brainstorming alone and with a group.

How to do it

In a twist on the golden rule: treat yourself as you would treat others. Don’t flake. Be open to exploring new interests. Make space in your life and put in the time, even if it’s just spending 30 minutes a week reading at a cafe.

If you’re just getting started, “take small steps,” Dr. Grice suggests. Time spent alone is a great opportunity to explore new interests, but it doesn’t mean you have to totally push yourself outside of your comfort zone. And if the thought of spending time alone is especially stressful or triggering, that could be an important sign that you may need professional support, Dr. Grice adds.

But if you’re at a loss as to how to jump in, “plan out something that you know that you will enjoy doing, maybe something that helps you feel more productive, or helps you be more relaxed,” Dr. Nguyen said.

If you’re having an especially hard time listening to the thoughts inside your head, journaling can be a great way of working through and evaluating those emotions, Ms. Roberts said. And though it’s tempting, “try not to be on your phone, because it’s too big of a distraction.” Instead, Dr. Coplan suggests reading, making crafts, going to a movie, grabbing a meal, visiting a park, trying to learn a new skill or any one of the infinite options available besides making your alone time about other people and obsessively checking social media.

Ultimately, each person will have a different ideal balance between how much time they spend alone and with others, but “nobody is going to be optimally served by doing only one or the other,” he said.

Above all, the most important step in being able to reap the benefits of time alone is simple, Dr. Nguyen said: “Take the opportunity to say, ‘This is the time where I can give something to myself,’ and just endorse that, in this moment, you are your first choice.”