What we doing what we chasing

14 Things You Should Give Up Chasing No Matter What Others Say

Michelle is a psychology-professor-turned-rock-star who has helped thousands of people find their hidden superpowers and true calling.. Read full profile

Whenever we chase after something, we take ourselves out of the present moment where life actually happens. The future doesn’t exist yet and the past is gone. The only really meaningful place to live is in the now and that’s generally where you’ll find what you’re looking for. Others may say you should be chasing these 14 things to be happy and successful, but take a deeper look and decide for yourself. You may think differently after you read this.

1. Chasing “the Dream”

“Let the world know why you’re here, and do it with passion.”

Before you start chasing THE dream, make sure that it’s YOUR dream you’re chasing! I’ve found that most people don’t get what they want in life because they’re playing out someone else’s idea of who they should be.

Take “Anne,” for example, a small quiet woman who used to drag herself into my weekly Reinventing Yourself workshop after spending all day at a job she hated. She became a dental hygienist because her mother wanted her to be like her older sister, who became one because on career day in high school the girl sitting next to her said, “Hey, why don’t you become a dental hygienist?” A few months later her sister married a wealthy dentist and never had to work again. Anne, on the other hand, had been doing it for 30 years.

Anne never invented herself in the first place. She’s not the only one. Many of us aren’t leading authentic lives. The number one regret of people on their deathbed is that they did not live THEIR dreams. Don’t let that be you. If you find yourself leading a life full of shoulds and obligations—someone else’s dream for you—take heart. Doing something you love for just a couple of hours a week can significantly improve your life. Like steering a ship slightly to the right, over time you’ll arrive at the destination YOU desire.

2. Chasing Security

“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, security is “the state of being protected or safe from harm.” The problem with chasing security is that there is no such thing, and if you trade your soul for it, you pay a big price. I have a friend who’s buying a house with a woman he doesn’t love, who treats him badly, for “security’s sake.” Another friend is applying for work way beneath her potential to collect a steady paycheck, even though the last time she did so her job made her sick and it took her out of the job market for several months.

The truth is that fear of change and staying in our comfort zones stunts our growth. Each of us has a unique purpose in life. Most of us don’t realize it, though, because we’ve been pressured to conform to someone else’s idea of who we should be. Stretch yourself and take a risk if you want to find out what makes your heart sing.

3. Chasing Money

“Chase your passions and money will come. Chase money and you may never find your passions.”

We all need to make ends meet, but beyond that, chasing after the green stuff doesn’t make us happier.

“Rachel” took my creativity workshop after she’d made a bundle working at Apple and felt absolutely empty. A buddhist priest friend of mine told me he gets most of his donations to build orphanages in third world countries from wealthy people who feel like their lives are meaningless otherwise.

Of course we all need money to live, but chasing money for money’s sake can take you off track from your true passions and leave you feeling hollow. Simplify your life, do what you love, and the money will follow.

4. Chasing Material Things

“Stop chasing what your mind wants and you’ll get what your soul needs.”

Many of us think we’ll be happy if we live in a big house, wear brand-named clothes, drive a new car, and stuff our closets full of shoes. But that’s simply chasing things to fill the hole in your sole (forgive the pun).

Research shows that we’re happier when we spend money on positive experiences—like vacations—rather than material things. So the next time you feel like redecorating your living room or upgrading your car, think about flying to France or taking a road trip instead.

5. Chasing Work

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”

Americans put in the longest work hours and get the shortest paid vacation time in the developed world, including Japan. Those of us “lucky” enough to have jobs have added another day to our work week because we now check work emails and calls from home. It’s no wonder we try to stuff everything we can’t do at work into our off hours.

But the second regret of the dying is that they wished they didn’t work so hard. Even though it’s countercultural, research shows that taking breaks leads to greater productivity than putting in long hours. You come back refreshed and able to do more in less time when you give yourself a chance to recharge.

So instead of cramming more activities into an already too busy life to make up for lost time, try slowing down, meditating, doing yoga, taking walks, having deep talks with friends, keeping a journal, and being out in nature. It will make you happier and healthier too.

6. Chasing Outer Beauty

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. For beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

Many women and men feel pressure to look good. We hit the gym, dye our hair, and even get corrective surgery. In 2012, 14.6 million cosmetic procedures were performed in the United States. Isabella Rossellini calls it “the new foot binding.” The problem is that outer attractiveness naturally fades with time. What we should be chasing after is the beauty that resides within.

My gym workout partner is in her mid-60s and the most beautiful woman I know. She eats well and takes good care of herself but she also focuses on championing people in need and making the world a better place. She absolutely glows.

Cindy Joseph created a cosmetics line that celebrates aging rather than fighting against it. Her opinion? “When a woman feels good in her skin, when she’s happy and joyful and finds her true purpose and passions, she shines from the inside out.” That goes for men, too.

7. Chasing Youth

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

We live in a youth-obsessed society, so many of us panic when we look in the mirror and see droopy eyelids, crows-feet and gray hair staring back at us. Nothing is permanent and that’s okay. When we chase youth on the outside we often lose sight of the wisdom that comes with age. We learn from our mistakes, make better choices, and are more likely to be true to ourselves.

Rather than trying to discover the fountain of youth, channel your energy into following your heart. It’s never too late. Martin P. Levin reached his dream to go to law school at age 61, and still practices law in his 90’s. Pierre-Auguste Renoir, crippled with arthritis, continued to paint with a brush strapped to his hand. What would you do if you had the courage to find out what you’re capable of accomplishing, no matter your age? That’s where your true vitality lies.

8. Chasing Approval

“Always remember that you do not need to explain yourself or prove anything to anyone. If they cannot accept you for you – then it is time to move on.”

Chasing people’s approval is a waste of time and effort; what we should be chasing is our own approval. The third regret of the dying is that they wish they’d had the courage to express their true feelings instead of stuffing their emotions down to keep peace with others.

There’s NOTHING wrong with you. Some folks love you just the way you are; some don’t. You don’t need to change a thing. The wonderful side effect of self-acceptance is that those little things you want to improve about yourself tend to right themselves effortlessly. Self-hate keeps you stuck. Self-acceptance heals.

9. Chasing Love

“I love my husband very much. I knew it was real true love because I felt like I could be myself around that person.”

When you chase love it often attracts people who don’t value you. Otherwise why would they make you work so hard? Worse, you may wind up with a narcissist who requires constant admiration but can’t return it. It’s exhausting to constantly fight for someone’s attention. You just end up getting hurt.

True love comes knocking at your door when you stop looking for it outside of yourself and focus on accepting yourself for who you are—warts and all—instead. What can you do to be more genuine and self-accepting? Maybe you could sign up for an improv class, or take up drawing, or join a hiking group. Following your heart increases your chances of meeting like-minded people. When you reveal rather than conceal who you really are, you give true love the opportunity to find you.

10. Chasing People

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.”

If you have to work hard to keep an acquaintance or friend in your life, it’s probably best to let that person go. Not all relationships are healthy. Learn to tell the difference.

According to George Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing, beware of people who try to control you, stroke your ego to get what they want, tell lies, ignore you, make you feel guilty, put you down, play the victim, or cause you to doubt yourself. These energy vampires leave you feeling drained. If you take an honest assessment of your current friendships and family members, chances are you’ll find one or two there. Rather than chasing them to make the relationship work, distance yourself.

And bring your true friends closer. The fourth regret of the dying is that they were too busy to make time to see their friends much. A real friend is someone you can turn to for sympathy when you need it, confide in about most things, and be your true self around. You don’t need to chase them because they’re already there. Make it a priority to stay in touch.

11. Chasing The Latest Trend

“Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Consumer-based societies depend on us to buy stuff, so we’re forever lured into getting the latest gadget and wearing trendy fashions. Trouble is, if we’re always chasing the new rage, we can lose track of who we really are and what truly turns us on.

“Dan” took my creativity workshop because he was tired of being an attorney. He came to realize he really wanted to be a photographer. He took pictures at lunch and after work and eventually sold a piece at a show. Taking photos brought meaning and joy back into his life.

Be a free thinker and go for what really lights your fire. It can be listening to 60’s music, watching old Star Trek movies, writing, painting, taking photographs… If you do end up buying that new camera, just remember that it’s the experience of shooting photographs that enlivens you, not the camera itself.

12. Chasing Happiness

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.”

According to Tal Ben-Shahar PhD, author of Happier, chasing happiness by working hard today for the rewards that come tomorrow does not make people happy. Nor does engaging in momentary hedonistic pleasures without thought of the consequences. Happiness is a choice. To find it, do what brings you pleasure in the moment AND helps you reach meaningful goals in the future.

The fifth regret of people on their deathbed is that they wished they’d let themselves be happier. Instead they stayed stuck in old patterns and pretended to be content when they weren’t. Be honest with yourself and strategize a happy life by doing things you love every day that lead to a life that fits who you truly are. Count your blessings and follow your bliss.

13. Chasing What’s Possible

“Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

Many of us chase after what seems possible instead of what we’re really capable of doing because our aspirations are too limited.

“Maria” took my creativity workshop because she wanted to retire from the police and travel the world. She figured she’d write travel manuals to support herself, but was unenthusiastic about it. I got her to stick to her guns and investigate opportunities that used her true skills. She ended up getting a job with the UN training local police in Bosnia to adopt human rights procedures.

Don’t be too quick to mentally figure out how to follow your dreams. If the answer falls outside the range of what seems possible (in Maria’s case, working for the UN), the route you choose may actually hold you back from getting the best life you can have. Slow down. Every step you take provides another piece of the puzzle, until the big picture eventually snaps into focus.

14. Chasing The Path to Success

“If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success.”

John D. Rockefeller

Years ago when I was a psychology professor, I felt deeply empty despite my success. I’d published in the best journals in my field and received teaching awards, but it wasn’t the right path for ME.

The truth was, I wanted to be a rock star. “Ridiculous,” a voice that sounded a lot like my mother’s screamed inside my head. For one, it would mean I had wasted four years at Princeton getting my PhD in psychology. For another, I was too old. How could I change now, wasn’t it too late?

I kept thinking about how happy my students were whenever I gave them permission to be their true selves. Within a year I left my solid teaching position to follow my dream. My songs have been on the charts, and I’ve led creativity workshops for 19 years and helped thousands of participants realize their dreams, too. But I had to make my own path. So do you.

Following someone else’s road to success is not going to get you anywhere. What trail would you blaze if you set your soul free?

In the Wizard of Oz Dorothy had it right when she declared, “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard, because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.” Just like Dorothy always had the power to go home, you’ve always had a unique gift to share with the world. Reawaken your buried dreams, honor what makes you different, and embrace the people who have your back, and you will create a life you love.

The psychological reasons why we want what we can’t have — and why we chase someone who pulls away

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«Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have,» said Meredith Grey in the show «Grey’s Anatomy.» «Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life.»

This will sound all too familiar for people who always seem to be chasing things they can’t have. It might be a dream job, or it could be a person — either way, when something is out of reach, they want it that much more.

You might have started dating someone, and thought things were going well. You were attracted to each other, and you were under every impression things were progressing in the right direction. Then they started to pull away, and instead of letting them go, you started bombarding them with messages and calls.

You could feel them slipping further away, but you couldn’t control that burning desire to fix whatever went wrong. Predictably, the more they distance themselves, the more you chase them, until eventually they’re gone for good.

We place more perceived value on people who are busy

Erika Ettin, the founder of dating website A Little Nudge, has a theory for why we behave this way.

«The less someone responds or reciprocates to one’s advances, the more perceived value the pursuer thinks this person has,» she said. «So we try harder since this person must really be ‘worth it’ if he or she is in such high demand — in other words, this person is a scarce resource.»

If someone is busy, our minds can go into overdrive thinking they must be spending time with other people. They’re obviously popular, so something primal in our brain can make us think they are more valuable than they really are.

In fact, Ettin said that often this means we start to place more value on the other person than we do ourselves. But if someone isn’t being honest with you, she said, they simply aren’t worth your time,

«This person’s lack of response, though, should not imply a higher value,» she said. «Rather, at its simplest, it should imply a lack of proper communication. or just rudeness.»

Unfortunately, walking away is much easier said than done. When we like someone, our brain will release the hormone dopamine when they appear in our messages, or ask to see us.

We can get hooked on this happy hormone, and start chasing the high, like a drug. If we get intermittent attention from someone, it’s all the more addictive than if we got it all the time.

We are susceptible to ‘breadcrumbing’

«Our brains love the unpredictability because the highs are higher than if we got the desired reward all the time,» Ettin said. «This is why breadcrumbing has sadly entered our lexicon recently.»

Breadcrumbing is when someone texts or calls on a sporadic basis, normally because they know you will respond. They will seem to be pursuing you, but in reality have no intention of being tied down to a relationship. They just like leaving you breadcrumbs, like a trail in Hansel and Gretel, to string you along.

Thanks to the dopamine, we let people treat us this way, because the reward feels so good on the rare occasions we get it.

«With the extra dopamine, though, comes added anxiety,» she said. «‘When is he going to text?’ ‘I haven’t heard from her in three days, and I know she’s back from her weekend trip by now.’ ‘If he wants to go out this weekend, he needs to ask since it’s already Friday afternoon.’ Is that a worthwhile trade-off? I say no.»

It can be incredibly tempting to fall for the thrill of the chase, particularly because our vanity can drive us to keep pursuing someone who just isn’t interested. But if you can pull yourself away, and devote your time and energy to what you do have rather than what you don’t, you’re likely to save yourself a lot of heartache in the end.

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Sasquatch Chronicles Blog

SC EP:835 What Are We Chasing?

Dianne writes “I was with my husband on one of our backpacking trips, this one later in the season to avoid the bugs. We had hiked in from Chepeta Lake to a remote small lake that was one of our favorite spots. We always would take day hikes from our camp exploring the surrounding miles of wilderness.

It was early when we took a day hike onto the Highline trail and as we did a lot, we used a compass and went off trail towards a tiny lake. I was having foot problems so when we reached a beautiful small meadow I decided to stay and let him continue the 4 mile round trip farther with our border collie. I had a chihuahua that I carried in my daypack for company with my poncho for a blanket to sit on. It was a high overcast day with even bright light. I was happily working on a colorful beadwork project for about an hour when suddenly my dog started whimpering and trying to crawl under my leg. A wall of stench I’ve never smelled before hit me. I knew something was not right by that smell and went into high alert mode. To my right through the trees I could see a huge black mass silently approaching nearer to the woodline. At this point I had gone through in my mind every possibility of what large game it could possibly be and knew nothing smelled or behaved like this. All I can say is I knew that I was in the middle of nowhere way off trail, unarmed, all alone, and with no options. As it came closer it stopped right behind the wood line. I could see the massiveness of this creature. It had to be over 9′ tall and shoulders 4′ across. I could only see parts of it. It seemed to know it was obscured by the trees. I could see the torso area of shiny black hair. At that point I lost my nerve to keep looking and frankly if I would have seen it’s face I probably would have had a heart attack. My body went into what I’ve coined LIQUID TERROR. My insides felt like jello. I decided to pretend everything was just ok and with shaking hands I started beading again. It actually helped me calm down but IT WOULDN’T LEAVE. I thought if I ignore it it will go away. No such luck… it was at least 15 minutes (but felt like 2 hours) that it just stood there, smell and all, watching me.. During that time I felt a human sense of curiosity coming from it. I never dared to directly look over there as I could only handle that much. I would glance from the corner of my eyes once in a while to see if it left. I have been around chimps and somehow knew don’t give it eye contact.

I was fascinated though at it’s silence. I continued beading when the smell finally seemed to retreat. That was the only way I knew it was leaving. Well at least I thought it did. My husband returned several hours later and we hiked the 3 miles or so back to our camp. I did not tell him what happened. Well all hell broke loose.

We made dinner and at dusk we were circled with the sound of coyotes and wolves with the circle getting tighter as it got dark. Their sounds were odd and we kept trying to analyze the sounds but we just knew they were getting very close even though we couldn’t see anything. We had no weapons except our dumb little 3 inch knives.

We never made fires while out before but I said we are tonight! We quickly gathered a huge pile as it was darkening. My husband went for more wood and came back freaked out saying there was something crouched with huge yellow eyes that are way too big for a mountain lion. Ugh, and all we had was a stupid little cloth tent. I never saw the eyes.

Nevertheless we made a futile attempt at sleep and at first light packed our stuff and hauled ass out of there. But we were flanked by 3 or 4 bipedal “somethings’ all the way back to the main trail. Then the footsteps stopped, thank God. We never went backpacking there again. I never told my husband what I saw until I heard your show many years later.”

I Stopped Chasing Money—Here’s What Happened

Many people have incredibly noble goals. They see problems in the world and envision solutions. They dream of helping others and providing service for generations to come. Growing up a chubby, middle-class kid in Tacoma, Washington, I was not one of those people. I knew two undisputed truths about my future: One day I was going to be rich, and one day I was going to have six-pack abs. I had no idea how I was going to make either of those dreams come true, but together they were my north star.

I have since achieved those dreams, but getting there required a complete overhaul of my priorities. Oh, and a stupid amount of suffering along the way.

A Fool’s Priorities

I chased money for years. As a child of the ’80s, for me, getting rich was the American Dream. Most people I knew wanted to be rich. Few of them actually made it a priority, but it was there in the back of their minds as something that would be cool. The concept of getting rich is the real-life equivalent of the siren song that seduced sailors to crash into the rocks in Homer’s The Odyssey. It’s a glorious idea, but chasing money for the sake of money is a sure way to become emotionally bankrupt.

Getting rich is hard. There is no shortcut to success. You have to bust your ass. You have to give yourself over to something completely. You have to build something so valuable that people willingly trade their hard-earned money, and that requires blood, sweat and tears. So when that siren calls with promises of big houses, fast cars and yachts, remember the rocks are years of your life overworking for something you might never achieve. At some point, as you’re slogging away in the name of money, you will ask yourself, Is this all worth it? The answer will be no. Because the money isn’t guaranteed, but the pain of trying to get it is.

If countless people have crashed into the rocks of unguaranteed success, why don’t more people follow Odysseus’s example and strap themselves to the mast so they don’t succumb to money’s siren call? The answer is simple: Money is actually that powerful.

Money is awesome. Generating wealth is life-changing, in ways big and small. It’s crazy. It’s even better than you think it is. But it’s not at all what you’ve been told. And sadly, like so many before me, I had to learn that the hard way.

The Wrong Game

I’ve lived the cliché that “money can’t buy happiness.” Eight-and-a-half years into my entrepreneurial grind, I was the co-owner of a technology company and a C-level executive. I was making more money than I’d ever made in my life, and I was completely miserable. As Tony Robbins says, “Success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.” That’s exactly how I felt.

I was playing the wrong game. The game I thought I should play was getting rich. In reality, the only game that matters is brain chemistry. The comedian Jim Carrey once said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

With Carrey and Robbins ringing in my mind, I began to think: I want to feel good today. I don’t want to keep living for some far-off day that might never come—where I’m rich and finally feel good about myself.

And that’s what people don’t understand about money or even success: You can have all of it and still hate your life.

The True Oldest Profession

People have chased money from time immemorial. And like many things in life, people chase it without fully understanding what’s driving them. I wanted to be rich because when I looked at people with money, I was filled with admiration and envy. I assumed their lives were amazing because I made the mistake of conflating money with happiness or, perhaps even more delusional, with fulfillment.

Money is a great facilitator. It makes things happen. It can build schools, buy better health care, fund startups and pay for vacations. It can buy better houses, better cars and send rocket ships to space. That’s precisely why it will forever remain a universal obsession. It really can do those things and much more.

Despite how powerful money is, though, it can’t change the way you feel about yourself. That’s where most people go wrong. They want to be powerful. They want to be cool. They want to be admired, and most importantly, they want to admire themselves. But money can’t do anything to change the way you feel about yourself. Your insecurities will survive becoming wealthy. If you’re not proud of who you are, money won’t change that. If you don’t believe in yourself, money will fail you there, too.

No matter how hard you work, the money is not guaranteed. You could launch a dozen businesses and fail at them all. When I realized that, I decided to leave it all behind. I went to my partners, returned their equity and walked away. My plan was to cut my expenses as low as humanly possible, move to Greece with my wife, finish learning the language and write—one of the things that have always made me feel most alive.

Driving home after I quit, I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been miserable for so long—years, in fact—that I had forgotten what it felt like to be excited about the future. But I never made it to Greece. I didn’t even make it all the way home before a phone call would change my life.

Doing It the Right Way

The phone call was from my business partners. They wanted me to go out to dinner with them. They told me, “We could do this without you, but we don’t want to.” Those words changed me, connected me to something other than the pursuit of money; it connected me to the brotherhood.

I realized the brotherhood was more important to me than the business. I realized that I had been subverting my true belief system in the service of chasing money for a long time, and that was the real source of my anguish. And it was in fact anguish. So I laid everything out on the table for them. If we were to continue working together, we needed a new set of priorities. We had to find a way to build something from passion. It had to be something that we would love doing every day, even if we were failing. We ultimately decided to sell the technology company and build something new.

New Priorities

Even as chasing money had begun to erode me, it was still abundantly clear that learning to think and act like an entrepreneur was the most profound transformation of my life. I had shifted from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. If you’ve seen the movie The Matrix, you know what I mean when I say I took the red pill. I woke up to the way the world really is. I no longer believed that my talents and intelligence were fixed traits and realized that my brain was capable of massive adaptation. I realized that humans are the greatest adaptation machines the world has ever seen. And as such, I could succeed at anything I set my mind to. I let go of false beliefs that had held me back. I stopped believing I wasn’t good enough and realized that I simply wasn’t good enough yet.

Being aggressively myself allows me to have the kind of success I dreamed about as a kid. My priorities are camaraderie, adding value to people’s lives, solving big problems, having fun, following my bliss, autonomy, gaining mastery and only then making money. Now that I know what I care about, what makes me feel alive, and how I can monetize being of service to others, I’ve never had more fun or felt a deeper sense of fulfillment. Some days are still big baskets of suck, but it’s easy to fight through those days because I know what I’m fighting for.

As Viktor Frankl, the legendary neurologist and concentration camp survivor made very clear in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, when you know the purpose of your suffering, you can endure virtually anything. Once I learned money makes a terrible why, I swapped that out with gaining useful skills, and put those to the test in service of something larger than myself. Only then did I find I could work unbelievably hard, harder than I’ve ever worked, and absolutely love and enjoy my life.

Know Thyself

There’s no single path to heaven. My story is but one of many stories of people who have found the thing that works for them. I don’t think the specifics of my story are important, but the one thing I hope you take away from my trials and tribulations is that you can make the demand that you not only succeed at the highest level but that you enjoy the process of what you’re building. There doesn’t need to be a conflict between who you are at your most honest and vulnerable, and building a big business. We’re living in a time when the kingmaker traits are authenticity and transparency. Identify what makes you come alive. Figure out how you can deliver an obscene amount of value to people. Remember that fun is a critical part of the equation, and always push yourself to improve. Do that and the money will follow. If you want six-pack abs though, you still have to suffer. But that’s a whole other article.