What relationship are you looking for

What Are You Looking For In A Relationship (19 Things You Should)

Posted on Last updated: April 28, 2022

What are you looking for in a relationship? What are the qualities you would want your partner to have? You should ask yourself these questions before you enter a new relationship.

Even though these questions seem pretty easy and harmless, I’m sure they would catch most of us off guard. That’s exactly the reason why so many relationships fail these days.

It has become so difficult to maintain a long-term relationship in these modern times because people are starting to lose touch with their real lives, and we have forgotten what should be our priorities in a romantic relationship.

What Are You Looking For In A Relationship?

If someone would ask you right now, ‘What are you looking for in a relationship?’, what would your answer be?

Please don’t say true love or chemistry because it’s such a cliche. On the other hand, if you don’t have an answer to this question at all, you should immediately have a serious and deep conversation with yourself.

It’s especially important to have an answer to this question if you have a potential partner. If you leave this question unanswered, then your potential relationship is condemned to failure for sure.

I know that we all want to find the right person with whom we’ll be able to be ourselves. We all want to find our soulmate, the person who’ll accept us the way we are and stay with us no matter what.

However, before we even start looking for that right person, we have to define what the concept of a soulmate means to us. You have to determine and define what you are looking for in a relationship.

It’s truly important to define it because if you don’t do it on time, you can spend your entire life in a miserable relationship with the wrong person.

A lot of people think that this isn’t necessary at all because they believe that a person always knows when they meet their soulmate. That kind of thinking is a huge deal-breaker for maintaining a healthy and serious relationship with another person.

Once you dig deeper into your own heart, you’ll be able to tell what you are looking for in a relationship, which will definitely clear your path to your soulmate.

Also, this is precisely the purpose of first dates. It’s how we can meet our potential partners a little bit more and check out your love compatibility.

So, have a long and serious talk with yourself. Remember your past relationships. Try to remember what the reasons were as to why all those relationships ended. I’m sure it’ll help you figure out the answer to this very important question.

What To Look For In A Relationship: 19 Essential Things For A Healthy Relationship

I’m sure that most ‘nowadays-relationships’ fail because people don’t actually know what they want in a romantic relationship. Those things differ from person to person; however, here are the most important things and values you should look for in a relationship:

Emotional maturity

You need that type of relationship where both you and your partner won’t be afraid to communicate your feelings openly. You need a partner who is able to manage and control their own emotions.

If you want a serious relationship, then both sides need to have a good understanding of who they are. Both partners should be equally supportive and empathetic.

Being emotionally mature also means that you always take responsibility for your actions, and that you know how wrong it is to blame other people for your own failures. It also means that you own your mistakes and that you never run from them.

Emotional maturity will also help you set some healthy boundaries that are a must for a healthy and happy relationship. It’ll truly be a lot easier to maintain a great relationship with an emotionally mature person.

Being treated with respect

This is definitely something we should all look for in a romantic relationship. If you allow others to disrespect you, that will only show that you don’t respect yourself either.

Also, a relationship without mutual respect won’t succeed for sure. Your significant other needs to understand that you have different needs, interests, and perspectives over some things in life, and they need to respect all of them.

It’s so easy to tell someone you have respect for them, but acting with respect is what counts, and this is much more difficult. If you share mutual respect for each other, it’ll maintain your relationship health and you’ll be a very happy couple for sure.

Regular communication

This is also truly important for a healthy and happy relationship. Both partners need to be honest, direct, and upfront when something is bothering them in the relationship.

If your partner is the type of person who doesn’t have good communication skills, then you should try to make them more comfortable with you and make them open up to you.

One partner should never be guessing what’s happening with the other one. It’s very important to know how to express your emotions, both positive and negative, along with some other things that are bothering you, but in a healthy way. This means communicating about it and avoiding getting into unnecessary conflict.

Honesty

Online dating has become very popular today. A lot of people are looking for their soulmate on Tinder or other social media.

Unfortunately, most of them post fake pics and information about themselves on those dating sites because they want to appear to have better compatibility with their potential partner. It’s a fact that a lot of people are faking their personalities on their dating profiles

Those dating apps and all of that virtual life allow people not to be honest about themselves, and that’s the main cause of so many broken relationships nowadays. Also, that’s a reason why those relationships tend to be more short-term

Honesty is definitely the number one quality you should look for in a romantic partner. If you catch your significant other in a lie too many times, it’s a clear red flag they don’t have serious and sincere intentions with you.

A partner who is also your best friend

If you want to have a successful relationship, it has to be based on friendship. You should look for a person who will not only be your lover, but your best friend also.

You need a person who’ll always be there for you; someone who’ll be your biggest fan and most reliable confidant. You should work on building a deep and strong emotional connection; the one only best friends have.

A great relationship is all about partnership. It’s about two people who help and support each other‘s growth.

Reliability

No matter how tough we are, we all need someone we can always count on. We need the type of relationship where we’ll be able to rely on our significant other no matter what.

Life is a very challenging journey. We will all have our ups and downs, and we simply need someone we’ll share it all with.

Just to be clear, we don’t have that other person who will complete us because we’re perfectly whole on our own.

We just need someone we’ll always be able to count on and to share good as well as bad moments with. Trust me, everything is so much easier and more beautiful when you have someone to share it with.

Getting through conflicts without unnecessary drama

You should look for someone who won’t be ruining your mental health by creating unnecessary drama. You need a partner who’ll always try to solve your conflicts and disagreements in a healthy and peaceful way.

All couples have some issues and disagreements, that’s a fact. However, for a healthy relationship, both partners need to find a way to stay calm during heated conversations.

You need to find someone with whom you’ll be able to compromise and find middle ground, someone with whom you’ll learn to solve all your conflicts in the best possible way.

You won’t always agree with your partner about every little thing; that’s why it’s important to find a person with whom you’ll carefully choose your battles… A person who will never allow your disagreements to harm your relationship.

Understanding

The truth is that we all want to be seen and heard. We want to feel understood by our loved ones because it makes us feel loved, respected, and important.

The most beautiful feeling is when you have someone who understands you. Someone who understands even your silence… A person who understands even the most complex parts of your heart and soul. I swear it’s the most comfortable feeling in the world.

We can’t always explain ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings to others. It becomes very draining over time, and we just choose to keep it all within ourselves. That’s why it’s important to look for understanding in a relationship; a person who’ll get you without even speaking a word.

Empathy

If your potential partner already doesn’t show empathy towards you and some of your problems, then it’s a huge red flag that they simply don’t see your relationship going the way you see it going. The truth is that they probably don’t have serious intentions with you.

Being empathetic to each other is very important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. Both sides should try to understand and relate to each other.

If you truly love someone, you simply can’t turn a blind eye to their suffering and problems. If your emotional bond is strong enough, you’ll simply feel your partner’s problems as your own and sympathize with their suffering.

Support and motivation

We need that one person who’ll always stand right behind us, supporting and motivating us to be better every single day.

If both partners support and help each other’s growth, it’ll have a very positive effect on their relationship’s growth. A supportive partner will help you achieve all your dreams and goals, along with achieving much more than you could ever achieve on your own.

Mutual support will benefit both partners and the relationship itself. Your relationship will hit some rough patches for sure, but with mutual support and understanding, you’ll be able to cope with those hard times.

A shelter in times of need

You should look for a relationship that will be your ‘safe place’; your shelter when storms hit your life. You should find a partner who’ll always stand right beside you, hold your hand, and tell you that those difficult moments will pass.

You need a partner who’ll never give up on your relationship; someone who won’t walk away from you when hard times come. Your significant other should simply be your biggest protector; your own superman or wonder woman.

With the right person, you’ll never feel alone because you’ll know that you have someone by your side who you can always count on and that really helps you face all the challenges that life puts in your path.

An ability to be vulnerable

We all want to be free to show our vulnerable side to the person we love. We hide our pain and struggles from everyone else, but we shouldn’t hide them from our significant other

You should simply look for someone who’ll know all your flaws and imperfections, and will still choose to embrace them all. Someone who’ll never criticize or judge you despite all of your negative traits and weaknesses.

I know that it can be pretty scary to show all those bad sides of yourself to your loved one, but the right person will embrace all those not-so-perfect sides of you and love you even stronger in spite of every flaw you may have.

Appreciation

A little appreciation is always the best way to ensure that your relationship stays healthy and successful. When a partner starts feeling that they’ve been taken for granted, it’s a very clear red flag for them that something is off with their relationship.

Mutual appreciation will foster the bond between partners, and it can also improve trust and respect in a relationship. Appreciating someone means that you value and respect them, which is a way of building a serious relationship with them.

Time for yourself

When you start a new relationship, it’s perfectly understandable that you’re enjoying spending time with your new partner and getting to know them.

However, as time goes on, you understand that you also need time for yourself. You need some alone time just to focus on the self-relationship. That’s also pretty normal, and actually, a healthy thing.

Just because you’re dating someone, it doesn’t mean that you should be doing everything together and spending 24/7 together. You’re two different human beings with completely different interests and it’s perfectly normal that you both want to have some alone time to dedicate to your own needs.

Simple acts of kindness

We all like to hear sweet words and expressions of love from our significant other. However, the fact is that pure words are never enough.

Love should be expressed and proven through actions. Words simply become meaningless if they aren’t backed up with actions.

Those simple acts of kindness will keep the spark in your relationship alive, and it’ll also make both partners feel loved, respected, and cherished.

Physical attraction and affection

It’s perfectly normal that you want to date someone you’re physically attracted to. However, you should never allow it to overshadow some other important qualities that you should be looking for in your romantic partner.

I agree that physical affection is a very important part of every relationship, but it’s definitely not the most essential one. As much as it’s important to connect with your partner physically, it’s also important to build an emotional connection with them.

That physical compatibility is an important element of a relationship, but even if you aren’t compatible with someone, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker for the future of your relationship.

Both you and your partner should learn to express and talk freely about your physical needs. You can make your relationship work even if all the odds are against you if you care enough for each other and want to put in the same amount of effort to make it work.

Someone who can always make you laugh

Humor is indeed the hottest and most compelling quality that a person can have. That’s why a sense of humor is one of the first traits you should look for in a romantic partner.

Life can indeed be pretty challenging sometimes, and there are so many peaks and valleys we all face every day. That’s why it’s very important to have that one person who can make you laugh at the end of the day.

That’s actually the whole point of love and romantic relationships; to have someone you’ll laugh with and someone who’ll try hard to make your life more beautiful and cheerful every single day.

The art of compromising

You should look for a partner who is aware of the importance of compromising for a healthy and happy relationship. You need to find a person who’ll try to solve all your differences by compromising on them.

If your potential partner or a person you’re in love with is never interested in finding the middle ground when you’re arguing about something, then it’s an obvious red flag that they don’t care for your feelings nor the future of your relationship at all.

Mutual understanding and willingness to compromise are keys to a great relationship… always try to remember this. Those are the elements that will strengthen your emotional bond and improve your relationship.

Simply, you should look for a soulmate relationship

Remember this… you should never look for the perfect person because that type of person doesn’t exist. You can only look for the right person; the person you’ll share great emotional and physical compatibility with

You should look for that type of relationship where the other side will try hard every day to show you how much they honestly love and care for you.

The bottom line is that you should be looking for your soulmate. But, before you go on a hunt for your forever person, you should really define what you are looking for in a relationship and what a soulmate means to you.

In Closing

I truly hope these happy relationship essentials have helped you understand what you’re looking for in a relationship. If your answer covers anything from the list above, I can say for sure that a great relationship is waiting for you in the future.

However, I always say that nothing is too hard when a person knows what they want and when they’re focused on achieving it no matter what. That’s exactly why it’s so important to know what you are looking for in a relationship.

We all want to find our soulmate, but the problem is that we actually don’t know what we are looking for. Before we start looking for the perfect kind of relationship, we must define what perfect means to us.

People say that dating has become too difficult and challenging these days. I couldn’t agree less with that because we’re the ones who have become too complicated.

#1094: How do I answer the “what are you looking for in a relationship” question when I’m not sure I know?

Dear Captain Awkward,

Personally, I don’t go looking for a particular type of relationship. I just look for someone I connect with and hope that we are both on the same page. Sometimes it leads to a long-term monogamous relationship, sometimes it leads to something more casual but equally fulfilling, sometimes it leads to a whole lot of drama, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to anything.

Personally I’m open to a range of relationship options – depending on who the other person is, what our chemistry is like, and what else is going on in my life at the time. The only things I am 100% not open to are BS drama and being treated like crap.

So how do I answer the question in a way that helps me filter out the jerks and time wasters whilst still keeping my options open?

Dating can often resemble a series of job interviews, and the “So, what are you looking for” question can feel like a conversation killer. It’s the “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years” or the “What are your biggest weaknesses” question of a job interview and the “You can write about anything you want, no restrictions!” assignment of a creative writing class, i.e., a recipe for the other person to become totally blocked and inarticulate. I get the whole “let’s not waste each other’s time” aspect of it, like, if you want a monogamous marriage & kids and your date is Casanova Of The Perpetual Seeking it would be good to figure that out soon. But I think it’s also worth asking “Hey, are you the sort of person I could see myself wasting a little bit of time with?”

So, what if you used this question as a way to fantasize about the kind of person you are attracted to and compatible with rather than to define the kind of relationship you want esp. as you’re just getting to know someone?

When I was online dating 6+ years ago, this was mostly what was in the “What I’m Looking For” section of my OKCupid profile:

You are gregarious, outgoing, and have closely knit community of friends and/or family around you. That doesn’t mean “No introverts,” just that I want someone who draws people to him and welcomes them in.

You are physically and verbally demonstrative. The “strong, silent type” is definitely not for me.

You think a good evening would be scouting out a grocery store and making an ambitious recipe together.

You are passionate…about something. There is some subject that you love enough that it lights you up to talk about it and sometimes your friends have to stop you and say “Ok, enough about _____.”

When I say “I’m a feminist!” you say “Neat, me too!”

You live somewhere accessible by public transit.

You’re comfortable taking the lead sometimes in making the plans. It’s not your fault (we all have baggage from old relationships, right?) but right now the least sexy words in the English language are “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” and “I don’t care. Whatever.” One of my superpowers is finding neat, inexpensive stuff to do in the city – I promise I’ll pull my weight.

This isn’t personal: I get really bored with weeks of messaging back and forth, IMs, etc. Let’s meet up! How bad could it be?

This IS personal: Married guys, step off. I’m sure you have a very unique and complicated story. Tell it to me when you’re not sharing a bed and a bank account with someone else. Furthermore, I am categorically uninterested in any kind of “polyamory” setup.

Mr. Awkward read that in early 2012 and thought “Could she be looking for me?” and it turns out I was. Not to marry, necessarily, but to go on some dates with. Other dudes read that and thought: “NOPE!” and kept scrolling, and that’s a good thing. I didn’t want to find the widest possible list of matches, I wanted to find specific matches who might be a good fit for my brand of weird.

My list of what I wanted at that time won’t look like anyone else’s and that’s also a good thing. You can see me try to compensate or correct or some of the lessons I’d learned from other relationships and dating experiences. For example, I emphatically did not want to be someone’s Only Person (esp. right after meeting them), I didn’t want to be the person making all the plans. I wasn’t looking for a polyamorous setup and I wanted to be clear about that. Also, quiet people are great, but my wordy ADHD ass shouldn’t date them.

So, what if you said:

What are you into? Have opinions. Have preferences. Be specific. Don’t be afraid to alienate people by having strong opinions and preferences. If I had a dollar for all the dudes who read my profile and wanted to argue with me about why feminism is actually discrimination against men I’d be rich. The fact that they honed in on that detail and thought I’d enjoy arguing about it was an excellent “weeding out” tool.

Speaking of weeding out tools, I also had full-body profile photos and language in the profile about being fat:

I’m fat. “Google ‘Beth Ditto naked’, subtract the tattoos and goth hair, and you’ll get the idea. If you’re not down with that, it’s cool. I don’t like smokers, ponytails, or people who pronounce library as “liberry.” Life is short; be picky!”

If I had a dollar for all the dudes who wrote to me about how they didn’t normally like fat chicks but they really liked my sense of humor so they were willing to give it a try but you know, “desire is really complex,” I’d be extremely rich. People’s reactions to that fact told me a lot about who they were.

Again, the point of dating isn’t to sand off your edges or hide your preferences in order to appeal to a wide variety of people and then narrow down the field to one lucky person. You say you’re worried about driving people away before you’ve gotten the chance to know them, but driving people who can be driven away by something that’s true and important about you is actually a good thing.

As for scripts, let’s take your letter as a guide. What if you were honest and told your dates what you told us?

It’s okay to have fun with this. There is no right answer, only your answer.

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112 thoughts on “ #1094: How do I answer the “what are you looking for in a relationship” question when I’m not sure I know? ”

I liked saying “I’m looking for someone who is open to the possibility of marriage but not having more kids.” (I was okay with the idea of stepping 1-2 kids of a certain age, but not birthing or adopting).

In some ways if that scared some folks off, awesome. So much of online dating is weeding out incompatible folks, so this was a great step. I actually put that in my profile so that I didn’t have to have the “so do you want to get married. ” talk.

It may be worth noting that I was in my late 30s, so I can understand that may be VERY different coming from someone early 20s.

Someone once mentioned on here that their criteria for whether or not they want to bang someone is that the person doesn’t want to make a lampshade out of their skin, and I think that’s a great place to start. Be with people who make you feel safe and happy and I think your relationship goals will become clear over time.

To be honest, I think this LW might be overthinking the question. S/he already had the perfect response to “What are you looking for in a relationship?” in the body of her/his question:

Personally, I don’t go looking for a particular type of relationship. I just look for someone I connect with and hope that we are both on the same page. Sometimes it leads to a long-term monogamous relationship, sometimes it leads to something more casual but equally fulfilling, sometimes it leads to a whole lot of drama, and sometimes it doesn’t lead to anything.

I think the Captain has some good suggestions about being honest about your dealbreakers (no matter how “stupid” they are) and not hiding the things about yourself that might be dealbreakers to other people. But if you’re dating to meet people and see where it goes—which may well be nowhere—then there’s nothing wrong with stating that.

I had the same thought. Like, “take paragraphs 2 and 3 of your letter and…voila…you have your answer!”

I think LW should also know that it’s FINE for them to not know exactly what kind of relationship they want. Maybe just type up the second paragraph, then reiterate and get in depth a bit more within the first few dates, after they’ve had a chance to feel out whether they think the relationship would be a casual or long-term one. The same timeline, basically, that a person would need to bring up having kids or something else that would be a personal dealbreaker.

“Again, the point of dating isn’t to sand off your edges or hide your preferences in order to appeal to a wide variety of people and then narrow down the field to one lucky person”

Yes, THIS. If you’re apologizing for your most basic wants and needs before even meeting the person, it’s only going to go downhill from there. Writing a weed-out profile is an EXCELLENT skill to hone when online dating. It took me far too long to start dropping the f-bomb (feminism) in my profile. Same with mentioning that I’m tall. And opinionated. Turns out some people aren’t down for that, which is fine and dandy, but those aren’t people I should date (or who should date me). Figure out what parts of yourself you’re unwilling to compromise on, and put them front and center. It acts as a deterrent for people who are a bad fit, and an advertisement to those who are a great fit.

Also: seeing ANY Ayn Rand books mentioned fondly in a dude’s profile was a hard pass. Of all the myriad filters I used to select potential dates, that was the simplest and most effective.

Oh, the “tall and opinionated” is really some serious Kryptonite shit in dating. I’m a loud, tall feminist who loves getting involved at church and bringing all those things up together was basically like lighting a fuse and seeing how long it would take for it to blow dudes’ minds.

But here’s what I figured out, LW: my friends love me like that. They love me well and they love me HARD. So why would I expect any less from a guy I want to date? And they love me with my rough edges and opinions and even my friends with kids love me despite knowing I honestly kind of hate kids and don’t ever want to settle anywhere. So I put that stuff in my profile. I’m a Sunday school teacher who loves kids for all of two hours a month, adventure is my priority over literally everything (yes, even you, even if you’re super cute), and I want somebody who will be my pillow on long-haul flights. If you can swap book recommendations, you get extra points, and if you’re reading something outside of the Western canon I’ll probably kiss you at some point. If you think fat jokes are funny I’m never going to laugh at you (well, I might laugh AT you, but I certainly won’t laugh WITH you).

You’re not trying to find somebody you have to change just to be around, or where you feel like you need to change to please them. So take that paragraph where you state – very clearly! – what you’re open to and use it. It’s really good! It’s clear and it leaves open all kinds of possibility.

Also, Captain? I already knew I liked you because this blog is awesome, but that section from your profile is top-notch.

Yes! If I’m ever in the online dating pool again I have some really great weed out filters to use. The Ayn Rand thing is key.

But life gets so much BETTER when tall opinionated people who hate Ayn Rand date people who LIKE those particular attributes.

Or, as my husband told me last weekend: “you’re so stubborn, it’s really great – it means you hold firm with the kids and I can’t get away with shit. I really respect that!” (A. I’m bullheaded as hell, stubborn is understating it. I’ve gotten better, but… yeah. Defining character trait. b. Marrying someone who respected that as a quality and relies on it and respects me for it was an A+ move. Marrying someone who saw it as a flaw to overcome would have been a recipe for disaster.)

Oh man yeah! Currently dating someone I love dearly but who finds some of my quirks frustrating. It’s hard. It’s an opposites attract kind of situation where the extrovert and introvert try to make it work but if I’m ever single again I’m taking a page out of CA’s book and requiring someone who enjoys my rambly chatty extroverted ADHD self.

Oh, boy. I was the introvert in that particular situation once or twice, and… yeah. I just wound up SO TIRED. (Caveat: I’m someone who is happiest working from home where I don’t have to speak to anyone for days on end. I’m a hermit introvert)

Now I’m married to someone who understands my preferred way of spending an evening (good food, good books, good sex) and who actually arranges childcare so the kids go somewhere else and we can stay home together. You can’t even know how much I appreciate that. 🙂

Yes! I was seeing somebody for a little while who was all the things I’m not but that I really value in a partner – he was essentially my foil. But the thing is, we liked being each other’s foil. I loved that he calmed me down, he loved that I brought excitement into his life. It was maybe the first time I’d really felt appreciated for being exactly who I am and it was GLORIOUS.

I find the idea of appealing to a wide variety of people exhausting before I even begin. I’m an introvert. Can’t I be picky and chase off all but the most suitable-for-me?

I haven’t looked at dating sites in ages (not since I was working on a thesis project ages ago) and one thing that I found immediately distasteful (besides Ayn Rand, “no fat chix,” fedoras for no good reason and professions of being a really Nice Guy to whom the bitches just don’t give a chance) were multiple egregious grammar and spelling errors. I have friends with learning disabilities who occasionally will type a homonym or misspell something and I do understand that not everyone is a walking Strunk and White or Harbrace, and that’s fine. Typos also happen. But there were SO MANY adults who could not write coherently, or like grown-ups, that I got very discouraged. I know I’m a reader, education matters to me (so many friends and relatives are teachers, I have multiple degrees), and that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life automatically mentally proofreading everything my significant other writes down (or cringing internally over horrifyingly bad spoken grammar faux pas). Not being great at spelling or grammar OBVIOUSLY doesn’t make anyone a bad person, it is just one of my pet peeves.

But, yeah, I’d take a thousand “ain’t got none”s or “he done good”s over a large collection of Ayn Rand (or Scientology) books.

“I’m a peach of a girl,
but some people don’t like peaches.”

I find the idea of appealing to a wide variety of people exhausting before I even begin. I’m an introvert. Can’t I be picky and chase off all but the most suitable-for-me?

I sort of thought that this was the entire point of profiles on dating sites, and especially those compatibility quizzes where one can identify acceptable responses as with OKCupid. A majority of people don’t appear to agree, given how bland and general most of the profiles I’ve seen are. It actually seems like a lot of people would rather avoid rejection (for good reasons of likely incompatibility) than use it as a tool to help filter people with whom one isn’t compatible for whatever reasons. I find it baffling. Online dating hasn’t worked at all for me, and I think part of that may be that I wasn’t using the systems the way most people were.

Unfortunately, given the popularity of Tinder and clone services, I really haven’t tried again in years, becasue I refuse to link third party apps to my Facebook profile for reasons that should now be obvious to everyone (and I thought were clear all along, hence my refusal to use services like Tinder, but apparently not given how many people are upset by the fact that their Facebook information is functionally public).

I sort of thought that this was the entire point of profiles on dating sites, and especially those compatibility quizzes where one can identify acceptable responses as with OKCupid. A majority of people don’t appear to agree, given how bland and general most of the profiles I’ve seen are. It actually seems like a lot of people would rather avoid rejection (for good reasons of likely incompatibility) than use it as a tool to help filter people with whom one isn’t compatible for whatever reasons. I find it baffling.

So here’s the thing–the point of profiles on online dating sites is whatever the people constructing the profiles think it is. Some of them are going to use that profile to represent themselves really well and see who messages. Some are going to use the profile to screen out the people they don’t think they want to talk to. Some are going to use the profile to attract as general a range of potential dates as possible. If someone isn’t using the site the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean their way is wrong, it just means that they are using it differently than you. Perhaps their goals are different. Perhaps their methods are the ones that work for them. Regardless, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong, it means they’re doing it their way. If their way is one that you find pointless or bland or repugnant, clearly they are not the person for you, and that is okay. Because not everything is for you. Neither is everyone. Rejoice in the fact that you have discovered that people who use OKC are not for you.

When I was on OKCupid (years ago) they were definitely playing both sides of this. They had the quizzes, but they also had a ranking system of “attractiveness” based on how many people interacted with your profile. Then they showed you potential dates that matched your level of “attractiveness.” This incentivized rejection-avoidance behavior so that you would actually be able to look at a larger swath of dating profiles, and it was p garbage. CA’s advice is on point, but OKCupid should stop that nonsense if they haven’t already.

They definitely have. The “attractiveness” slider still exists, but it’s exclusively for people who pay to use the site, and I’m not 100% sure that it even DOES anything. They’ve changed the system a lot in a way that I feel leads to more real interactions – seem to be trying to position it as NOT like Tinder or other similar “swipe” apps.

Ha! Ayn Rand was a firm pass for me, too. First scan was for that, second was for any sweeping comments about “how women are” or anything angry (I don’t do well with angry, plus the angry ones seemed to be mostly angry in a punching down kind of way). Messages about how I’m too (pretty, interesting, whatever) to respond to poor, nice guy him were immediately deleted. I was also honest about my appearance/height/weight, general possible dealbreakers (feminism, being a take charge woman, etc). It worked out well.

Found my husband online – he was wonderfully open and honest about himself and his message showed he read my profile, had zero entitlement re: my response or interest, and was just introducing himself. I could still swoon over how respectful and nice that message was.

I cannot overstate how empowering it can be to put your basic wants and needs out there and be as specific as possible before even talking to the person – as Kat G says, it will really help you deter the people who are a bad fit and draw in those who are a great fit. I’ve been on Okcupid for slightly more than a month, and from the beginning my “You should message me if” section included these criteria, inspired by Captain Awkward’s profile:

– You’d like to date someone demonstrative. I’m not a fan of frequent “I love you”‘s, but I don’t want to feel anxious about making the other person feel weird/uncomfortable when I tell them what I like about them or show physical affection. It’s also really important for me to feel secure that they will appreciate my impulse and mirror my feelings. If this sounds good to you, we might as well meet up and see if our definitions of “demonstrative” mesh.

– You like showing affection physically and verbally. I feel closest to people who reciprocate enthusiastically when I express physical and verbal affection. If you mainly feel comfortable showing your love in non-verbal ways, that’s absolutely not my thing, and I hope you find someone who better appreciates you!

– You are able to verbalise your needs and feelings, and are willing to start a conversation about issues in a relationship. I’m pretty upfront when I feel there’s some issue in a relationship, and I need someone who shares this approach. I feel kind of wary of people who are deeply non-confrontational, because it makes me wonder how much of what they do/say is just to placate me, and whether there’s a seething mass of resentment building underneath that.

– To quote my favourite advice columnist Captain Awkward, “Introverts are welcome, but the strong silent type does nothing for me.” This goes for online communication too – I’m looking for someone who’s also interested in an ongoing daily conversation where we can build a repository of in-jokes, shared references, issues we feel passionately about, funny/cute things, etc. If this sounds stressful rather than exciting, we’re probably not a good fit.

I feel that it was because I was selective about that I’d chosen someone who responded well – he replied saying friends would be better, and wanted to meet up after he’d had time to decompress from [stressful events]. I’m not entirely sure I’ll hear back from him, but it was a really amicable resolution to that episode, and I’m glad I gave it enough time to see how compatible we were. Literally hours later, I got a reply from another guy I messaged the day before, saying mine was the best first message he’d ever received in his experience of online dating (and he’s been dating way longer than I have, despite being several years younger), and apologising profusely for the “lateness” of his reply. Our opening exchange was about Edward Said and Alison Bechdel, wand he couldn’t have responded better to the things I disclosed if he’d been following Captain Awkward scripts. On our first date, he was also very (disconcertingly) explicit (but not pushy!) about his attraction to me; I found this overwhelming because I have had so little experience of this, but also very reassuring. So I’m excited to see where this could go, and two great first dates are more than I expected to find.

I’ve only been using Okcupid for slightly more than a month, so I have no idea if this approach, together with some dumb luck, will lead me to the long-term relationship I want, but it’s amazing to be able to use my profile to draw in people who think I’m cool and attractive but whom I’d never cross paths with socially. I think two things make me feel more secure when reaching out to people I think might be a good fit:

1) Besides the dealbreakers, I figure the level of detail I go into, what I say about my decision-making process, and the language I use to discuss relationships will deter anyone who sounds cool, shares my interests and politics, has no problem with me being 35 (if they’re younger), thinks my photos are cute, but doesn’t want to be with someone who processes their emotions and needs this way.

2) My mantra for online dating is that I want a long-term relationship that brings me joy and security, and I want to put time only in the people who make me feel early on that they want that with me too. Despite my numerous insecurities, this approach makes me feel that I can centre my needs, and that I’m always in a position to reject those who end up not reciprocating my enthusiasm about them. Hopefully there are some who can; the good thing is that I really only need to find one of them!

“There is no right answer, only your answer” — Love that!

If I had a dollar for every guy that messaged me to tell me I’m fat, I’d be rich. Like, uh, yeah, I posted full body pics and said in my description that I’m a fat kid. I always wondered if it was an extremely lazy version of negging.

But it worked wonders for weeding out the guys I didn’t have to waste my time with. Guys would tell me they’d screw me, but not date me. Bye! Or the guys who gave me back handed compliments like, “You’d be pretty if you lost weight”. Well, I’m losing a solid 150 lbs by blocking you, thanks for the boost!

Being picky about who you spend your time with is one of the best things about online dating.

I rejected a dude once and he responded by calling me fat. I was like…the worst thing you can say about me is the truth? Try harder, dude.

“Well, I’m losing a solid 150 lbs by blocking you”

Stealing that line for the rest of my life, thank you.

What I love are the ones that explain o me how I just don’t quite do it for them as if 1) it will shatter my world and 2) they are assuming that *they* do it for *me.*

“I didn’t want to find the widest possible list of matches, I wanted to find specific matches who might be a good fit for my brand of weird.”

This just gave me a lightbulb moment. Thank you, Captain.

“There is no right answer, only *your* answer.” I needed to read exactly this today. Starting dating again in my early 30s following a divorce and need all the good advice I can get!

LW, you say you are 100% not into “being treated like crap.” There are some universals, but might you drill down on that a bit of what’s specifically felt like crap to you in the past and express a wish for the inverse? When my first relationship ended after going a decade plus, flipping what was missing led to a list for me with items like wants to spend time with me in public, respects my knowledge of myself, wants to make out with me, compatible worldviews, and so on.

This is genius! (I’m probably going to be diving into the dating world again soon, and I’m totally going to use this.)

SJs, What Are You Looking For in a Relationship?

WickedQueen

MOTM July 2010

How do you define things that you looking for in a relationship? How do you find it?

I’m 25, and I found myself wiling to find a partner for marriage. What I afraid most of is if I fall with a person that is not loyal, or a person whose easily gave up upon the relationship without even trying to talk about it, or a person who blindly accept me and then when he saw my flaws that he haven’t seen before, he would just lost his feelings and go away.

So I think I’m trying to find someone that is not only loyal, but also trustworthy, someone who could keep his words no matter what, even though the world is keep moving and life changing. Someone who takes relationship seriously and responsible for it.

I also like a person who makes me feel special. I’ve met some guys who gave me their compliments, yet they give the same compliments to another girls. I don’t need to be a genius to know what will happen next, and I was right. They jumped from one girl to another, repeatedly using the same old lame compliments to each of those girls. Disgusting.

Age is also important for me. Somehow I use it to picture his maturity and experiences. This is why I prefer someone whose older than me.

Other will be religion, because I’m attached to my religion. I’m looking for a person from the same religion as me, or at least someone who doesn’t mind to follow my beliefs.

The next question will be, how do you show your love to your partner?

I’m not really into words, I’m more of «walk the talk» person.

Like: I give him massage when he said he’s tired, I make him his favorite breakfast, I don’t call him when I know he’s busy, I give him space for me-time or to hangout with his friends, I make sure I deal with my own problems so I won’t bother him with my shit, tell jokes that I know he love just to make him laughs, organized his clothes, cleaning his shoe, framed his little picture beside my computer at office, cuddles him when he snuggles, or rub his back and kisses him slowly while he’s sleeping.

Overall, it’s the little things that I do that shows him how much important he is in my life, little things that he probably won’t even noticed of.

I do not tolerate stupidity.
When you’re talking to me, you have no other option but two:
(1) make sure you have the RIGHT knowledge BEFORE you speak, or
(2) make sure you have a knife and then stab yourself to death.

(Note: I do not accept friend request)
​

How to Find Out What You Want in a Relationship

This article was co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP. Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

This article has been viewed 228,860 times.

Knowing exactly what you want out of a relationship is very difficult, especially if you’re young or inexperienced. Even if you’ve dated many other people, every relationship is unique, and you might have different priorities now than you have had in the past. Finding out what you want in a relationship can be a laborious process, but it’s worth it.

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