What makes a child unhappy essay

Topic 10. Difficult children

Task 22. Read the text and answer the questions after it.

Difficult Children

The difficult child is the child who is unhappy. He is at war with himself, and in consequence, he is at war with the world. A difficult child id nearly always made difficult by wrong treatment at home. He is deprived of freedom.

The usual argument against freedom for children is this: life is hard, and we must train the children so that they will fit into life later on. We must therefore discipline them. If we allow them to do what they like, how will they ever be able to exercise self-discipline?

To impose anything by authority is wrong. Obedience must come from within – not be imposed from without. The problem child is the child who is pressured into obedience and persuade through fear. Fear can be a terrible thing in a child’s life! Fear must be entirely eliminated – fear of adults, fear of punishment, fear of disapproval. Only hate can flourish in the atmosphere of fear!

The happiest homes are those in which the parents are frankly honest with their children without moralizing. Fear does not enter these homes. Father and son are pals. Love can thrive. In other homes love is crushed by fear. Pretentious dignity and demanded respect hold love aloof. Compelled respect always implies fear. The happiness and well-being of children depend on a degree of love and approval we give them. We must be on the child’s side. Being on the side of the child is giving love to the child – not possessive love – not sentimental love – just behaving to the child in such a way the child feels you love him and approve of him.

Home plays many parts in the life of the growing child, it is the natural source of affection, the place where he can live with the sense of security; it educates him in all sorts of ways, provides him with his opportunities of recreation, it affects his status in society.

Children need affection. Of all the functions of the family that of providing an affectionate background for children and adolescence has never been more important than it is today. Child study has enabled us to see how necessary affection is in ensuring proper emotional development; and the stresses and strains of growing up in modern urban society have the effect of intensifying the yearning for parental regard.

The childhood spent with heartless, indifferent or quarrelsome parents or in a broken home makes a child permanently embittered. Nothing can compensate for lack of parental affection. When the home is a loveless one, the children are impersonal and even hostile.

Approaching adolescence children become more independent of their parents. They are now more concerned with what other kids say or do, they go on loving their parents deeply underneath, but they don’t show it on the surface. They no longer want to be loved as a possession or as an appealing child. They are gaining a sense of dignity as individuals, and they like to be treated as such. They develop a stronger sense of responsibility about matters that they think are important.

From their need to be less independent on their parents, they turn more to trusted adults outside the family for ideas and knowledge.

In adolescence aggressive feelings become much stronger. In this period, children will play an earnest game of war. There may be arguments, roughhousing and even real fights. Is gun-play good or bad for children?

For many years educators emphasized its harmlessness, even when thoughtful parents expressed doubt about letting their children have pistols and other warlike toys. It was assumed that in the course of growing up children have a natural tendency to bring their aggressiveness more and more under control.

But nowadays educators and physicians would give parents more encouragement in their inclination to guide children away from violence of any kind, from violence of gun-play and from violence on the screen. Parents should firmly stop children’s war-game or any other kind of playing that generates into deliberate cruelty or meanness. One can’t be permissive about such things. We should bring up the next generation with a greater respect for the law and for other people’s rights.

1) What are the reasons of children’s being difficult?

2) What makes a child unhappy?

3) Why do many adults attach importance to obedience?

4) What kinds of fear does a child experience?

5) What kind of atmosphere is necessary for child’s proper emotional development?

6) What is peculiar about children approaching adolescence?

7) What are the dangerous symptoms of a problem child?

Task 23. Find in the text, translate and learn by heart the following words and word combinations.

1) в результате, 2) отношение к кому-либо / обращение с кем-либо, 3) быть лишенным свободы, 4) постепенно приспособиться к жизни, 5) поэтому, 6) научиться быть дисциплинированным, 7) навязывать, 8) извне, 9) послушание, 10) убедить / уговорить, 11) страх, 12) полностью, 13) исключать / устранять, 14) неодобрение, 15) процветать (два варианта), 16) друзья / кореша, 17) держать в стороне, 18) заставлять, 19) благополучие, 20) одобрение, 21) собственническая любовь, 22) источник любви, 23) чувство безопасности, 24) обеспечивать, 25) отдых и развлечения, 26) детство, 27) подростковый период, 28) давать возможность, 29) обеспечение, 30) напряжение, 31) усиление, 32) очень сильно хотеть / жаждать, 33) внимание / уважение, 34) жестокий, 35) безразличный, 36) сварливый, 37) постоянно озлобленный, 38) компенсировать, 39) недостаток родительской любви, 40) враждебный, 41) беспокоиться, 42) приобретать чувство собственного достоинства, 43) чувство ответственности, 44) обращаться к, 45) грубость, 46) брать под контроль, 47) склонность / желание, 48) уберечь от жестокости, 49) преднамеренная жестокость, 50) подлость.

Task 24. Decide if the following statements are true or false.

1) A child should be obedient; obedience must be imposed from without.

2) The happiest homes are those where love and affection flourish.

3) Giving a child possessive, sentimental love means being on the side of the child.

4) Heartless, indifferent or quarrelsome parents, broken home make a child permanently embittered.

5) Parents nowadays are apt to guide children away from violence of any kind.

Task 25. Read the abstract from the dialogue between Mrs. Thomson, a pedagogue, and Martin, a difficult teenager, and discuss it.

Martin: Mrs. Thomson, why do you think I should help my parents after school? I want to have a rest not

less than they. They come home and rest. I want to rest from my classes…

Mrs. Thomson: You know, children and parents have an equal right to free time. They work, earn money to provide

you with good education, food, clothes, comfort… You should respect them and understand that

they are worthy caring for them as well as they do take care of you.

Martin: I do really love and respect them. I am under years yet. When I finish school, I will find a job. I am

not going to live them off.

Mrs. Thomson: I hope so. But Martin you also must help them about the house. All members of the family must do

an equal share of the housework according to age and ability. I would recommend you to make up a

list of duties. You could allocate your time. You would know your amount or work. It would be up

to decide when to fulfill it, when to go for a walk, when to have a rest, when to watch TV and what

Martin: They do not let me invite my friends on weekdays. It doesn’t matter if I have done all duties or got a

Mrs. Thomson: Do you listen to music?

Martin: Who doesn’t?

Mrs. Thomson: Do you discuss your problems with mum and dad?

Martin: Yes, we always try to find the best way to solve them.

Mrs. Thomson: Do you speak loud?

Martin: Well… It depends on a situation. Sometimes…

Mrs. Thomson: You must think of how tired they are at the end of their working day. They want silence, comfort

and cosiness. Count with their wish and opinion. You may bring your friends when are at work or

somewhere out, at weekends, for example. I am sure you are not going to have any problems at all.

Martin: I should think about it.

Mrs. Thomson: And do not go to bed too late. You may go to bed when you like, but remember: your school starts

at 8 o’clock. You may be sleepy, tired and even irritated. Mind it.

Martin: I will. I do not like when my parents criticize me in public, before my friends in particular. They

may even cancel our plans suddenly or break a promise. It is important for me right now. I probably

won’t need it later.

Mrs. Thomson: I think they postpone them, not break. You’ll see in a week, or earlier, they’ll allow you to do what

they promised you to. Your parents are very good people…

Martin: They are, but they should count with my opinion too. I am a grown-up already. I am a personality.

Mrs. Thomson: No doubt you are, but in the future you’ll have your own children and face problems. I wish you

Martin: Thank you, Mrs. Thomson. I’ll try to do my best to find a common language with my parents. See

you next Friday.

Mrs. Thomson: Good-bye, Martin.

Task 26. Find in the text, translate and learn by heart the following words and word combinations.

1) поровну делить домашние обязанности, 2) составить список обязанностей, 3) выделить время, 4) ты бы сам решал, 5) выполнять, 6) считаться с чьим-либо мнением, 7) сонный, 8) раздражительный, 9) критиковать при всех, 10) особенно, 11) отменять, 12) нарушать обещания, 13) откладывать, 14) взрослый, 15) сталкиваться с проблемами, 16) решать проблемы, 17) пытаться сделать все зависящее, 18) найти общий язык с, 19) личность, 20) громко разговаривать.

Topic 11. Young generation

Task 27. Read the text and answer the questions after it.

Human relationship is one of the most complicated puzzles in life. It is because it contains a huge amount of various aspects in the first place. Relationship between generations is not an exception. The main difficulty which generations face is their completely different backgrounds. It is different environment they were brought up in which creates a huge gap between them. That’s why the attitudes to the simplest things in life are different. For example, most of our grandparents tend to store various useless (from our point of view) things because at their time those things were hard to buy. And we, their grandchildren on the contrary throw much away because we are brought up in the ‘era of consumers’.

Rapid development of technology makes the gap even wider. New technical devices appear so quickly that it is difficult for granddads and grandmas to adapt to them. Some grandparents are more flexible and they start using those devices with pleasure. But for the great many of them such concepts as the Internet, mobile phone or MP3 player are abstract.

These are factors we can hardly influence. But there is a cause for the gap between generations that is in our power but we do nothing to solve it – it’s our willingness to understand each other or to communicate with each other. We say we have no time, our time is stretched to its limits, we are busy as beavers – these are only excuses! We have to earn money – it’s really so, but the one who loves and cares will find time, whatever it costs him. Family is for some reason not in the priority this day. Business, success and money are number one goals.

To cut a long story short, we have to pay attention to the things in life, which really matter. They are our nearest and dearest. The rest will wait.

1) What is the generation gap?

2) What’s the reason of the generation gap?

3) Why do grandparents usually tend to store a lot of old and useless things?

4) How does rapid development of technology influence the generation gap?

5) What are number one goals nowadays?

6) How can we overcome the generation gap?

Task 28. Read the text and choose from (A-H) the one which best fits each space (1-8).

The Difficult Child

The difficult child is the child who is unhappy. He is at war with himself, and in consequence, he is at war with the world. A difficult child is nearly always made difficult by wrong treat­ment at home.

The moulded, 1 conditioned, disciplined, repressed child — the unfree child, whose name is a Legion, lives in every corner of the world. He lives in our town just across the street, he sits at a dull desk in a dull school, and later he sits at a duller desk in an office or on a factory bench. He is docile, prone to obey authority, fearful of criticism, and almost fanatical in his desire to be conventional and correct. He accepts what he has been taught almost without question; and he hands down all his complexes and fears and frustrations to his children.

Adults take it for granted that a child should be taught to behave in such a way that the adults will have as quiet a life as possible. Hence the importance attached to obedience, to man­ner, to docility.

1 People who use this argument do not realize that they start with an unfounded, unproved assumption — the assumption that a child will not grow or develop unless forced to do so.

The usual argument against freedom for children is this: life is hard, and we must train the children so that they will fit into life later on. We must therefore discipline them. If we allow them to do what they like, how will they ever be able to serve under a boss? How will they ever be able to exercise self-discipline?

To impose anything by authority is wrong. Obedience must come from within — not be imposed from without.

The problem child is the child who is pressured into obedi­ence and persuaded through fear.

Fear can be a terrible thing in a child’s life. Fear must be entirely eliminated — fear of adults, fear of punishment, fear of disapproval. Only hate can flourish in the atmosphere of fear.

The happiest homes are those in which the parents are frankly honest with their children without moralizing. Fear does not enter these homes. Father and son are pals. Love can thrive. In other homes love is crushed by fear. Pretentious dig­nity and demanded respect hold love aloof. Compelled respect always implies fear.

The happiness and well-being of children depend on a de­gree of love and approval we give them. We must be on the child’s side. Being on the side of the child is giving love to the child — not possessive love — not sentimental love — just behaving to the child in such a way the child feels you love him and approve of him.

Home plays many parts in the life of the growing child, it is the natural source of affection, the place where he can live with the sense of security; it educates him in all sorts of ways, pro­vides him with his opportunities of recreation, it affects his sta­tus in society.

Children need affection. Of all the functions of the family that of providing an affectionate background for childhood and adolescence has never been more important than it is today.

Child study has enabled us to see how necessary affection is in ensuring proper emotional development; and the stresses and strains of growing up in modern urban society have the effect of intensifying the yearning for parental regard.

The childhood spent with heartless, indifferent or quarrel­some parents or in a broken home makes a child permanently embittered. Nothing can compensate for lack of parental affec­tion. When the home is a loveless one, the children are im­personal and even hostile.

Approaching adolescence children become more indepen­dent of their parents. They are now more concerned with what other kids say or do. They go on loving their parents deeply underneath, but they don’t show it on the surface. They no longer want to be loved as a possession or as an appealing child. They are gaining a sense of dignity as individuals, and they like to be treated as such. They develop a stronger sense of responsibility about matters that they think are important.

From their need to be less dependent on their parents, they turn more to trusted adults outside the family for ideas and knowledge.

hi adolescence aggressive feelings become much stronger, hi this period, children will play an earnest game of war. There may be arguments, roughhousing and even real fights! Is gun­play good or bad for children?

For many years educators emphasized its harmlessness, even when thoughtful parents expressed doubt about letting their children have pistols and other warlike toys. It was assumed that in the course of growing up children have a natural tendency to bring their aggressiveness more and more under control.

But nowadays educators and physicians would give parents more encouragement in their inclination to guide children away from violence of any kind, from violence of gun-play and from violence on screen.

The world famous Dr. Benjamin Spock has this to say in the new edition of his book for parents about child care:

«Many evidences made me think that Americans have often been tolerant of harshness, lawlessness and violence, as well as of brutality on screen. Some children can only partly distin­guish between dramas and reality. I believe that parents should flatly forbid proprams that go in for violence. I also believe that parents should firmly stop children’s war-play or any other kind of play that degenerates into deliberate cruelty or mean­ness. One can’t be permissive about such things. To me it seems very clear that we should bring up the next generation with a greater respect for law and for other people’s rights.»

1. As you read the text: a) Look for the answers to the following questions:

1. What makes a child unhappy? 2. Why do you think, a child who, according to the text «sits at a dull desk at school»

will later sit «at a duller desk in his office»? What is implied here? 3. Why do many adults attach such importance to obedi­ence? Is it really in the child’s interests? 4. What are the usual arguments put forward against giving more freedom to the child? Are the arguments well-founded? 5. Why is it wrong to pres-; sure a child into obedience? 6. What kinds of fear does a child experience? 7. What kind of atmosphere is necessary for child’s proper emotional development? 8. What new traits and habits emerge in adolescence? 9. How and why did Dr Spock’s attitude change regarding the adolescents’ games of war? 10. Why is it so dangerous for children to be exposed to violence? 11. How should the new generation be brought up?

b) Summarize the text in three paragraphs specifying the following themes:

1. The prime importance of home in the upbringing of child­ren. 2. The negative and harmful role of fears in a child’s life. 3. The impact of aggressive gun-play on children’s character.

2. Use the topical vocabulary in answering the following questions:

1. What traits of character would you name as typical for a normal happy child? Consider the following points with regard to his attitudes to: a) his family, parents; b) the school, teachers, studies, rules and regulations; c) his classmates; d) his friends.

2. What traits of character would you consider prominent in a difficult child, a problem child? Consider the points given above. 3. What traits of character are brought about by excessively harsh discipline and pressure? 4. What traits of character would be brought about by lack of discipline and control, by pampering or permissiveness? 5. How would you describe a good parent? 6. What traits of a parent would you consider most favourable for a child? 7. What are the dangerous symptoms of a problem child? 8. What kind of parents’ attitude may make a child ir­responsive, and unable to cope with difficulties? 9. Under what circumstances would a child grow confident, self-possessed, able to cope with difficulties?

3. Below are the statements expressing different opinions. Imagine that you are expressing these opinions, try to make them sound convincing:

I. The parents’ permissiveness breeds contempt in child­ren. 2. The child is born selfish and he will need the best part of-his life to get over it. 3. Popularity and success in» life seldom come to totally self-centered people. 4. Enjoying things is es­sential to a child’s development. 5. True enjoyment comes mostly from using skills for real achievement. 6. Enjoyment may come not only from personal experience but also from passive enjoyment.

How to spot an unhappy child

What’s the difference between a child who is out-of-sorts and one who is really unhappy? And what can you do to help?

As parents, we’d like it if every one of our child’s hurts could just be kissed better and they never felt sad. But ups and downs are part of life, and much as we might look back with a rose-tinted view of our own childhood it’s important to remember the tougher bits too – the nerves about starting at a new school and teenage heartbreak to name but two.

There are new stresses that today’s kids have to deal with too. For example, it always hurt when you were the ‘only one’ not to get invited to a party but we didn’t have to see everyone going on about how great it was on Facebook. And, whilst there have always been school bullies, we didn’t have to deal with cyberbullying too.

The challenge as a parent is to equip our kids with the skills to deal with life’s hurdles, support them as much as we can and, perhaps most importantly of all, recognise when there might a more serious problem or mental health issue.

Happiness: the five easy wins

Whilst we can’t keep our kids constantly feeling on top of the world (and shouldn’t try to), there are simple things that make a big difference.

Signs to look out for

If your child is unhappy, they may not come straight out and tell you, so it’s a good idea to be aware of warning signs that there may be a problem

Remember that you know your child best though and it’s all about trusting your instinct.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that it’s a sustained change in behaviour that’s a cause for concern. Everyone has days when they feel a bit fed-up. But there might be a more serious issue if you notice any of the following:

How you can help your child when they’re sad

If you know your child’s going through a rough patch, there’s lots you can do to help.

Start by thinking about those five easy happiness wins. Is your child getting enough sleep, eating healthily and exercising? Do they feel connected to others and how healthy is their self-esteem?

It’s vital you keep talking – and, even more importantly, listening to them. Be careful never to belittle their worries too. Your six-year-old’s misery at not being picked for the school play is massive to them. It’s also good to resist the urge to jump up and try to solve every problem but instead help your child to come up with solutions of their own. This is a vital life-skill.

Be particularly vigilant during ‘high stress’ times like starting a new school, exam time or dealing with their first heartbreak.

What to do if you think your child’s being bullied

If you think your child may be being bullied at school, your first step should be to listen without getting angry or upset (even though you will quite naturally feel both those things). Reassure your child that it’s not in any way their fault – there’s still a stigma attached to bullying – and that being bullied doesn’t make them weak.

Talk to your child about how you can work together to improve the situation, for example talking to the school about their anti-bullying policy. Tread gently though – for a lot of kids being bullied the greatest fear is that if they tell their parents they’ll steam in and make things even worse.

There’s more advice on dealing with bullying here.

When to seek more help

It can be hard to distinguish between a child who’s sad and one that’s struggling with a mental health disorder. This is because some of the symptoms of mental disorders, such as odd eating habits, anxiety and outbursts of temper are also a normal part of child and adolescent development.

Once again, it’s all about trusting your instinct. You know whether your teen is just going through a phase of faddy eating or whether there might be something more worrying underlying this.

If you’re in any doubt whatsoever, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Talk to your GP or child’s school counsellor or call one of the helplines listed below.

Make sure your get the support you need, too. The airline safety advice about fitting your own oxygen mask first is worth remembering.

Useful websites

Issues that make children unhappy can be complex. Try visiting these great websites for more tips, advice and ideas on next steps you can take:

Reasons Why Your Child May Be Unhappy and How You Can Help

Posted on Published: January 25, 2019

Children go through changes over time that are be unpredictable. It can be hard to tell if are they are unhappy or just moody. However, if a child is unhappy they need their parents to be there for them and help if needed.

Why may a child be unhappy? Kids can be unhappy sometimes just like adults, it’s normal. There are other instances when parents should be concerned. Some worrying reasons for unhappiness are driven by loneliness, adversity, or technology usage. By working to understand why a child is unhappy, you can begin to plan to help them address it.

As parents, we all want to develop our children into competent well-adjusted adults who are prepared for the challenges they will face later in life. Sometimes life will make them feel unhappy and they will need to learn the skills for how to deal with it.

Other times, parents should be more sensitive to their needs as they may be facing a challenge with which they are having real trouble.

Challenges Faced in Modern Society

Modern society is quite different for children growing up than the societies in which their parents and grandparents were raised.

Gone are the days of playing freely outside with your friends for hours at a time and figuring out your problems with your peers on your own.

Today, playtime is scheduled by parents and children to spend way more time inside than they ever have before.

They resolve their problems by going to adults to mediate them instead of solving them on their own. Natural norms for behavior have changed and are less aligned with what kids are evolved to do.

Society is still catching up to these changes in norms, creating uncertainty for all of us.

Loneliness

One of the best things we can do for our kids is to help them feel like they belong.

A sense of community goes a long way in promoting purpose and connection. Children who feel alone often have poor relationships with their peers and struggle to rebuild those relationships once they have been damaged.

They tend to feel excluded from their peer groups and engage less in peer interactions, which further exacerbates the problem and leads to missed opportunities to develop their own interpersonal skills.

Over time their actions become their habits and they defer to the withdrawal position because it is the behavior with which they are most familiar.

Anti-social habits can be managed, mitigated, and possibly reversed as they are forming to ensure the child develops in a socially and emotionally healthy manner.

To help the child it is beneficial to first understand the driver(s) of the problem. There are some questions that can be explored to point the parent in the right direction:

Notice the first three questions are centered around the family.

The family unit is the most important relationship hub in your child’s life and the place where you and other family members have the most control to impact each other in a positive way.

The answers to the above questions may serve as an initial guide to help determine where your child is emotional.

There are other factors that could contribute as well. For example, they may have moved to town recently or a close friend moved away and they are struggling to build another close connection.

It’s up to you to consider the variables at play, but these questions are a good place to start.

Bottom line – you are trying to determine if the problem is being driven by issues in the home, issues at school, or both.

Before you attempt to address the problem, try to identify its source. Once you determine the answer understand that you as the parent hold significant power to help.

The strength of your relationship with your child will be a big factor in your ability to do so.

First, ensure your relationship with your child is as strong as it can be. This is a moment where they need you and in order for them to trust you, they must know they are your priority.

If your relationship has been bumpy in the past now is a great time to begin the healing process. Although they may feel lonely in part because of family reasons, they can also feel better because of an improved family dynamic.

Make it a priority to connect with your child every day.

As young kids get older it’s easy to fall into the routine of life. Now may be the time to change that routine. Carve out a block of time each day to reestablish your connection.

Talk about your day, read a story, or just lay on the couch together. Remind them that you are there for them no matter what. Work with them so they start to talk to you about what is on their minds. Listen.

Give them the opportunity to be heard and build trust together as the conversations continue.

It may not happen right away, but the information that they share with you will give you the tools needed to move forward.

As they talk listen intently to their message and work to identify opportunities for growth. Is there something you can do to strengthen your connection? How about another member of the household?

If there is a factor in the home that is driving their sense of loneliness do something about it. Events in the household are more within your control than events at school.

Additionally, if a child feels safe and loved in their home they are way less likely to be seriously impacted by the normal drama of student life in school.

If the factors impacting their loneliness are school-related, work to dig deeper and get a better understanding of those dynamics. Is this something that has gone on recently or for a longer period of time?

Are the students impacting your child close friends or just classmates?

If they are close friends it may be easier to guide your child through a conversation so they can work through this challenge together.

You are also better positioned to talk to the child’s parents so the adults can help them learn to work through their disagreement themselves.

If they are not friends with your child, it may be time to talk to someone at the school that can facilitate a conversation about acceptable boundaries. There is no reason a random child at school should feel empowered enough to persistently bully someone they barely know.

Either way, use this event to further build your connection with your child and reinforce the in-home relationships that matter most.

Go out with them more on the weekends. Take them to get ice cream or to the movies for no reason. Play outside in the yard together.

Read together. Bonding can serve as a powerful reminder of who matters most in life, especially when times are difficult.

Adversity

As children progress through life they will face challenging situations that force them to push their boundaries.

In these moments, they have the opportunity to grow and expand their skillset and mental capacity. The process through which this growth can occur is not always comfortable.

Some kids don’t respond well to adversity. They need their parents to help them learn how to deal with it, as working through challenges will be vital to their success in life.

Be aware that kids take things very seriously.

As a result, events that may seem minor to an adult can actually have a significant impact on their self-image and the development of their identity.

Adversity to one person can be abuse to another. It is really important that you are in tune with your child’s needs so you don’t allow them to be in a position where they are facing more than they can handle.

Aside from the very real impact of the child’s perception, another significant factor results from the modern experience of growing up. Kids don’t solve their problems on their own as much as they used to. Instead, they seek a mediator to do it for them.

Over time, their reliance on adult problem-solvers creates a dependence that is not easy to break.

When faced with challenges that they have to deal with on their own, today’s generation is less prepared than those that came before.
It’s the parent’s job to help them build a tolerance for adversity and an ability to solve problems.

Understand that it will be a process and these will be some of the factors you will face as you work together.

Even if you have worked hard to teach them independence, social norms have taught them to ask adults to solve their problems for them. They may need help navigating this landscape so they can start figuring things out for themselves.

Additionally, when a child is presented with a new problem it can seem worse to them than it is in reality.

That’s no reason for you to take it any less seriously as you help them through it. Work with them to stabilize their emotions so they don’t get the best of them.

Show them the difference between what they interpret the problem to be and what they are actually facing. Guide them to find perspective through past experiences. Perhaps yours, theirs, or someone else’s. Identify stories that resonate and help them see over the horizon.

Kids sometimes have a hard time believing that things get better over time.

Help them see that a given problem has many possible solutions, and the one we will choose is often not the one we immediately think about. Use this as an opportunity to teach them how to analyze a situation so they will be less intimidated by the uncertainty of the situation.

As they begin to understand the potential of many solutions they will also begin to appreciate the control they have over the situation.

Although this may not happen the first few times you guide them through adversity, over time they will begin to realize that the options they have are liberating and give them more control over the situation than they thought they had. Options can bring a greater sense of control and stability to a situation.

Most importantly, continue to be there for them throughout the entire process.

Technology Usage

Technology is pushing societal change more than any other contributor. For better or worse, we all need to be prepared as our world becomes radically different.

For parents seeking to figure out if their child’s unhappiness is driven by a particular factor, technology should be one of the first possibilities you evaluate. Today’s kids are being negatively impacted by their exposure to technology, and it is driving up rates of anxiety and depression.

If you think tech use may be impacting your child’s happiness, you could consider reducing their time in front of devices.

Technology usage is linked to anxiety and depression in teens.

In the past, kids were able to live in their own worlds and not have to worry too much about what was going on in the real world. They were also able to detach from their peers and leave them at school or on the playground. That has changed.

Social media has made it possible for kids to be inundated with constant messages from their peers as well as news articles that appear catastrophic to them, like school shootings and climate change.

Help them reduce their exposure to constant stimulation. There are many helpful strategies that you can employ to reduce your child’s technology usage.

Taking Action

As you plan for how to best meet your child’s needs make sure the basics are covered and that they are; eating right, getting enough sleep, playing and exercising, feeling truly connected to their family and friends, seeing the value in themselves and how much they mean to the people in their lives.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Reach out to your pediatrician or school counselor if you are having trouble determining if your child is engaging in normal behavior or if there is something about which to be worried. It’s better to start a conversation than now than wish you had later.

Related Questions

How do you make an unhappy child happy?

Hug them. Talk to them. Play music that evokes a positive emotional response. Truly engage in life’s daily activities with them and talk about why they are important and fulfilling.

Reduce time exposed to devices. Establish routines in your home that reinforce a sense of connection and gratitude. Assign the child in household chores and activities that give them a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

Talk to your pediatrician if you are worried.

How do you know if a child is unhappy at school?

Children who are unhappy at school typically try to avoid attending.

Their academic achievement may be suffering and they are not completing their school work or homework. Sometimes they may even ask to go to another school.

If you think your child is unhappy, connect with them, talk to them, help them open up so you can help. Talk to your pediatrician if you are worried.

About

Hi! I’m Dr. Patrick Capriola, a father of two girls who is always looking for ways to be a better dad. I am a career educator and have served at the classroom, administrative, and university levels. I created this site to share high-quality research-based content on kids, parenting and navigating the school system.

Growing up in Scotland: what makes children unhappy?

Author

Senior Investigator Scientist, University of Glasgow

Disclosure statement

Alison Parkes does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

Partners

University of Glasgow provides funding as a member of The Conversation UK.

Surprisingly perhaps, researchers know less about what makes young children feel unhappy than what they know about the causes of children’s behavioural and emotional problems. Most existing studies of children’s views of happiness are for those aged ten and older, and few have taken account of a wide range of influences on happiness.

We looked at Scottish seven-year-olds in our new study, “Growing up in Scotland: family and school influences on children’s social and emotional wellbeing”. We explored why some children felt unhappy, as well as why some had behavioural and/or emotional problems, interviewing children and their mothers from around 3200 families.

Children were asked five questions about life satisfaction (Do you… feel that your life is going well, wish your life was different, feel that your life is just right, feel you have what you want in life, feel you have a good life?). As many as 20% of children gave less favourable responses to these questions, suggesting low life satisfaction or unhappiness.

We asked mothers about whether their child had behavioural and emotional problems. This included feeling sad or anxious, fighting, being disobedient, restless, having a short concentration span, feeling shy or being bullied. As many as 11% of the children had high levels of these sorts of problems.

It is worth saying at this point that while we don’t know how these findings compare with the rest of the UK, there have been indications in the past that Scotland does not fare too badly. In a study by our sister agency NatCen in 2008, Scotland reported the highest proportion of seven-year-olds in the UK’s four nations claiming never to be worried. Of those claiming never to be unhappy, Scotland had the second-highest proportion after Northern Ireland.

The causes

In our study, the proportion of children who reported low life satisfaction whose mothers also reported they had behavioural and emotional problems was very low: just 4%.

Some factors appeared to influence both these negative categories. Among the parenting factors, they included high levels of mother-child conflict and parents not being much aware of what their child was doing. Other factors that affected both categories included the child not enjoying school; difficulties with school work; and feeling less happy about friendships with other children. For example only 14% of children with good friendships reported low life satisfaction, compared to 41% whose friendships were poor.

Then there were factors that influenced one category but not the other. Low life satisfaction seemed to be most linked to negative experiences such as a recent illness, accident or death in the family; and less positive parenting, such as not giving praise for good behaviour or participating in activities together such as play or homework.

Behavioural and emotional problems were more closely tied to family-related causes of stresses often associated with deprivation. These included poorer child health, broken sleep and developmental problems; poorer maternal health, low maternal education and family mental health/substance use problems; and a less warm mother-child relationship.

Developmental problems was a particularly striking category, with only 12% of children who found the pace of work in school “about right” exhibiting behavioural/emotional problems, compared to 31% of those who found the pace “too fast”

The solutions

As you would expect, young children’s relationships with parents, teachers and friends are of key importance for their social and emotional well-being. This was equally true of boys and girls, whose well-being was broadly influenced by the same things.

Possibly more surprising were the factors that did not seem to affect well-being directly. These included the parents’ relationship, family income and the child’s leisure activities. Saying that, it is possible that these may become more important as children get older.

We can’t be sure that all the associations found in this study do influence well-being. Genetic and early-life influences may be partly responsible for some associations, for example.

Sometimes the relationship between an apparent risk factor and well-being is probably complex. For instance, parent-child conflict may be a result of low well-being, as well as contributing to it. Further research is needed to clarify how factors affect well-being, and to look at how low social and emotional well-being affects children’s later development.

What the study does do is to underline that both school and the home play a part in young children’s well-being. It means that families should be able to get help for their children’s behavioural and emotional problems via parenting programmes and improved specialist services. The results also point to a need to address wider issues, such as parents’ mental health problems.

And positive parenting can not only help with children’s behavioural and emotional problems. It may also improve their happiness. Equally, there are clearly benefits in providing support to children to cope with a distressing family event.

As for schools, the study reinforces the importance of creating conditions for positive learning, successful relationships and preventing bullying and violence. To help children make friends, schools should possibly offer training in social skills such as sharing; and help teachers develop strategies to reduce behaviour that alienates other children, such as anger or bossiness. The importance of children making friends is something for parents and other child-friendly venues to bear in mind too.