You tell the kinds of jokes that would make your mom blush

16 Compliments You Can Say To Someone That’ll Make Them Blush

1. You should learn how to wink

“I love talking with you” would make me lose my mind. Best thing I can think of. I’d be walking on air for daaays.

If I am dressed formally, ‘stunning’ would be amazing.

If I am dressed casually, “you look really nice today” would be enough.

People tell me often enough that I’m smart and have pretty hair, but I didn’t work for those. To me, those things are everyday. Try to compliment your lady on something that she obviously put effort into. Ex: her outfit, an intricate hairstyle, a piece of artwork.

Also, a wink from someone I’m already interested in puts a violently happy pep in my step. Disclaimer: only do this if you know how to wink.

2. That’s an unexpected compliment

Had a professor yesterday ask me how old I was. I replied 21. He looked surprised and said, “You carry yourself with much more maturity than that.”

This was a prof I was uber-intimidated by, who is rumored to be an elitist misogynistic asshole. I was dreading going to his office hours. It didn’t exactly make me blush but I felt great for the rest of the day

3. Really?

First: be a very attractive guy, then say anything to me.

4. Works like, 14% of the time

“Ay yo bitch, dat pussy open 4 biz 2nite?”

5. So slick

From a stranger, best compliment was about how she enjoys seeing me when I’m at work: “You are always so happy and kind to people, it’s like a big breath of fresh air when I walk into the building and see you here!”

From my fiance: On our one-year anniversary, he was opening a bottle of wine he’d been saving for over 5 years for a ‘special occasion.’ He looked at me and said, “I don’t know why I’ve been saving it – I’ve had a reason to celebrate for 365 days now.”

6. But you’d have to follow up with that

“You are absolutely, astoundingly gorgeous and that’s the least interesting thing about you.” If a guy ever said something like this to me… it would be soooo on.

7. I told you, it’s the winking

In my experience, the most efficient compliment that always works is poking her in the thigh with my boner and winking.

8. You too can make someone’s day

I had a random guy in Memphis once stop me in the street to tell me I was the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen. I blushed and mumbled ‘thanks’ and stammered like a dipshit, and he just smiled at me and kept on walking.

I was a little dressed up, but nothing spectacular, and sure hadn’t been fishing for compliments. But that really made my day, the more so because he didn’t follow it up by asking for my number or anything. Just that. Awesome. Thanks, random dude.

9. Note this

Smart girls want to be called pretty and pretty girls want to be called smart.

10. What about “beautiful”

I don’t think there is anything nicer than being called “gorgeous.” It just warms my heart, and it’s so much more kind than “you’re hot,” or even “pretty” for that matter.

11. Discreetly checking you out

Honest and unique compliments. As a girl, you get a lot of generic ones, such as, “You have really pretty eyes” etc. It’s nice to hear, but if you go to enough bars, you hear it a lot.

The first night I met my ex, we were casually talking outside a bar and he interrupted me to say, “You have a freckle on your neck. Did you know that? It’s rather cute.” I blushed right away. It was so unexpected and unique, yet showed he had been discreetly checking me out. I found it incredibly endearing.

12. This is touching

My mom passed away when I was 9, so it’s the biggest compliment someone could give me.

13. Find out what they value

Don’t tell me I’m smart. I am smart, and most days I know it. On the other days, you’re poking at my already-inflamed insecurities. Plus, I’m really not sure whether you’re in a position to judge.

Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I mean, I’ll probably like it. I’ll probably like any compliment. But whether I’m beautiful or not, my beauty is not the core of my identity. It’d be like telling someone they’re “punctual.” Sure, it’s positive, but… is that really the best trait you could think of?

If you really want a blush, compliment what I do and what I make. Tell me that it was kind and thoughtful to bring that little gift to a friend. Thank me for the thousand little things I do to keep our home a good place to live. Look at my art, read my stories, listen as I describe my code design. Tell me the portrait captures their personality. Tell me the story builds a fascinating world, that it’s beautifully written, that it taught you something (and be prepared for a long discussion). Tell me that the way I built my code was clever, especially if you can say most people don’t catch on to those tricks.

This example won’t work on everyone. More generally, figure out what she values about herself. Figure out what she thinks is important. Compliment that.

14. Will this work?

Your beauty is only trumped by your intelligence.

15. Compliments at the right time

Last week I was with my boyfriend, his family and our friends in his living room. I made a comment about how I couldn’t wait to get my makeup bag back after leaving it at a friends house for a week. He says, “You haven’t worn makeup all week? Damn, you are gorgeous!” I turned the brightest of red. I feel like the best compliments are simple but just said at the right times.

16. This will make someone’s day

To this day the best compliment I’ve ever been given was: “Damn, that confidence looks sexy on you.” Totally made my day, and I still think about it and it makes me smile.

Read our bestselling ebook The Truth About Everything here.

What is English humor

Tell me when to laugh: English and American humor

Is humor a generally understood phenomenon, or is it narrowly national? Will our jokes be available to the British or the Americans? Will we appreciate their jokes? I remembered a case from the TV series «Friends», when the main merry fellow Chandler tries to propose, in his opinion, a hilarious toast at the wedding of Ross and Emily, where most of the guests are English. He didn’t do very well

And if they, the speakers of the same language, do not understand each other, then how do we understand their jokes? Let’s take a look at the intricacies of English and American humor. We will find the originality, differences and similarities, consider specific examples of jokes and anecdotes.

The same English humor

England is a land of humor. Gaining popularity in Russia, stand up (solo performance in front of a live audience) first appeared in the UK. The funniest thing in the history of the sketch show is also an English product (of course, I mean Monty Python’s Flying Circus). And humor in this country can be called a national trait.

To understand the peculiarities of English humor, you probably need to live there. While this is not possible, let us be content with canned examples preserved in literature, films, songs and in the experience of foreigners who moved to England and now complain in their blogs: “Moved 5 years ago, but still can’t catch up”. Let’s start!

The smile of an Englishman (part 7 of the film «England in general and in particular»)

Self-irony: you can’t take yourself seriously

The English always laugh at themselves. Both over their personal qualities (features of appearance / character / manner of speaking, etc.), and over national ones (excessive politeness, isolation, etc.). In general, it is believed that a person who can laugh at himself is psychologically absolutely healthy. We conclude: the British are a spiritually strong nation.

For example

I got nasty habits, I take tea at three. (Mick Jagger)
I am very ill-mannered: I drink tea at three.

Sarcasm and irony towards the interlocutor

If they allow you to laugh at themselves, then the interlocutor will be in trouble. And not only to him. Everything becomes the object of irony: the weather, political events, the barking of a neighbor’s dog. In other words, the British find humor in everything.

Secrets of English humor: how to know where to laugh

Friends, how do you feel about humor? And what about English? A sense of humor is generally quite a relative thing, but here it is also in another language: it is not always clear why you need to laugh, and why this incomprehensible story was called a joke.

Our expert in English, Olga Wasserberg, decided to sort out this difficult topic.

There are many different opinions about English humor. Have you ever noticed that we do not speak «Russian» or «French» humor, but we singled out «English humor» as a separate concept. Why do you think?

English jokes can be confusing

In my opinion, there are several reasons for this.

First of all, these are the wonderful characters of people that we can observe in these humorous dialogues or sketches: well-mannered, a little prim, imperturbable and always emphatically polite.

In addition, language as such plays an important role in jokes that we cannot always understand. And everything will be important here:

That is why it is not always funny when we translate a joke into Russian, since we do not catch these subtleties, and in Russian it all sounds completely different. It takes a long and painstaking work to find such words or images so that we can convey both the meaning of the joke and preserve its humor.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes, while watching an American or English comedy series with a Russian translation, you hear laughter behind the scenes, but you absolutely don’t understand what’s funny?

Once my dad joked that they were laughing to tell us where it was funny. But in fact, in the original language it is really funny, but when translating it is not always possible to convey all the humor and the sparklingness of the language that makes jokes in English really funny.

The secret of English humor

But I have good news for you: you and I can also learn to understand what the point is and not deprive ourselves of the pleasure of laughing not only at jokes in our native language, but also at the «English humor» that has earned a reputation for being unfunny.

Let’s take a few examples to see how English jokes work, and how they become funny, so that next time you yourself can figure out why you need to laugh!

About English humor

All over the world there has long been an opinion that the British can be recognized by three qualities: arrogance, stiffness and a sense of humor. Moreover, it is the last aspect that causes a lot of bewilderment among people who do not speak English sufficiently. Karl Czapek, a Czech writer, had the courage to compare the British to an old leather chair because of its serious solidity and respectability.

Why is English humor considered flat?

The reason for such a cruel joke turned out to be an elementary misunderstanding of the language, the inability to translate information into Russian in a high-quality and literal manner and incorrect pronunciation of words and expressions. Most English jokes are based on puns, which is why it is almost impossible to see anything funny in the written text or in the voice of the translator.

Understanding of humor is considered aerobatics in language learning, which is why special attention is paid to high-quality pronunciation when teaching students in English courses for beginners.

A typical English anecdote has another significant difference, it perfectly combines unsurpassed surprise in detail and imperturbable restraint during global cataclysms.

Incredibly, the sluggish equanimity of the British has long been considered «the talk of the town,» so the British themselves are happy to joke about their shortcomings.

Isn’t the ability to laugh at your own distinctiveness considered one of the greatest virtues? The British are very fond of joking about their weather, gently and affectionately ridicule the eternal smog and fog. At the same time, their ability to laugh at sacred and inviolable things without malice and sarcasm is considered the highest aerobatics.

The oddities of English humor

British jokes also have their own varieties. For example, very stupid jokes in this country are called elephant jokes, and too dry jokes are called nothing more than «humor with a banana peel.»

It is quite possible to understand subtle English humor if you do not just study modern English online, but pay special attention to the culture of the British, their way of life and habits.

Even without jokes, all of Europe considers them to be very strange people: at a time when all progressive humanity rejoices on Sunday and puts on their best clothes, only the British allow themselves not to shave and walk in some bizarre rags.

It is not customary to take offense at jokes in England. Here you can joke not only over mere mortals, but also over members of the royal family. From an early age, the English school for children teaches the younger generation not only the correct pronunciation and spelling of words, but also the ability to laugh at themselves.

The British are very scrupulous about this quality in a person and are unlikely to have a business relationship with a partner who is unable to play a trick on their shortcomings.

A good English joke in the end

English courses:

All shades of English humor

We decided not to write any more articles. Joke. Have you been led? We are just preparing you for April 1! Today we will learn how to joke in English.

Victor Hugo wrote that laughter is the sun driving winter away from a human face. While the spring sun drives winter from the streets, we will try to make you laugh or at least smile. In the article, we will consider phrases and expressions about humor and fun, several examples of English jokes, and also see if they are difficult to understand.

Fun or funny?

Fun and funny are often confused. We decided once and for all to clarify how and when to use them.

We use the adjective funny when we talk about someone or something that made us laugh.

Joking in English: A Brief Dictionary of Expressions

If the joke is successful, we say:

This type of humor is also called «unflappable». And all because with such a presentation of a joke, a person does not show emotions and does not change his facial expression, saying something funny.

It also happens that the joke is completely sad, perhaps even inappropriate. Then the following phrases will do:

For example, when someone slipped on a banana peel and everyone is funny.

Laughing manner

Everyone has their own manner of joking and laughing, as well as handwriting. Someone always laughs loudly and contagiously, while others mostly smile.

More about British humor

The British pride themselves on their sense of humor. The ability to ironic is one of the few qualities that they boast of without a twinge of conscience.

British humor, which is often called English, is so specific, interesting and ubiquitous that it is singled out as a separate phenomenon not only in British, but also in world culture. French humor, German humor, Spanish humor are just phrases, and British humor is a phenomenon. Like the Russian soul, which seems mysterious and contradictory to foreigners, so British humor is perceived by other nations as an unusual and at the same time integral and vivid phenomenon.

British humor is characterized by sophistication, restrained presentation, appropriateness in any situation, self-irony, understatement, linguistic jokes.

Subtle British humor

The British joke with an imperturbable air, betraying nothing but words. In other cultures, it is not customary to joke «with a stone face», so foreigners often have difficulties with such humor. Those who do not know English well and the English have a penchant for jokes will not notice humor at all. And those who are able to notice sarcasm and understand the meaning of a joke are confused by the seeming indifference and even heartlessness of the interlocutor.

One of the varieties of British humor is understatement. This is a very difficult, almost invisible for foreigners, but important for the British kind of irony, which is used everywhere. It is because of this tendency to understatement that foreigners, even with excellent knowledge of the language, without noticing the joke, often consider the British cold, insensitive and dry.

If an Englishman speaks of his illness as «a little trouble», calls life tragedy «not quite what I expected», and describes something incredibly beautiful as «pretty cute», do not take it seriously.

If an Englishman uses the words a bit, rather, quite, it often means the exact opposite. This is a very popular joke in the UK. Not all foreigners understand such a sophisticated and hidden humor.

And even among those who understand, few can use it as naturally and to the point as the British.

Language jokes

The British love language jokes, puns, ambiguities. English is perfect for this kind of humor: short words, a large number of homophones, direct word order, the same structure of different parts of speech often give rise to ambiguous meanings, which are played up in British jokes.

To understand this kind of humor, you need to be fluent in English. Most British jokes cannot be literally translated into another language, while retaining humor. In English, these jokes are called puns or wordplays.

— Good heavens! What’s this?

— I don’t care what it’s been. I want to know what it is now!

What’s the longest word in the English language? «Smiles». Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

What do Microsoft and Burger King have in common? They both hate big Macs.

Why is “dark” spelled with ak and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

How to understand English humor?

Wait, are you joking?

Are you ready to find out about the British what lies behind their indestructible composure and excessive secrecy? Then check out this short guide to British humor, and rather jump into an English-speaking culture that is strikingly different from ours.

Laugh at yourself

Residents of foggy Albion easily talk about their failures, demonstrating their modesty, lack of arrogance and desire to meet. Are you ready to learn to laugh at yourself as naturally as they do? Then stock up on a couple of examples and feel free to enter into a dialogue with the British, delighting them with caustic jokes addressed to you!

By the way, to hone English self-deprecation humor, and at the same time to practice listening to live speech, we recommend watching a video featuring comedians such as Jon Richardson, Richard Ayoade, Jack Whitehall and Sarra Millican.

Add a dash of sarcasm

«Wait, were they kidding?» These are the thoughts that arise in those who encounter British humor for the first time. The combination of self-irony with sarcasm confuses foreigners and makes them wonder if this was really a joke (or was it not?).

It is not easy to understand the sarcastic jokes of the British the first time, for the simple reason that they almost completely lack the hyperboles and active use of adjectives that are familiar to us. Fortunately, sarcasm sounds from their lips so often that you quickly get used to the peculiarities of such humor and even consider it quite natural and necessary.

Get inspired by examples of sarcastic jokes, and don’t forget to experiment with tone of voice and non-verbal cues (such as facial expressions) to look as serious and unruffled as possible.

Comedians to help you understand the intricacies of British sarcasm even better: Jack Dee, David Mitchell and Stewart Lee.

Don’t take it lightly

The British are famous for their politeness, but one of the clearest signs that they like you are witty comments about your personality. Just do not take it personally, because this is not an attempt to offend you at all, but only playful verbal sparring with a smile on your face and the absence of subsequent apologies.

Pay attention to the fact that in British humor situationality is important. After all, the witty will not be appropriate in all life circumstances (however, they also know how to ridicule inviolable subjects). And here are some jokes that would surely hurt your vanity if you did not know about the British passion for caustic expressions.

Comedians who can handle witty humor in all situations: Ricky Gervais, Lee Nelson, Simon Amstell.

Despite the fact that Great Britain is perceived as a state where serious and reserved people live, humor is present in their lives every day. Moreover, not only in communication with family and friends, but also random strangers. Should you learn from them? Of course, because humor is the only way to turn even the most ridiculous situation into an unconstrained action.

Features of humor in English, or what the British laugh at

Subtle British humor has long become the country’s hallmark. However, witty English jokes are not always clear to everyone. What is their subtlety? How to understand them and how should you react to them? Look for answers to all these questions in our article.

The nature and subtleties of English jokes

Not everyone can take British humor with ease. After all, an English joke is based on minor details and unusual situations. At the same time, the witticisms are pronounced with absolute equanimity and without a smile. This kind of humor is shown on the screen. Laughter is heard off-screen, and the joker does not blink an eye.

Subtle British humor is also called for its techniques. English jokes are often based on the ambiguity of phrases and words, puns, euphemisms, and comparisons. For example, in response to the question about the arrival time of the train «How long will the next train be?» (“When will the next train be?”), You will hear a joke: “Six carriages” (“Six carriages”, meaning the length of the train). The thing is that the word long is translated not only as “long”, but also as “long”.

British jokes are divided into several types:

A place of irony and sarcasm

Sarcasm and irony are kind of the foundation of English humor. British conversations are more like a verbal duel. The interlocutors constantly exchange witty phrases, jokes, witticisms and hints. Moreover, everything is usually said in a serious voice, with an imperturbable expression on his face and even without a smile.

This behavior makes foreigners wonder if this is a joke. So in England, jokes like: «Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.» (“Mirrors can’t talk, luckily for you, laugh too.”) Or “If I had a pound for every smart thing you say, I’ll be poor.

«(» If I got a pound for every smart thing you say, I would be poor. «).

However, sarcasm is directed not only at the interlocutor, but also at the speaker himself. The British are prone to self-irony. They calmly joke about their appearance, physique, age, character, skills and other features.

An Englishman will easily say to himself something like: «Well, at least my mum thinks I’m pretty» («Well, at least my mom thinks I’m cute.») Or «I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I’m entirely sane.

«(» I’m not crazy! Voices tell me that I’m completely normal. «).

The essence of British irony is a game of opposites. The Englishman says the opposite of what he thinks is right.

For example, “Oooh, you could win an award for cleanliness” or “Pff, excellent! This day couldn’t start off any better! » («Pf, great! This day couldn’t have started any better!» Referring to the unfortunate morning incident).

It is not so difficult to catch a joke in speech. Yes, the smile does not slip and the expression on the face of the interlocutor does not change. But intonation, timbre of voice, facial expressions, gestures are what betrays irony. These features are hard not to notice.

Objects of irony

The British make fun of not only themselves and their interlocutor. Anything can become the object of irony: the weather, politics, relatives, people around, animals, etc. There are no taboos and taboo topics in subtle British humor. You can even laugh at the government.

One of the features of humor in the English language is its extreme closeness to cynicism. So, popular topics for jokes are:

How to respond to subtle English jokes?

Knowledge of English and a number of simple tips will help you build a good relationship with your interlocutor:

By the way, here are some favorite typical English jokes from foreign ILA teachers. Try to grasp their meaning and understand the legendary English humor:

Features of English humor

English humor known all over the world, legends are made about him. It is worth noting that the British know how to laugh well not only at others, but also at themselves. English humor is subtle, witty and sarcastic. In most cases, an English joke is impromptu.

I don’t trust someone who doesn’t laugh.

The very nature of British jokes is based on the synthesis of the equanimity of the narrative and the emphasis on small insignificant details against the background of the general absurdity of the situation. It is these features that have gained fame for English humor, which is practically not called anything other than subtle.

The British have a sense of humor

Mr. Bean is one of the brightest representatives of the creators of British humor.

British sense of humor Is the ability to laugh at yourself and others. It does not serve to criticize a person, but to observe strange habits and manners that can be amusingly beaten.

It is quite rare that non-British people understand this kind of humor the first time. It is rather dry, sarcastic, gloomy and even creepy in places. As a rule, jokes are not very emotional, therefore, the essence is hidden deeply.

However, British humor has helped the rest of the world to better understand and get to know the British, and has also become the most recognizable element of British culture.

By the way, if you want to learn more about British culture and lifestyle, don’t miss our article “British Lifestyle: Dispelling Classic Stereotypes”.

Let’s take a closer look at what this subtle British humor is.

Self-irony is the basis of English humor

«I am very ill-mannered: I drink tea at three»

The British know no barriers to humor. They are able to laugh at everything that can only bring a smile. Politics, government, relatives, weather and of course the royal family are some of the most common themes in English jokes.

A hallmark of humor the inhabitants of foggy Albion is self-irony. The British always laugh at themselves: at their personal qualities, appearance, character, and at national characteristics such as excessive slowness, politeness, equanimity or isolation.

The British are sure that a person who can laugh at himself is psychologically absolutely healthy. And how to better understand the British, read the article «National characteristics of the character of the English people»

The nuances of English humor

A characteristic feature of British humor is that the British joke about absolutely everything. No topic is taboo for them. Often British jokes are a kind of play on words that can have multiple meanings.

Black humor of the British

The birth of black humor dates back to the 13th century, when Edward I subdued Wales to the English crown. In 1284, he gave the Welsh an oath promise that no English-speaking man would stand over them. The joker king put his newborn son, who of course did not even know how to speak, at the head of the new province.

To understand the specifics of jokes and humor in general, you need to know well British culture, history and language. So, for example, not knowing the English speech patterns, it will be difficult to understand a joke based on a play on words:

If it is not clear where to laugh, then you need to pay attention to complex words consisting of two bases:

-Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
-Regular rocks are too heavy.

-Why do people wear shamrocks on their clothes on St. Patrick’s Day?
-Because ordinary stones are very heavy.

How to respond to subtle British humor

A well-known English proverb says that everyone has a fool in his sleeve. And the British fully justify this statement.

The usual friendly conversation in England is a half-serious swoop and an exchange of witty remarks, with each picking up the other’s thought and continuing the joke. To take part in such a conversation on an equal footing, you probably need to be born an Englishman.

Most popular TV shows in Britain

In the article «Top 10 TV Shows for Learning English» you could get acquainted with popular TV shows in the UK and USA.

How are TV shows different from TV shows? Right! The main purpose of a TV show is to make you laugh and relax.

Blush Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. «Business trip or pleasure?»

She turned, smiled and said. «Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.»

Why did the DNA chain blush?

Why was the tomato blushing?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make an archaeologist blush?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, «I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?» No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…

Finally, one man says, «Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.»

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, «Okay.»

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

but couldn’t seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,»What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?»

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

That’s disgusting.

The teacher asks, «Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?»

Flora blushes and says, «That’s disgusting, I won’t even answer that question.»

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.

The first nun said with a blush, «This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?»

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, «Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?»

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, «Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?»

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he’s awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prince went to a foreign kingdom to marry one of the king’s daughters.

He pulled his pants down and asked: What is this called?

The oldest daughter said: That’s a dick.

The prince said he didn’t want to marry her. Then he went to the middle daughter and asked the same question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

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The preacher’s sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, «Listen up, everybody! This week’s sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up.» The congregation stood.

Holy duck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, «I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.» A bit shocked, he asked, «Oh yeah? Who was the guy?» She blushed, «Tiger Woods, the golfer.»

«Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.»

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

«What are you doing?» asks the wife.

«I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.»

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach.

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

«Sir,» she said, «Would you do me a favor? I’m very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?»

«Certainly,» he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

My friend doesn’t know why his mom blushes when I call her «Margarine»

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding Promise

Harley Driver

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, «Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you». The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

«Well, what is it» he asks?

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George’s garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted’s garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, «How do I make my tomatoes ripen?»

A young Chinese couple got married.

In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: «I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do.»

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: «Why don’t you tell me what you might like to do?»

Why did the kitchen blush?

Why did the weatherman blush?

Blushing

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who’s bra is this

NOTE: It’s a dad joke but I didn’t know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: «What is this man’s ailment, sergeant-major?».

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she’s perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she’s ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

«Oh, sorry,» the cashier replies. «That one’s not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday.»

A guy walks into a small family drug store.

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

Why did the camera blush?

Why did the fish blush?

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

Why did the tomato blush? (I need other food grocery themed jokes too please!)

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Why did the lighter blush?

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

Big Feet

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

Little Johnny is in class one day.

The Teacher says «Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?»

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says «NONE. After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!»

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: «Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?»

Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car?

Cab driver and a Nun.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night

and finds her husband missing from the bed. Worried, she searches for him and finds him sitting in a chair downstairs staring at the wall, deep in thought.
While she is watching, he wipes away a tear. Worried she asks him

«Honey, are you ok?»

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, «Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!» The beech retorts, «No way! That’s gotta be a son of a birch!»

So, they start arguing back and forth. «Son of a beech!» «Son of a birch!»

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what’s wrong and what are they are fighting about.

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained «I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday.»

«But today is Tuesday?» I asked.

He blushed. «Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!»

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

Why did Dr.Pepper blush?

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush.

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Three Woman go to Heaven

I was going to work this morning and sat across from a really hot Thai girl on the train. I kept blushing and sweating and thinking «Please don’t get a hard-on».

Why did the octopus blush?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freudian Slip

My 4 year old nieces jokes:

Why did the lobster flush?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What did the little flower say to the big flower?
Hi ya bud.

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

The once was a poor Irish farming family.

Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that’s what kept them going.

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

Well, Since You Ask

A politician was visited a nursing home while campaigning. He met an old lady in the lounge area and found that she was 105 years old. “Well that’s remarkable!” he said to her. “You look beautiful and so healthy. Have you ever been bedridden?”

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo.

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar.

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, «Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.»

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this.» With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beach (nsfw)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends «bitches and bastards». When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what «bitches and bastards are». His dad blushes, and says, «Well, they’re just ladies and gentlemen».

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen.

She askes the man wattering his garden

«Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?»

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says

«baby. if you were in India they would worship you»

His wife responds while blushing «does that mean I’m a goddess»

He smiles and says «no you’re a cow»

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol.

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Friends

A man can’t decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.

He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.

High End Restaurant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, «Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?»

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Morning Jokes

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

«Mommy,» he says, «why do you have hair between your legs?»

Embarrassed, the mother responds, «Oh, this isn’t hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower.» She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A man left for work one Friday morning.

This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

«Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender.» says Putin’s secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: «Great, give me my phone, I’ll call Zelinsky.»

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, «It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.»

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn’t recognize

«Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What’s your name?»

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
«What do you think of the stock market situation?»

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him «Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!»

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How most men wake up in the morning.

The body: «Don’t give up!»

The dick: «THIS. IS. SPARTA. «

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen.

. she immediately went back to cooking. we didn’t usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, «so. what was that all about?»

She said, «I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke.»

Luke’s ENGLISH Podcast

Learn British English with Luke Thompson

264. Telling Jokes in English (Part 1)

This episode is all about telling jokes, not as a comedian on stage, just in your normal life. Telling jokes is something that everybody does, in countries and cultures all around the world. We all love to make jokes, hear jokes and have a bit of a laugh. For me, jokes are fun and fascinating but I know that for non-native speakers of English they are also notoriously difficult things to manage. If English isn’t your first language, it can be difficult to understand jokes, find them funny, and also to be able to tell them effectively.
https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/teacherluke/264-telling-jokes-in-english-part-1.mp3
[DOWNLOAD] [PART 2] [PART 3]
Contents of this Episode
So, in this episode I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about jokes in English, and that includes these things:
What is a joke? (as if you didn’t know)
When/why do we tell jokes?
How do we tell jokes? What are the golden rules for telling a joke properly?
What’s the normal way to respond to a joke?
What are some the typical joke structures? (so you know how to identify a joke)
What are some jokes that you can remember and share with your friends?

So this is not just going to be a guide to jokes and the way they are told, you’re also going to hear lots of jokes too – I’m going to read out loads of jokes, and explain them to you. So that means that you’re also going to learn a lot of vocabulary during the episode – because often jokes are based on the specific meanings or double meanings of words.

Most of what I’m saying to you here is written on the page for this episode – that’s right, there’s a transcript for most of this, so if you want to read what I’m saying – you can. Just find the page for this episode at teacherluke.co.uk.

Not all of it is scripted because I expect I will go off script and say some spontaneous stuff too, but most of it is. That’s nice isn’t it? Yes it is. Mmm, very nice. I went to quite a lot of effort to prepare this episode in advance and I hope that’s obvious. It should be full of genuine insights. If you find it useful, you could consider making a donation by just clicking one of the yellow ‘donate’ buttons on teacherluke.co.uk. That is entirely optional and completely up to you of course! No pressure!

I expect this will be more than just one episode because it’s quite a big subject, and it’s a subject which is close to my heart so, naturally I have loads of things to say about this!

It might be the case that I do this first episode as an introduction to the subject of jokes, and then in subsequent episodes I’ll go through my list of jokes, and then explain them. That’s right, I’ve prepared a list of jokes. It’s quite a random list and hasn’t been fully tested for quality. It’s just a selection of jokes which I’ve managed to write down, or poach from other lists on the internet. I’ll tell you all those jokes either in this episode, or in separate episodes, depending on how long this all takes.

So this could be another series of episodes of the podcast. There’s so much to talk about and to share.

I’d also like to do an episode about telling jokes on stage and how to do stand up comedy, because stand-up is also a fascinating topic and one that more and more people are getting interested in. Telling jokes on stage is quite a different topic, so that’s another episode for another time.

I love jokes
I really do. I love hearing them and I love telling them. I love the way jokes exploit double meanings in language. Often a joke is based on a word that means two things at the same time, or two phrases that sound exactly the same. Or a joke might be a little story with a surprise which is revealed at the end. So jokes allow us to have fun with the little holes and coincidences that exist in languages. They’re like little language glitches – moments when your brain has to deal with a sudden change in meaning or something that has two meanings at the same time.
I love the surreal world of jokes – the way the normal rules can be broken – rules of language, but also the rules of physics, and behaviour too. Jokes often bend the rules of reality in order to make the punchline work. They lead you in one direction, and then suddenly surprise you with something completely different, and the only link is that the words sound the same.

What am I talking about? Here’s an example of a joke in which the punchline has two meanings.
A hole has been found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
To get this joke you need to know that the phrase ‘to look into something’ can mean “to investigate” and also to literally “look inside”. So, someone found a hole in the wall of a nudist camp. A nudist camp is a place where people can enjoy spending time with no clothes on, in the nude. Someone found a hole in the wall and the police are investigating it, but they’re also just looking into the hole.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again – explaining a joke kills the magic.

“Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.”

So, explaining a joke may allow you to understand it, but the joke dies in the process – you probably won’t laugh after it’s been explained. Jokes work best when they are instantly understood. It has to be instant. This is why jokes are often lost on non-native speakers, which is a pity.

However, here at Luke’s English Podcast I have a mission – and that is to try and make you laugh while you learn, and if I can’t make you laugh I’ll certainly aim to teach you something. So even if you don’t find all of the jokes I’m going to tell you (later) funny, then that doesn’t matter, because in the end you’ll learn some double meanings and you’ll be more ready to laugh in the future, because I’m going to explain lots of jokes for you. I expect that many frogs will die during the recording of these episodes…

What was I saying? That’s it – I love jokes!

Jokes can be stupid, brilliant, pointless, dangerous, harmless, disappointing, unexpected, light-hearted, dark, bizarre, rude, intellectual or even illegal.
Jokes can be just a bit of fun, or they can be used to make serious and critical points. They can be very complex things when you examine them but ultimately, jokes are about fun and laughter – and what is wrong with that?

There are all sorts of social rules that surround the telling of jokes.
They’re little bits of language, wrapped up in culture, presented via small social rituals.
Jokes, and humour in general, are often the most difficult aspect of a language to appreciate. The ability to appreciate humour is one of the last things you gain as a language learner.
To get a joke you need to be able to hear the individual words spoken, identify them, understand them, spot the punchline, grasp the pun or word-play and then know how to react appropriately, and this all has to happen instantly. Perhaps most importantly – you need to have identified that it was a joke in the first place, and not just another couple of sentences that you didn’t really understand. It can be even harder to deliver a joke – remembering the specific words, getting the timing right, emphasising the relevant words correctly using sentence stress and intonation. Oh my god! It’s complicated.

Imagine this situation – I’m sure you’ve experienced something similar. You’re in a group of people. They’re all native speakers and you’re not. One of them is speaking rather quickly but you can basically follow what’s being said – even the complex words and bits of grammar. You feel quite proud of yourself “I’m understanding all of this!”. Then the guy says something and everyone bursts out laughing, but to you it just sounded like another sentence. What’s wrong with everyone? Then it becomes clear that he just told a joke, and apparently it was a good one. “Was that supposed to be funny?” You think to yourself. Someone explains the joke to you – you think about it, you get it, but it’s just not that funny! It’s not even clever! Why did everyone laugh so much? Is everyone else weird, or is it you?

The fact is, jokes can be hard to get, and after it’s been explained to you the magic has probably gone. You’ve got to understand it 100%, and instantly. That’s why non-native speakers of English are often not very impressed by humour in English. Jokes don’t usually translate into other languages because they are based on specific sounds or similarities between words. Also the delay in understanding a joke can kill the enjoyment.

I’m not saying that non-native speakers don’t get humour in English. I know they do. Sometimes I make my students laugh a lot, although this is matched by the number of times my student don’t even identify that I’ve told a joke – is that their lack of English, or my bad jokes? A combination of the two I expect. So, even though non-native speakers clearly do laugh at a lot of things in English, I’m well aware that a lot of things are completely lost on them too.

I think that you (as learners of English) need to understand jokes – because it can help you socially, but also because you’re missing out on a lot of fun. That’s why I’ve decided to do this episode.

But don’t expect this to be a particularly funny episode! There’s nothing worse than high-expectations for a joke. If your expectations are too high, you won’t laugh. It’s like when someone says, “I’ve got a really great joke, you’re going to love this!” then the joke is never that funny. So, don’t get your hopes up. Despite the fact that this episode is all about jokes, it’s probably best if you realise at this point that there will be no laughs and no fun in this episode at all. OK?

DO NOT EXPECT LAUGHTER!

What is a joke?
It’s just anything said that is intended to produce laughter. It could be a traditional joke structure, or a comeback, a sarcastic comment or a small story or whatever. If it is intended to produce laughter, it’s a joke.

Vocabulary
There are a few words that you should know. They’re all different types of joke, or just related to jokes in some way. Here they are:
*a pun = a word joke – a short joke that is based specifically on two words/phrases that have the same meaning or sound the same. For example, “Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
[‘All right’ = okay, but also, ‘all right’ means ‘only the right’ – in this case, he only has a right side now because his whole left side was cut off. Yes it’s ridiculous. Yes, I like it.]
*a gag = just another word for a joke
*a shaggy dog story = a longer joke with a stupid punchline at the end (e.g. The Pink Gorilla Story or The Prawn Story)
*a one liner = a simple one line joke. E.g. “Conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a sight for sore eyes.” [Don’t get it? Don’t feel bad. Conjunctivitis = a health condition in which your eyes are infected and painful, or ‘sore’. The expression “a sight for sore eyes” = something which you are really glad to see, because you need it. e.g. “You’re a sight for sore eyes” = I’m really glad to see you (maybe because you’re attractive and nice, and I’m bored and surrounded by uninteresting people). Also “site” and “sight” sound the same. Here, ‘conjunctivitis.com is a website for people who have sore eyes. It’s literally a website for sore eyes, and I suppose it’s something you’re glad to see if you have conjunctivitis.] And if you’re in any doubt about the funniness of that joke, it won the “Joke of the Year” award in 2012. That’s an award which is given to the comedian who makes the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival which is one of the world’s biggest comedy festivals. It was written by Tim Vine, one of the UK’s top comedians. Click here to read more on this story.
*a wisecrack = a clever and funny response
*a comeback = a quick response to a criticism. Winston Churchill was famous for his comebacks. “Mr Churchill, you’re drunk!” “Yes, I am. And you’re ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober. But you will still be ugly.”
or “Mr Churchill, if I was your wife I would put poison in your tea!” “And if I was your husband, I’d drink it!” etc.
*witty (adj) = to describe someone who is funny and able to make quick and spontaneous jokes.
*the setup = the first part of a joke which sets the situation and linguistic context
*the punchline = the funny part of the joke, which is delivered last. E.g. “I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang” = the setup, “but eventually it came back to me.” = the punchline. [‘come back to me’ literally means ‘return to me’ – like a boomerang does, but it also means ‘remember’]
*a dad joke = a stupid, safe and rather bad joke. The kind of thing your dad would tell you. To be honest, most of the jokes in this series on jokes are dad jokes. They’re not very dangerous or cool. They’re pretty disposable, but they’re fun, and sweet.

Where do jokes come from?
Most jokes just seem to exist in people’s consciousness and nobody knows who wrote them. They get shared orally (or maybe written in emails) and get passed around, but nobody really owns them. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to own joke books. They were compilations of jokes. You could buy these huge books filled with hundreds or thousands of ‘knock knock’ jokes. We used to go around telling them to each other. There were so many. Sometimes I heard some pretty rude jokes too – jokes that involved sexual things that as a child I just didn’t understand. That was a weird way to be introduced to some aspects of sexual depravity – within the context of a joke told by a naughty kid at school. Only later would I understand what they actually meant.
Then there are jokes which have been made up by someone, like a professional comedian – like the conjunctivitis joke. Those ones are actually owned by those comedians and used in their stage performances, and when you tell one of those jokes it’s customary to say whose joke it is – “That’s a Peter Kay joke” or “That’s a Tim Vine joke” for example. It’s a surprisingly difficult skill to be able to write really good jokes. If you can do it well, it can make you quite rich. Some of the best comedians, writers and directors started out by writing jokes for other people. For example, Woody Allen, Steve Martin and David Letterman.
Then there are original jokes made up by people on the spot. If you’re a clever you might be able to come up with jokes spontaneously – and people might consider you to be ‘really witty’ (positive) or perhaps just a ‘smart aleck’ (negative) depending on how well received your jokes or funny comments are.

Mainly in this episode we’re talking about the first category of joke – ones that lots of people know, have no ‘owner’ and which get passed around by word of mouth. As I said, I’ll be sharing loads of them with you later in this episode or perhaps in the next one.
A lot of these jokes which are shared by friends have typical structures, which most people know. Like “Knock knock” or “Doctor Doctor” jokes.
There are also social conventions around joke telling that you need to know, for example – how to tell a joke, how to react when someone tells you a joke, how to identify when someone is joking and how to respond to a joke.
For example, if someone says to you,
“What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?”
You shouldn’t try to guess the answer. “Err, well, one is a kind of machine and the other one is a virus. They’re really different actually. Why?”
No – this is the wrong response. The person is clearly telling you a joke. You’re supposed to say “I don’t know” and then wait expectantly for the hilarious punchline.
“What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?”
– “I don’t know”
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
“Haha, good one!” you say, even if it wasn’t that good.

Telling and hearing a joke is like a little social interaction with its own specific rules and conventions that you have to know. We’ll look at this more later.

What’s the point of telling jokes? Why do we tell jokes?
It’s all about laughter and how it makes us feel good. According to Helpguide.org – a trusted non-profit online service giving advice about mental and physical health, Laughter is good for your health. “Laughter is the best medicine”.
According to them:
Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
Laughter boosts the immune system.
Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
Laughter protects the heart. It improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

The link between laughter and mental health
Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.
Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Social Benefits
Strengthens relationships
Attracts others to us
Enhances teamwork
Helps defuse conflict
Promotes group bonding

Jokes are crap, aren’t they?
You might be thinking: “But jokes aren’t funny. I sort of hate jokes. They’re usually awful and I don’t laugh.”
Yes, true. They’re often terrible – like the bad puns that your Dad tells you, or the awful jokes you get on lollipop sticks or inside christmas crackers, but that’s part of the charm really. It’s just a bit of fun – stop taking life too seriously! Kids like them of course, because kids don’t like to take life too seriously, and because most jokes are brand new to children. Also, when you’re a kid is when you are learning about the language and discovering any double meanings can be quite exciting. For me, it’s all about having the right attitude and being ready to laugh and find things funny. If you want to laugh at jokes, you will.

When to tell jokes
I suppose the best jokes are the ones that are spontaneous (made up on the spot).
They are usually received best when they are shared in light-hearted joke telling sessions, when everyone is telling jokes. Sometimes that happens – someone tells a joke and then everyone chips in with a joke they know. Like, “I’ve got one” or “Have you heard this one?” That way you’re not forcing your joke on someone who then feels pressure to laugh at a joke they might not find funny or understand.
Be careful of using them to impress people, break the ice or to charm people, like in a business meeting or on a date. They might have the opposite effect. You have to know when to tell jokes. Normally it’s in a moment where there’s no pressure.
The best results come from comments, or responses that happen spontaneously. If people feel that a joke is too planned or contrived – like you’ve planned it for days or weeks in advance, you’ll look like a prat. So, the best jokes are just unplanned comments that happen in that moment.
So, because the funniest things are spontaneous, it’s all about having the right attitude – being open, looking for the funny side of things, being self-deprecating (laughing at yourself), being sarcastic, joking about things that everybody experiences, not picking on anyone in particular, and wanting everyone to be happy and to enjoy themselves.

Jokes are often best told privately. For example, not announcing a joke to the whole room, but sneaking up on someone and sharing it just between you both, quietly.

Jokes can be risky
You might embarrass yourself or others if the joke is not funny or if you ‘fluff it’ – say it wrong.
Watch out for the content of jokes. A lot of them are pretty rude – and I don’t just mean sexually. They often have victims, or could be very politically incorrect. You could offend people and get yourself into serious trouble, depending on the context and the joke of course.
Watch out for these things: jokes about nationalities, jokes about disability, jokes about blondes, jokes about race, sexist jokes or jokes with rude images. I realise that I’ve just deleted most of the best jokes – but the point is, don’t underestimate how offensive a joke can be. Some people might laugh, some might not understand it, and some will take it seriously and be offended. Also, in some places, jokes are outlawed, especially if they are political in nature. So – be careful when joking.
The right joke at the right time makes everything ok.
The wrong joke, told at the wrong time in front of the wrong people could land you in serious trouble.

So:
be spontaneous
don’t pick on anyone in particular – don’t victimise anyone
be prepared to make jokes about yourself
make jokes about things that everyone is experiencing/sharing

How do you tell jokes?
Perhaps the most common structure for a joke is the Question-Answer format. That means that a joke often begins with a question. It’s quite normal to just ask someone that question, and if they’re familiar with the culture of telling jokes, they will respond with “I don’t know” and then you deliver the punchline.
E.g.
“Hey, how does Bob Marley like his donuts?”
“I don’t know”
“Wi’ jam in”.
“Do you get it? ‘With jam in’ – ‘we’re jamming”
“Ha ha oh yeah, I get it! Nice one!” etc.

So, at the right moment you can just tell your joke by asking the question like that.

Sometimes you can say “I’ve got a joke for you” or “Do you want to hear a joke?” or “Have you heard the Bob Marley joke?”

Try not to say “I’ve got an absolutely hilarious joke – you’re going to absolutely love this!” – because the person will expect too much and it’s bound to be an anticlimax.

Timing is important. It also has to be really clear. It has to be comfortably and easily told.
Make sure you learn it properly! The set-up has to be exactly right, and the punchline too!
Make sure the set up is not too long. It has to give only the most crucial information for the punchline to work.
Make sure you know your joke well, because there’s nothing worse than telling a joke wrong, or forgetting the punchline. It’s the equivalent of a magic trick going wrong – you look like a fool.
Don’t expect much of a response, and don’t expect your joke to make you popular or anything. The chances are, people won’t get it, and if they do laugh, they’ll probably just forget about it, unless the person is a joke fan like you. In the right moment though, jokes can be a lot of fun. So, jokes are not worth a lot, unless you find other people who love them, and then you can share your favourite jokes together.

When telling a joke – remember it! Run the joke through your head before saying it. Don’t get halfway through the joke and then start again because you forgot it.
Make it clear and be confident. People have to be able to hear and understand what you’re saying.
Sentence stress is very important. Usually certain words must be stressed for emphasis.
Make it look quite casual. Don’t be too desperate for a response or laughter.
The best jokes are completely improvised comments made in the moment. Sometimes there is nothing better than a very carefully worded quick response to a situation. It can make everyone burst out laughing quite magically. But again – watch out because jokes can backfire. People may find it offensive, inappropriate or just pathetic.
There are risks in joke telling. You risk losing respect from people, or offending people, but the rewards are high. If you make people laugh, they will like you, and ultimately everyone can enjoy a good laugh – and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, sometimes it’s the best, most honest feeling in the world – just letting yourself go and laughing uncontrollably. It’s joyful and infections, and being able to create it is a bit like being a good wizard (not an evil one).
Choose to tell good jokes which have a proven track record. Don’t tell jokes that don’t make people laugh, even if you find them funny yourself.
Don’t tell inappropriate jokes – ones that are sexual, racist or which have a victim. Instead try to tell jokes that are universal. Rude jokes can be very funny, but be aware that they are only appropriate in certain situations, and only funny for certain people.
Don’t get all angry, upset and defensive if people didn’t enjoy your joke. You can’t bully people into enjoying themselves. Just shrug it off.
You need to make it clear when the joke has ended and when people are expected to laugh, although don’t expect it to happen.
If you’re going to make a joke, try to connect it to what’s going on at that moment.
Often the best jokes are just one line responses to things happening around you.
Jokes are often best delivered with a straight face, with an understated style. Don’t make a big song and dance out of it. In the UK we normally tell a joke quite straight. We don’t laugh at our own jokes or slap our thigh when we tell the punchline. Laughing at your own joke too much is considered a bit unattractive.
Be prepared to carry on if the joke fails to make people laugh – people might not notice! Otherwise, it’s probably worth admitting that you told a joke and nobody found it funny. Then people will feel less awkward. Sometimes when I tell jokes, nobody laughs. Then I say “that was a joke, by the way, just in case you are wondering” and that sometimes makes people laugh a little bit – maybe out of sympathy if nothing else!
I realise I’m sounding a bit modest here – it may look like I spend all my time embarrassing myself with dodgy jokes. Well, it does happen sometimes, but not all the time.

English people love humour and it’s used a lot, for a lot of different purposes – including breaking the ice, as well as establishing power structures or social hierarchies, or breaking down social hierarchies.
I’m sure it’s similar in your countries too. Kate Fox says that for the English there is no right or wrong time for humour. I know what she means, but I don’t think it’s strictly true. We love joking in many situations, and we’re always ready for a joke or a funny/sarcastic comment, but of course there is a right or wrong place for it. If you just go around making crap jokes all the time, in every situation, you’ll soon become unpopular. I suppose what Kate Fox means is that humour, rather than jokes, pervades all aspects of British life and I agree with that.
The main thing is the intention you have behind your jokes – are you doing it to make people feel happy, to bond your team, to put people at ease, or are you doing it just to draw attention to yourself at the expense of other people’s comfort? If it’s the latter reason, then it’s probably better to curb your enthusiasm a bit.
Really, being funny is more about having the right attitude – being ready, prepared and confident enough to find the funniness in anything.
It’s also about being generous – just wanting to make people laugh without spoiling the situation.
It’s not about cruelty – bullying or targeting people with humour. It’s not picking on other people too much. It is about being willing to take a joke yourself. That’s the first step.
Some people just don’t want to be a person who jokes – they’d rather be serious and expect people to take them seriously too. That’s fine of course. Personally, I think that many of us take life too seriously – and a good sense of humour and the ability to take a joke are admirable, positive qualities. It’s hard to be a genuinely arrogant person while taking a joke about yourself. It’s a good leveler. It makes people equal in status.
Really, it’s just about having an attitude for laughter and jokes. For me it’s best when it’s sort of selfless.
There’s also a love of language involved. Sometimes jokes come out of picking the right words, or playing with language.
One advantage of a good joke is that people’s guard goes down when you make them laugh. You can say some outrageous things and get away with it. Also, people will warm to you if you make them laugh. It’s charming. Good jokes are harmless (and should be).
Also, there are all the benefits of laughter.

How do you react to a joke?
The worst thing you can do is not recognise it is a joke.
It’s also bad if you don’t acknowledge that a joke has been told. You have to show that you identified it as a joke, at the very least.
Some acknowledgement is good.
Ideally you’ll laugh naturally. You could fake a chuckle but don’t go over the top. You could say “good one”, or even “that’s a good joke!” (without laughing)
If you don’t understand it you say: “I don’t get it.”
If you’ve heard it before: “I’ve heard it before.”
If you understand the joke, but don’t find it funny: You can make a noise, like you’re suffering. “Ooohhh!” or even something like “Oh my god what are you like?”
If you understand it and find it funny: laughter!
It may be appropriate then to share a joke that you have too.

End of part 1

What’s the culture of jokes in your country?