What are you doing daddy i am only 18
What are you doing daddy i am only 18
Daddy issues: могут ли проблемы с отцом в детстве испортить отношения с партнёром сегодня
Daddy issues — это неофициальный термин, которым обозначают психологические проблемы из-за нарушенной эмоциональной связи с отцом. Например, считается, что если папа ушёл из семьи, то взрослая дочь будет искать в отношениях замену его любви. Разобрались, правда ли существует «комплекс отца» и как отсутствие родителя может повлиять на вашу жизнь.
Насколько реальны daddy issues
Daddy issues называют проблемы с выстраиванием надёжной привязанности, которые могут возникнуть, если человека воспитывал только один родитель. Иногда этот термин употребляют психологи, но чаще его можно встретить в соцсетях.
Например, про daddy issues особенно много говорят в TikTok. Чаще всего в шутливом контексте, указывая на возможные сексуальные предпочтения. Например, авторы некоторых роликов считают, что если у девушки проблемы с отцом, то, скорее всего, ей нравится почти весь каст «Мстителей» и гипермаскулинные доминирующие персонажи. А ещё она обожает игры с доминированием, где предпочитает подчиняться и любит «пожёстче». Однако daddy issues — это не про сексуальные предпочтения, а про психологические проблемы, причём вполне реальные.
Когда отношения с отцом могут стать проблемой
Согласно исследованию, проведённому ВШЭ в 2015 году, процент неполных семей, где ребёнка воспитывает только один родитель, — около 25%. При этом, по данным уполномоченного при президенте РФ по правам ребёнка Анны Кузнецовой, в 2017 году в 5 из 17 миллионов российских семей ребёнка воспитывает только мать.
Психологи утверждают, что в детстве привязанность ребёнка к одному из родителей была нарушена, это может привести к проблемам во взрослом возрасте. Например, в следующих случаях:
То есть daddy issues могут возникнуть, если отец не выступал в роли полноценного родителя, не вызывал доверия и не давал на себя положиться.
По мнению американского психолога Джона Готтмана, соавтора книги «Эмоциональный интеллект ребёнка: Практическое руководство для родителей», мама и папа с раннего детства должны удовлетворять эмоциональные потребности ребёнка: в защите, заботе, подарках и во внимании, в совместном времяпрепровождении, нежности и физическом контакте. Когда фигура отца не присутствует в жизни ребёнка настолько, насколько ему это нужно, то эти потребности могут остаться незакрытыми. Возникает ощущение пустоты, тактильного голода и потребности в любви, которые человек может перекладывать на других — то есть на своих партнёров. А также отношения с отцом могут повлиять на общий уровень удовлетворённости отношениями в будущем. Об этом свидетельствуют публикации в научном журнале «Вестник Санкт-Петербургского университета».
Исследователи из Университета Бихача отмечают, что ребёнок, выросший без отца или с отцом, с которым была нарушена привязанность, может страдать от низкой самооценки и неуверенности в себе и чувствовать себя уязвимым в общении со сверстниками.
Однако если надёжная привязанность установлена хотя бы с матерью, то психологических проблем может и не возникнуть. Исследования, опубликованные в журнале «Семья и личность: проблемы взаимодействия», показывают, что хорошие прочные отношения с одним из родителей могут помочь ребёнку чувствовать себя увереннее и снизить эффект от плохих отношений с другим родителем.
Как понять, что у вас «комплекс отца»
Есть много вариантов, как могут сложиться отношения с партнёром, если детские потребности человека были не удовлетворены. Психотерапевт и семейный психолог Юлия Хилл с десятилетним опытом консультирования выделяет следующие сценарии:
Что говорят девушки, у которых не сложились отношения с отцом
В детстве у нас с папой всё было супер, и я чувствовала любовь, заботу и поддержку. А вот с подросткового возраста всё изменилось — он начал выпивать, с каждым годом всё больше и больше. Это стало причиной агрессии и ненависти к окружающим, в том числе и ко мне. Поэтому оскорблений от него я наслушалась больше, чем от кого-либо ещё в жизни. В порывах гнева несколько раз он говорил что-то вроде «да кому ты будешь нужна как жена» и другие не самые приятные вещи.
Я заметила, что такое отношение отца ко мне сильно влияет на мою взрослую жизнь. Во-первых, я боюсь вступать в серьёзные отношения и вообще выходить замуж, потому что не хочу, чтобы лет через десять мой муж превратился в такого дядьку. Во-вторых, родительское отношение повлияло на мою самооценку. И, наверное, я больше симпатизирую мужчинам старше меня, потому что кажется, что так я увижу, как выглядит человек в зрелом возрасте, а ровесники ещё могут измениться в худшую сторону.
У меня есть папа, и он живёт с нами. Не могу сказать, что у нас очень дружная семья. Я практически не общаюсь с папой, и мы совсем не близки. Так, перекидываемся дежурными фразами, можем пошутить — и всё. Я никогда не чувствовала, что меня любят и мной интересуются, потому что он никогда не проявлял ко мне внимания.
В детстве мне казалось, что это никак на меня не влияет, но когда я выросла, отношения с папой начали сказываться на моей жизни. Я не чувствовала себя под защитой, не ощущала поддержки. Сложно было с парнями, потому что мне казалось, что я никому не нужна, — и сама добивалась их внимания, а когда понимала, что кому-то нравлюсь, то сразу теряла интерес. Получается, флирт восполнял во мне нехватку папиной любви.
Ещё до 18 лет у меня были ужасные комплексы и сложности с самооценкой: я чувствовала себя страшненькой, потому что в обратном меня никто не убеждал. Я считала себя красивой, только если так говорили мальчики, — и чувствовала, что выгляжу хорошо, только если получала их одобрение.
Мои родители поженились очень молодыми, им было по 21 году. Когда мне был год, отец ушёл из семьи. Он продолжал со мной общаться, всегда был очень весёлым папой и в какой-то степени даже был рядом, но никогда меня не воспитывал и ничему не учил. Мы встречались где-то раз в месяц, и мама никогда не препятствовала общению, хотя и обижалась на отца. Папа стал настоящим родителем, только когда завёл вторую семью. Для меня он остался «весёлым челом на выходные».
Сегодня я чувствую, что мне очень трудно начинать отношения — я проецирую образ своего папы на потенциального партнёра. Если я вижу, что человек ещё «не созрел», я сразу отказываюсь от отношений, потому что боюсь, что повторится сценарий моих родителей и меня бросят. Я не хочу вступать в брак, не вижу в нём смысла — возможно, потому, что я видела, как у родителей ничего не получилось. Я все время ищу «мужского» внимания от друзей-парней, потому что не получила его от отца и мало проводила с ним времени.
А ещё я не воспринимаю мужскую фигуру как авторитет: если руководитель — мужчина, то для меня это показатель слабости, потому что всеми сложными делами вроде здоровья и денег дома занималась моя мама, а не несерьёзный папа. То есть для меня все сильные качества заключены в маме, а папа ассоциируется с чем-то незрелым.
Мои родители развелись, когда мне был год, потому что папа изменял маме. Первые лет пять он старался проявлять внимание: приезжал, дарил подарки. Но у него уже была новая семья с той самой женщиной. Я помню странное чувство: когда он меня забирал, он был со своей новой беременной женой, я сидела у неё на коленях и думала, что изменяю своей маме.
Я росла без отца, а когда виделась с ним, то чувствовала себя неловко — особенно когда подросла. Я не понимала: мне нужно называть его папой? Или надо как-то по-другому?
Он относился ко мне с любовью и теплом, но мне казалось, что это наигранно. Говорил, какая я стала красивая, как я выросла, но я думала: «И что мне с твоих слов?» Мне приятно, но это всё заслуга мамы, которая горбатилась и растила меня. Иногда мне было грустно, что у моих подруг есть отцы, которые их даже подвозят, забирают со школы или дают «батькины советы», — я даже не знала, что так бывает. Я чувствую, что меня недолюбили.
Не помню, как мои отношения с отцом сказывались на школьных романах, но в своих текущих отношениях я это чётко ощущаю. У меня всё время завышенные ожидания от партнёра, мне хочется, чтобы он нёс за меня ответственность, чтобы я могла почувствовать себя маленькой девочкой, — пусть я ничего не буду делать, а меня возьмут на ручки, пожалеют и решат все проблемы. Мне хочется, чтобы партнёр заменил мне отца, но это неправильно — нельзя заставить другого человека решать всё за тебя.
Как начать менять ситуацию, если проблемы с отцом влияют на отношения
За проблемами дочерей, которым не хватало эмоционального присутствия отца, стоит страх быть отвергнутой. Его запускает механизм привязанности, или тип привязанности.
Теорию привязанности сформулировал британский психиатр Джон Боулби, а затем её расширили и дополнили его коллеги и ученики. Тип привязанности — это то, как человек ведёт себя в значимых близких отношениях. Самые первые и важные отношения у ребёнка возникают с родителями, и они закладывают основу поведения во всех остальных отношениях. Однако по мере взросления тип привязанности может меняться.
Определите тип привязанности
Психологи выделяют четыре основных типа привязанности: надёжный, тревожный, избегающий и дезорганизованный (или тревожно-избегающий).
Надёжный тип — это наиболее адаптивный тип привязанности. Ребёнок с таким типом чувствует себя в безопасности: он знает, что родители всегда эмоционально доступны, они его любят, принимают, заботятся, на них можно положиться.
Тревожный тип привязанности может встречаться у людей, чей отец был значимой фигурой в семье, но при этом — эмоционально несдержанный, заботящийся, но чрезмерно тревожный, контролирующий, критикующий. В их жизни часто звучало: «Мне от папы влетит». Ребёнок воспринимает реакции отца как зашифрованное послание: «Хочешь быть любимой — будь хорошей девочкой». И пытается заслужить его любовь.
Вырастая, такие люди часто не уверены в себе, стараются понравиться, но при этом страшно боятся ошибиться и быть отвергнутыми. Им требуется постоянное подтверждение того, что их любят. Они буквально сканируют реакции партнёра и додумывают: доволен ли, понравилось ли, устал или злится? Если партнёр не звонит один день, то не возникает мысли, что он занят, — скорее, что он затаил обиду или вообще решил прекратить отношения.
Тревожный тип, как правило, выбирает партнёров с избегающим типом привязанности, которые немногословны, безэмоциональны и во всём привыкли полагаться на себя.
Дезорганизованный тип привязанности (или тревожно-избегающий) возникает, если человеку в детстве нанесли серьёзную психологическую травму — жестоко обращались, сверхопекали и контролировали. Родитель вёл себя непредсказуемо: был источником то комфорта, то страха. Ребёнок с таким типом совмещает черты и тревожного, и избегающего, вырастает противоречивым и непредсказуемым.
Человек хочет близости, стремится в отношения, но как только оказывается в них, ему начинает казаться, что партнёра слишком много, и он хочет вырваться из этих отношений.
Отслеживайте, что вызывает тревогу
Реакции, свойственные тому или иному типу привязанности, запускаются автоматически. Ваш мозг считывает сигналы партнёра как опасные или безопасные, заставляя реагировать привычным образом. Ваша задача — научиться определять моменты, которые мозг по привычке считает опасными, и контролировать своё поведение.
Это нелегко и требует любопытства к себе и самоизучения. Постарайтесь найти «триггер», который запускает ваши страхи привязанности. Это могут быть фразы партнёра, ситуации, поведение и даже жесты и мимика, на которые мозг даёт сигнал об опасности, а дальше вы уже действуете «на автопилоте», на эмоциях и не задумываясь.
Например, ваш отец пил запоями. Пока папа был трезвым, ваша жизнь была тихой и мирной, а когда пьяным — все стояли на ушах. Вы привыкли жить как на спящем вулкане. Во взрослом возрасте любые стабильные отношения могут нагонять на вас страх: мозг помнит, что после затишья грянет буря. И тогда, чтобы не дожидаться неизвестно чего, вы можете брать управление в свои руки и начинать искать острые ощущения, заранее провоцируя конфликт с партнёром. Ссора происходит, и вы убеждаетесь в своей правоте. Наступает период мира, но продлится он недолго.
Попробуйте реагировать на тревожащие вещи не так, как обычно
В моменты, вызывающие тревогу, попробуйте намеренно переключиться с эмоций на рациональность, вернуться в текущий момент и постараться оценить его без влияния опыта прошлых отношений. Так мелкими шажками вы научитесь фиксировать то, что беспокоит, — и начнёте постепенно работать над собой.
Важно, что это только начало большого пути: нужно продолжать замечать свои страхи и учиться реагировать на них рационально. Чтобы пройти этот путь быстрее, вы можете обратиться за помощью к психотерапевту — в этом нет ничего неловкого или постыдного.
💙 Семья — это не всегда просто
Обложка: кадр из фильма «Красота по-американски»
Do I Have Daddy Issues Quiz. Find Out With 99% Accuracy
Take this quiz if you ask, Do I have daddy issues? This 20-question test reveals if you have a father complex based on your personality and relationship status.
Explaining Daddy Issues in the Simplest Way
Unhealthy, missing, or abusive relationships of a father and his daughter might cause daddy issues (also known as father complexes). It is a condition where the daughter forms toxic relationships with other men who treat her like her father.
Marisa Peer, the author of ‘I Am Enough‘ and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy®️(RTT), says, “It does not mean that you want to date your dad. But it also kind of does.” She adds, “your mind tries to recreate what you already know. And then gets you to put a happy ending on it.”
So, the father complex is rooted in your brain’s effort to recreate your relationship with your dad so you can fix it.
Sigmund Freud believed that the primary cause of such complexes is Penis Envy. According to his theory, girls between 3 to 8 years old (at the Phallic Stage) subconsciously have sexual feelings for their dad. If they do not receive enough attention and love during this period, they might face emotional fixations and problems.
Do I Have Daddy Issues? (The Short Answer)
You might have a daddy complex if your relationship with your father was not healthy. Having a lost, abusive, pampering, toxic, ruined, or anguished pater figure increases the chances of facing daddy issues in the future.
Signs You Might Have Daddy Issues
One way to answer, “Do I have daddy issues?” is to look for the signs. Below you see the top indicators of a toxic father-daughter relationship. If you have one or more of the following signs, you might be suffering from some mental disorders or anxiety problems.
You are interested in older guys.
People with daddy issues tend to look for paternal figures in their lives. That is because they want to refill the emptiness of their childhood. So, they are more likely to find older men—or someone who treats them like a child.
You are mistrustful and have commitment issues.
Many father complexes are developed because of the absent fatherly figure. So, a person with daddy issues might find it hard to trust other men—as she thinks they will all leave her alone. And that leads to commitment issues where the person finds it hard to stay in a serious relationship.
You seek too much validation and attention from your partner.
You might give others some hard time before it occurs to you to ask, “Do I have daddy issues?” Such complex damage your confidence and self-esteem badly. So, you want to fix it using your partner’s validation, attention, and compliments.
You cannot remain single for a long time.
It is difficult for people with an absent fatherly figure to remain single. They constantly feel the need to ask for another man’s validation and love. So, it is more convenient for them to engage in a romantic relationship right after one ends.
You always end up with emotionally unavailable people.
You are wondering, “Do I have daddy issues?” But maybe you should think of it this way, “do I recreate my relationship with my father?” People with such conditions are subconsciously attracted to narcissistic and problematic persons—because such people represent their father.
Take the Quiz to Find Out More
The ‘Do I Have Daddy Issues?’ quiz is the most reliable way to discover the dark sides of your dad-daughter relationship. Our test offers 20 personality and self-report questions to uncover your problems. And it provides you with an in-depth analysis—rather than a yes/no answer.
Unhealthy Father-Daughter Relationships That Lead to Daddy Issues
Here is what to look for if you do not want to take the ‘Do I Have Daddy Issues?’ quiz. The following parent types are the ones that cause childhood traumas and future relationship problems.
· The Lost Father
An ignoring paternal figure can always lead to future daddy issues. Such a father is there but abandons his daughter emotionally.
· The Abusive Father
Impulsive, tempered, and emotionally unstable dads cause conflicts in their child’s future life. People with such parents are more likely to ask, “Do I have daddy issues?” or struggle with their trauma-related problems. You should take our Emotional Abuse Test to make sure your father did not mistreat you as a kid.
· The Pampering Father
Giving too much attention and love is another reason why your child might ask, “Do I have daddy issues?” A pampering father finds it hard to say no to his daughter. And that spoils the child, making her believe everyone should treat her like a princess.
· The Toxic Father
Sometimes, you wonder, “Do I have daddy issues?” because you had been through helicopter parenting. Your dad always tried to restrict you—no matter what. Such a control freak parent leads to relationship issues where you seek people who want to dominate you.
· The Ruined Father
For any reason, a dad who relies on his daughter to live causes father complexes as well. Such a girl would have low self-esteem and allow other men to take advantage of her in sexual or non-sexual ways.
· The Anguished Father
Read Before Taking the ‘Do I Have Daddy Issues?’ Quiz
Marisa Peer says, “Love is not to be run after, chased, earned, or bought. You love someone, and they love you back,” She believes, even if you had a great dad, you should not date his replicas in the future. Instead, you need to learn self-love and find a person that matches your criteria. “Change the beginning instead of the end,” she suggests to those who subconsciously recreate their relationship with their father to fix it.
Disclaimer
The ‘Do I Have Daddy Issues?’ quiz is not a clinical way to analyze your condition. It is best to consult a therapist about such problems.
DADDY ISSUES: 15 SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE THEM & WHY
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
Let’s talk Daddy Issues. For a while now, I’ve wanted to post a photo of my parents and title the blog post “A Photo of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated.” I’m not sure about that exact approach, but I’m definitely going to write a post about dating versions of our parents soon because it’s one of those things where once you make the connection, your relational life is never the same.
Since it’s Father’s Day today, this whole week I’ve been thinking about my own daddy issues, how they’ve affected me, why they’ve haunted me for so long, and really, why I even had such deep daddy issues in the first place. I have a Dad who was consistently present growing up. He was never abusive and we have incredible memories together.
Daddy issues aren’t something that’s only reserved for women with absentee, abusive (emotionally or physically) or disloyal fathers.
Daddy issues are just as prevalent in women who have a Dad that was and is present.
Why? Let’s find out.
First off, what are Daddy Issues?
When it comes to girls with daddy issues…
If you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable and/or narcissistic men, you most likely have daddy issues. You subconsciously attract (and are attracted to) men that highlight any unresolved issues that you have in both the relationship and/or lack thereof, with your Father or a significant male figure from your childhood. This can quickly become an addictive pattern. It creates an illusory feeling of comfort due to the familiarity but also, it creates an underlying feeling of dis-ease in your relationships (which is why you’re always giving and trying to be “good enough”).
You never feel like it’s the “right” relationship unless you’re feeling insecure, competitive, and jealous; like you have something to “chase after” and “prove.” You gravitate toward relationships that “keep you on your toes,” instead of relationships that are mutual, meaningful, and solid.
15 signs that you may have Daddy Issues
(I’ve had/embodied every one of these at one time or another in my life)
If the relationship that you have with yourself sucks, your dating life can best be described as a trailer for a self-help workshop, and if you continue to have “bad luck” with men… chances are it started with the relationship (or lack of a relationship) with Dad or a significant male/paternal figure from your childhood.
You don’t trust because you subconsciously trusted Dad and he hurt you/didn’t meet your expectations/didn’t accept you/didn’t validate you/loved you conditionally/abandoned you/emotionally starved you, etc. This also happens if you feel like Dad didn’t protect you.
You even seek the validation of other men when you’re with a good guy (which never lasts). You’re a validation junkie and can never get enough.
This can result in continuing to go back to your ex (emotionally, physically, or both), sleeping with your ex, continuing to feel like you have a say in what and who he does, etc. You feel like you “own” him even after the relationship has ended. It’s like losing a family member and a lover all in one.
I didn’t acknowledge or realize this until I was well into my adulthood.
My parents got divorced when I was very young. The time that I was able to spend with my Father was subsequently minimized. So, every time I saw my Dad, he was just trying to make the most out of the day. And as great as that was, it disallowed a certain realness and connectivity that would have been there if I was able to see him and live with him on a daily basis. Dad and I didn’t really get into the heavy stuff because we just wanted to enjoy our day.
As I got older, this led to me going after guys who were emotionally disconnected. I had become emotionally unavailable myself and I still battle my reverse narcissism to this day. I made everyone’s bad and hurtful behavior about me not being good enough. And I failed to let people own their own behavior and decisions because I couldn’t own my own.
My consistent pattern of being involved with emotionally unavailable and narcissistic men came from patterns that were ingrained as a child. You don’t have to have an abusive or absentee father to have daddy issues. You could, like me, have a father who didn’t always express his emotions or you could have a father that you had to “work” to impress or notice you.
I am lucky enough to coach some of the most successful, well-known, and powerful people on this planet. And it never ceases to amaze me how quickly they regress back to their younger, eager, validation-seeking selves when Dad sends them a simple text after skating in and out of their lives (either emotionally, physically, or both) for years and years.
Do I like having my Dad’s approval and validation? Of course. But whether or not I get it doesn’t make nearly as much of a difference as having my own approval.
If your Dad had a hard time expressing his emotions, accepting you, or making you feel beautiful//accepted/capable, he was most likely emotionally unavailable and unhappy with himself and his life at the time.
No one had the perfect parent and no one will be the perfect parent. My father is very far from perfect. We are all fighting our own battles. There comes a point though when we need to realize that if a pattern exists, it’s not Dad or our boyfriend hurting us, it’s us choosing to retraumatize ourselves because that’s all we know.
We don’t know what availability or connectivity looks or feels like. And even though we may claim to want it more than anything, we’re much more comfortable in an environment of claiming to want it while being the victim of its absence.
If you’re wondering why you keep going after emotionally unavailable men, it’s because you’re chasing the familiar. Familiarity is predictable. And predictable, especially to a traumatized heart, is safe.
You convince yourself that if you can do the one thing no human will ever be able to do (make another person change out of being who they are), then THAT will invalidate Dad and de-pedestal him. It will deactivate the pain he caused, prove HIM to be wrong, and your Happily Ever After can now begin. This never happens because empathy, emotional availability, compassion, loyalty, and responsibility are things that can never be bribed, “brought out,” or instilled in anyone. You either have them or you don’t.
As little girls, we want to impress our fathers. We want them to think we are as amazing as we think they are. Dad is the first man that we ever say “I love you” to and the man who we subconsciously compare every man to – good or bad, absent or present.
With dads who are emotionally unavailable, the daughter convinces herself that if she does/is good enough, she’ll get Dad to stay/validate/love her/notice her, etc. This then sets her up with a lifetime, VIP pass for riding the toxic relationship ferris wheel. It allows her to justify making excuses, ignoring red flags, and giving multiple chances to partners who did not deserve one. She convinces herself that he will change and scares herself into the submission of believing that if she lets him go, he’ll combust into the man of her dreams with another, “better” girl.
If you have a dad who is present, celebrate him today and if you don’t have a dad, father yourself by making the promise that you’re not going to be at the end of your life years from now saying “I see it all so clearly now and I can’t go back in time. Why did I waste so much time?”
You’re never going to be at the end of your life one day, wishing that you got hurt and devalued more.
You’re never going to wish that you kept putting yourself in the emotional line of fire.
You’re never going to regret getting off the toxic relationship ferris wheel and you’re never going to regret using your daddy issues to motivate you out of your dysfunction instead of keeping you immersed in the quicksand of your triggers.
Once you identify your daddy issues, you’ll be able to work toward making them a thing of the past. You’ll also be able to make sure that your future/current daughter knows that she’s enough.
If you don’t have or want kids, go find a photo of yourself as a kid and remind that little girl in the photo that she’s more than enough.
And we’ve got each other.
Are you done with toxic relationships and ready to attract (and be attracted to) healthy relationships? Do you want to connect with others on a deeper level than the comments below? Click here to become an Emotional Mastery Member and learn more. If you’re looking for more personalized, one-on-one help, you can work directly with Natasha Adamo here.
Related Posts
52 Comments
Natasha. This was exactly what I needed. You are a healer and I hope you know that your doing God’s work. Thank u!
Natasha. I just got out of a relationship with a truly despicable man for whom I dropped every boundary that I ever thought I had, subjected myself to and accepted from him everything you have described in your posts. Right now, I am ashamed, humiliated, angry, desperate for relief and sad that I have wasted my whole life by not recognizing that I fit the description of a reverse narcissist. I have wasted my life on bad relationships, affairs, accepting emotionally unavailable men into my world and breaking up with the good ones because I need validation from other people (mostly men) to make me feel worthwhile/beautiful/wanted/excited/alive. This last relationship broke me. He was a reflection of the self-destructiveness and negative feelings I have towards myself. I came to your website looking for answers and when I read your posts on narcissists and Daddy Issues my whole world blew up.
I was married once when I was 21. Lasted a year. I never had kids or married again but had several long term relationships and in every single one of them I cheated when someone I thought of as superior to me wanted into my pants/made me feel sexy and beautiful/told me what a great person I was. I work in a male dominated industry and am pretty successful in it, financially independent and still physically attractive. But I am 48 now, had a heart attack last year (few people know about it and to look at me you can’t even tell that I have health issues). I am afraid that my time is running out and that nobody will want me if they knew my whole story. I’ve always seen myself as a strong, successful, progressive, attractive, independent woman. Not so much huh? I know this is why I allowed a truly bad guy to destroy me and everything I thought I was.
I don’t know what to do now. My family does not ever ever ever talk about anything of substance. My dad was a functional alcoholic who would go on benders every weekend. He would come home and him and my mom would have EPIC fights that would end in one of two ways: either he would pass out on the bathroom floor after puking his guts out or he would lock himself in the 2nd bedroom with a closet full of hunting rifles and scare my mom to the point of catatonia. I was the one who had to try and protect my little brother and do everything I could to keep the peace and prevent anyone from doing anything to trigger his anger.. Next day?? Life would go on as if nothing ever happened. If anything was ever said (and that was a big IF) it was my mom making excuses and telling us that he is a good man that works hard and supports his family so we should all make allowances for his behavior.
My question to you Natasha is this: what happens when a woman IS the exception to the rule?
When I was 16, after a huge fight and having to call my aunt and uncle and an ambulance for my mom (who was in full blown catatonia on the couch) I had a blow up of my own with my father. When he was sober the next day we had an epic fight. I snapped. I screamed at him that he wasn’t a good father, he wasn’t my father, I had no respect for him because he is a drunk, he is an asshole and that I no longer wanted to be a part of the family. This, coming from me?? The peacekeeper good little girl do everything anyone asks and always avoid confrontation me? It was shocking.
He Stopped Drinking!
No more benders, no more fights. He quit cold turkey. My mom and him are still together, married now 45 years. We have NEVER NEVER NEVER talked about ANY of this as a family. Life just went on. I think they have tried to make it up to me by being overly involved in my life and always being available if I ever needed anything. My mom wants me to find a man because she doesn’t want me to be alone in the second half of my life.
So, if I was good enough to change my father when his own wife couldn’t do it, why am I not good enough to change someone I love into a decent human being??
Thank you so much for sharing.
I wish that I could elaborate further and answer your questions, but I have too much to say to type it all out not enough hands to type or hours in the day. I would also need more details.
Thanks for your love, for reading and for your understanding. Keep coming back here to the blog.
All my love to you soul sister.
You’re not alone xo
Love you too! Proud of you soul sis! xx
Thank you so much for this Catherine, this made me cry!! Love you sister 🙂 xo
Completely on point again. Not only did I leave my relationship with an emotionally unavailable man I had to face my own trauma with my father. It has been a hard 5 months of self relflection and understanding my “compulsive repetition” pattern. I couldn’t have gotten this far in my healing without my therapist and you. I now have all ends covered! Haha! Thank you Natasha..you really are a blessing.
I’m so glad that it helped! You’re doing all the right things. Thanks so much for the love and support Tan 🙂 xoxo
You’re going to make me cry. Thank YOU so much Eve! 🙂 You are loved, supported, back and believed in. XOXO
Brought me to tears and empowered me all at once.
I knew the what and why in a very foggy state; you pulled me out of that fog and gave me clarity, and now I am all the more ready and anxious to break this toxic pattern, embark on the road to forgiveness and move forward.
Your words speak truth and they heal!
Eternally grateful,
S
Sammi, you brought me to tears. Thank you very much 🙂 I’m so happy it helped! You are believed in, supported & never alone. All my love to you. xo
Thank you so much for writing this article…it has given me that extra push to go ahead and seek out a counsellor for my issues. At 22,I need to break the cycle now if I’m ever going to have a good relationship with anyone.
I’m so happy that it served you. You are believed in, loved, supported and never alone. Thanks June! xx
In my 2nd therapy session, she told me “you have screaming Daddy issues”. I responded with, “I do not. I have issues with my mother who defined my relationship with my father because he wasn’t in my life”. Then later I googled “do i have daddy issues?” and then I found this and you. I do have Daddy issues. Your words “your dad is the first man you say I love you to”, really hit home with me because I never got to say I love you to my father and I was 7 years old before I had a step dad that I could say it to and he didn’t say it back. Now, I understand why I said “i love you” to every single guy I dated (and probably frightened). I am also beginning to understand why I’ve chosen the people I’ve wasted so much of my time with. They were all my normal.
I’m working thru a devastating break-up. He didn’t break up with me…why would you end a relationship with a bottomless ATM with no rules or limitations? I ended it for me and am single for the first time in my adult life (i’ll be 52 on my birthday).
Forever grateful for having found your blog and will continue to use your words to fill my brain with your spot on affirmation. Horses always bite me but I’m gonna stay on my white horse despite my fear! Love & Hugs!!
Omg, your comment about being a bottomless ATM with no rules or limitations really hit home. I used to think he really loved me and that things would get better.
Then I realized he was just comfortable and didn’t want to disturb the status quo.
I randomly came across this blog and let me tell you, you made me understand so many things about myself. I needed to read this. Blessings xoxo
I’m so happy that the blog has helped and am honored to have played a part in your healing and realizations. Thank you for the love and support. All my love to you soul sister 🙂 xo
Butterfly princess says:
All my life I’ve been lost, hating myself, thinking I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not worth any love of any kind, I’ve had a string of “bad luck” with men and used reverse narcissism on myself to explain my bad luck. I’ve been broken, torn, abused without a way out and I’ve let this all happen because of exactly what you mentioned above, I was scared that the men I dated would move on and be better for a “better” girl, so I’d hold on tight, I dare to add I would be clingy too, break ups felt catastrophic like you said. To say the least you just described my entire life, and I’m entirely greatful to you for this closure. I have decided to break the chains, I’m currently with an emotionally unavailable man (typical right?)?but I’ve known problem now and I hope God gives me the strength to overcome it. May God bless you Natasha. You are God’s voice to me, thanks for delivering his message.
OMG!! This totally made me see my pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men because the good ones were boring. Lol
Thank you Natasha. You are truly a blessing!
Twitter LinkedIn icon The word «in».
LinkedIn Fliboard icon A stylized letter F.
Flipboard Facebook Icon The letter F.
Email Link icon An image of a chain link. It symobilizes a website link url.
Six months ago, I decided to become a sugar baby.
My reasoning was simple. I’d grown frustrated with dating men in my city — maybe I’d just had one too many Tinder dates end in mediocre conversation. My day job offers me control over my schedule, since I don’t work a traditional nine-to-five. I wanted to supplement my income and have some fun doing it, so I decided to try finding a sugar daddy.
For the uninitiated, «sugaring» is a form of dating in which one partner financially supports the other, often in the form of cash or gifts. As a woman in a major city with an appreciation for societal deviance, I figured the lifestyle might suit me well.
Whether it was exhaustion of millennial swiping, or maybe the thrill of experiencing life outside my usual means, I found myself creating a profile on the primary website for sugaring connections, SeekingArrangement.
In the half-year since then, I’ve met some highly interesting people — not to mention I’ve received thousands of dollars in cash, trips across the country, access to five-star hotels and restaurants, and expensive gifts like shoes and clothing I never could have ordinarily afforded.
Read on for a firsthand look at what it’s really like to be a sugar baby.
Before I found my first sugar daddy, I needed an idea of why I was sugaring
As with regular dating, if you dive into the sugaring lifestyle without an idea of what you want, you’re likely to be disappointed.
Do you want a cash allowance, and do you have a set amount in mind? Is it certain bills you want covered? Do you want gifts, shopping, and travel? Having a clear idea of what kind of «sugar,» or exchange, you want for the relationship is key.
How about the actual dating part — do you like dating older men? Because sugar daddies tend to be older than the women they date. How much time do you want to spend with your sugar daddy? And does your current lifestyle give you the freedom to do so?
While I enjoy expensive dinners and staying in fancy hotels, ultimately I was searching for a friendly relationship that provides a cash allowance. Some men don’t wish to provide an allowance, and I avoid meeting and dating those men, often called «experience daddies.»
It’s worth noting you should never become a sugar baby just for the money
If you’re considering sugar dating solely for the money, it will be much more stressful, since it’ll become a second job.
Sugar dating amplifies the faults of regular, or «vanilla,» dating. You may receive messages from, go on first dates with, and be ghosted by far more men than in vanilla dating. And it’s a bad idea to depend on sugar as a primary source of income, because there’s never really any guarantee of stability.
Additionally, financial desperation makes you vulnerable to malicious men who have no intentions to provide sugar, or it might influence you to date men you otherwise wouldn’t consider having a relationship with.
Anonymity is key for sugar babies and sugar daddies — I created an alter ego just for my online sugaring presence
It’s common practice to adopt a sugar identity separate from your real-life identity. My online profile uses a generic name, and I do not disclose my real identity — even after I meet my sugar daddy in person, in some cases.
I’m glad I do that, since every sugar daddy I’ve met has similarly guarded his identity. I suggest creating an alter ego for anyone considering trying any sort of internet fringe dating, especially sugaring.
Along the same lines, I signed up for a few anonymous messaging apps, as well as a fake number. Popular messaging apps for «moving the conversation off the website» include WhatsApp, Kik, Snapchat, WeChat, and Signal, but a phone number is often the preferred method. I suggest getting a Google Voice number attached to an anonymous email account.
There’s an art to making a sugar-baby profile — and certain precautions you have to take
Getting started with a dating profile as a sugar baby is pretty simple. I described my personality and wrote a few charming epithets that I thought might be appealing to the kind of man I’d like to spend time with.
The key thing is honesty, both in your self-descriptions and your pictures. While face-altering filters exist and can help mask your identity, apparently it’s a turnoff for men. (And I’ve had men straight-up message me, «Thank goodness you don’t have a dog-filter picture!»)
I think the most common misconception about becoming a sugar baby is that sugar daddies are looking to date only 18-year-old blond models. This is largely untrue — being traditionally attractive certainly helps, but a sugar baby can look like any woman of just about any age. I don’t get discouraged, and I try to attract only men who I think will find me attractive. Being deceptive with appearances will only hurt you later.
The secrecy of the sugaring lifestyle means I have to be careful about the pictures I use on my dating profiles. Many sugar daddies will run a reverse-image search of sugar babies’ profile pictures in an attempt to avoid scammers who are using photos from models and influencers.
To protect my identity, I make sure not to use photos that exist anywhere on my social-media accounts. I have a strict «no cross-contamination» rule when it comes to photos. Also, I make sure I know which photos are viewable to the public and which are available by request only. I’ll often check back and remove viewing privileges from certain men if the conversation didn’t lead any further.
I quickly learned some of the lingo that sugar babies and sugar daddies use
After dipping my toes in the sugaring community, I began to adopt the language used by sugar babies and sugar daddies in the online world.
Sugar babies and sugar daddies are often referred to as SBs and SDs — partly for brevity’s sake and partly because some people are weirded out by saying «baby» and «daddy.»
Some relationships are PPM, or «pay per meet» — in those arrangements, the sugar daddy gives the sugar baby a specified amount per date. In another type of relationship, sugar daddies give an «allowance» on a set schedule, like monthly or biweekly, either in cash or through a payment app like Venmo. Many relationships start out PPM, as it’s less risky for the sugar daddy than setting up an allowance right away.
And though the term’s a bit crass, sugar babies have to be wary of what the community calls a «pump and dump» — the common occurrence of a false sugar daddy not providing any allowance or PPM, getting intimate with a sugar baby, and ghosting. To avoid falling victim to one of these, you should never initiate any intimacy with a sugar daddy unless you’ve already received your sugar.
Before I meet up with any guy, I iron out the terms of our arrangement
To get what I was looking for out of a sugar relationship, I had to become comfortable bringing it up with men.
There are plenty of men on the site trying to get laid free, so I learned to not assume they’d provide any financial compensation on their own.
I would bring up the subject before the meet-and-greet. When I first began meeting men off the site, I was pretty timid about even mentioning an allowance — and regrettably realized they had no intention of sugaring me.
A lot of sugar daddies are married, which provides some challenges
Though there are no age limits for sugar babies and sugar daddies, it’s common for a sugar daddy to be significantly older than the sugar baby.
And in many cases, the sugar daddy is married.
Having an extramarital sugar baby requires some level of discretion. Being recognized in public could cause either of you personal or professional distress, not to mention it could lower your sugaring prospects.
Personally, I didn’t have a problem dating sugar daddies who were married. After all, they were the ones who contacted me — and if they are willing to go through the effort of messaging me and agreeing on an arrangement, they’d be willing to do it for someone else.
All sugar babies have to decide how much of a commitment they want with their sugar daddies
It’s important to be on the same page about how much of a time commitment you want in your sugaring relationship.
Some sugar daddies want to meet several times a week, while others prefer once a month.
I find myself liking the attention of men who enjoy hearing from me throughout the week but don’t need my attention all day, every day. I certainly can enjoy the company of an older man and don’t have qualms about being seen in public with a sugar daddy. It’s a decision every person needs to make for themselves.
There are a ton of safety concerns I have to keep in mind as a sugar baby — as well as scams that fake sugar daddies try to run
On top of setting up a Google Voice number, there are several other safety precautions I had to take as I got deeper into the sugaring lifestyle.
For one, it’s always good to let people know where you are when you’re meeting strangers from the internet. I tell all my dates that I have a friend I need to check in with on first dates, and I have never had a negative response to this. Everyone agrees — safety first.
I also was very careful when accepting Uber rides or Venmo transactions early on in a relationship. Giving away your address or your regular Venmo handle is giving away free information. In an age where our phone apps hold so much personal information, being in control of the flow of your personal information is vital.
When I first made my profile, I got an initial flood of messages from men. «How did they even find me?» I wondered. The answer is that scammers prey on new accounts. I learned to hold the excitement for a bit and I got comfortable recognizing and weeding out the scammy, copy-paste introductions.
Additionally, I quickly realized that anyone who asks you for your bank information to send you money before you’ve met is a scammer. A common scam involves them sending a check or MoneyGram in excess of your allowance and asking you to purchase a gift card with the excess. This scam works on naive sugar babies who think they’ve received a large gift, when in reality they’ve cashed in on money that their bank will eventually find is fake, while the scammer walks away with a free gift card.
Even after meeting, there are plenty of better methods to send you your allowance. No one needs your personal information to wire to your bank as if it’s the 1990s. As the eternal truth stands — cash is king.
Finger Family Song — Веселая песенка про пальчики
Эта ритмичная и легко запоминающая песенка поможет вам выучить членов семьи на английском языке.
Смотрите видео вместе с детьми и подпевайте!
В данном видео следует смотреть только первый куплет, т.к. потом идут всевозможные вариации на тему семьи, взятую за основу песни.
Моя дочка начала подпевать практически сразу же, так как текст очень прост, даже для для малышей:
Daddy finger, Daddy finger, where are you?
Here I am, here I am. How do you do?
Mummy finger, Mummy finger, where are you?
Here I am, here I am. How do you do?
Brother finger, Brother finger, where are you?
Here I am, here I am. How do you do?
Sister finger, Sister finger, where are you?
Here I am, here I am. How do you do?
Baby finger, Baby finger, where are you?
Here I am, here I am. How do you do?
Перевод:
Папа пальчик, папа пальчик, где же ты?
Вот я, вот я. Как дела?
Мама пальчик, мама пальчик, где же ты?
Вот я, вот я. Как дела?
Братик пальчик, брат пальчик, где же ты?
Вот я, вот я. Как дела?
Сестра пальчик, сестра пальчик, где же ты?
Вот я, вот я. Как дела?
Малыш пальчик, малыш пальчик, ты же где?
Вот я, вот я. Как дела?
Текст на русском языке прекрасно ложится на мелодию, поэтому можете смело учить два варианта.
Данная песня так же проста, как и песня Family Song от веселых бобров.
Для закрепления темы семьи используйте карточки «My Family» и игры с ними.